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Satire: Parenting for Dummies and/or Middle Linebackers

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As you may have heard, Brian Urlacher has picked up a bad habit from Elijah Dukes, using the text messaging feature on his cellular device to send inappropriate messages to Tyna Robertson, the mother of his 2-year-old son.  Supposedly, she returned the favor as both burned up the cellular towers with their tête-à-tête.

As an indirect reaction to the pettiness, a Will County judge has ordered both of them into parenting class as per county law.  This three-hour class is intended to "lessen the negative emotional impact of the (custody) process on the children, and maximize the children's healthy psychological and social development."

It has not been reported, however, that the teacher of that class has been named.  Yours truly has been pegged to administer the seminar, as I have experience in child psychology, pre-prenatal development, and advanced slothery.  (Also, I work cheaply.)

To help others suffering through this unfortunate situation, I have provided my lesson plan below.  Please modify the plan to meet your emotional, psychological, and legal needs. 


(a.k.a. "Tuffy's Simple Guide to Avoid Raising an Emotionally Distant Felon Without Exercise or Dieting")

Overview: You're using your child as a weapon against the other parent, which is pissing off the judge and making your life hell.  However, there are many other subtle and not-so-subtle weapons to wield against that miserable excuse for a biped while still lowering the number of times you're dragged into court. 

Objective(s): Get the law off your effin' back; not waste time in a stupid parenting class; score brownie points with the judge for when you want to move out of state with your new genetic materials recipient and demand full custody; look out for the health and welfare of your child.

Materials: Tuffy's Simple Guide… Kit (textbook, CD-ROM, worksheets, Web site, indirect expression dolls (with convertible and summer house), over-the-counter medication, T-shirt, etc.)  Cost: $249.99

Time: 180 minutes (45 minutes if everyone plays along; Tuffy gets paid by the session, not by the hour)

1. Tuffy has class introduce themselves and express one flaw they'd like to address in themselves during class.

2. After 2 minutes, Tuffy becomes bored and chooses to call all men John and all women Marsha.  Tuffy also declares the flaw to be worked on outside of class is to stop being so painfully dull.

3. Tuffy waxes poetic about the special joy children have brought to our lives and how we should treat them like the tiny treasures they are.

4. Everyone has a good belly laugh.

5. Tuffy recommends key issues to be addressed to keep the legal process moving smoothly. They can include but are not limited to:

  • Transportation – Once the child is old enough to ride a bicycle, this should not be an issue.  Do not force your child to become dependent on vehicles.  This addresses time management, childhood obesity, and global warming.  If you live more than 300 miles apart, get the child a pilot's license. (Football player addendum: Hire a large blonde man named Brock to handle all transportation and protection for the child.  He should own his own experimental jet already.)

  • Alimony – Look, just pay it.  Everyone likes to think they're really showing everyone just how much control they have by withholding alimony, but you end up looking like a six-year-old pissing his pants in the middle of Wal-Mart when his mom won't buy him a toy.  Also, it really pisses off the judge.  (Football player addendum: Instead, use your lawyers to lower the alimony constantly.  Let the experts do their job; you wouldn't let your CPA handle passing downs.)

  • Polluting the child – Everyone loves to tell the child just how miserable the other parent is.  Even people without children (usually relatives) love to tell children their parents are useless human beings that should be turned into Twinkie fillings.  Again, this pisses off the judge.  Instead, change tactics.  Place doubt in the other parent that they are a good parent.  Never let on you're having problems.  Always appear as if you have never been stressed in your life.  Pay teachers to say, "It's a shame; <child> always seems to do poorly on <day after child visits other parent>.  Why do you think that is?"  (Football player addendum: You have hundreds of thousands of fans (exception: Buffalo, Arizona, AFL) depending on your success.  If you hint the proceedings are taking so much out of you that you may not perform at your best, you'll get plenty of help.  Also, pay her relatives to skip family events.  When the child asks why Grandma doesn't come over for Christmas anymore, have Grandma respond, "I'm sure your mother can explain.")

6. Tuffy quizzes each of you (as per legal requirements) to see if you've learned something.  Quiz questions may include:
    – What did you learn today?
    – What are the names of your children?  (You may confer.)
    – Can you get me a beer?
    – What week should I bet against your team?
    – Asuccessfulcourseparticipantsayswhat?

7. Tuffy signs your slip from the judge and you may go.  (Football player addendum: Bring an autographed football gift-wrapped in $20 bills and skip steps 1-6.  High-five to celebrate football player's sperm's potency is optional.)

State standards: None, obviously.  They left Tuffy in charge.

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  • RJ

    “(Football player addendum: Hire a large blonde man named Brock to handle all transportation and protection for the child. He should own his own experimental jet already.)”

    Ah, a Venture Bros. fan! I dislike you even less already! ;-/

  • lisa

    Is it coincidence that the sponsoring ad at the end is for Trojans?

  • Tuffy, you’re supposed to put leather patches on a tweed jacket, not the other way around.

  • lisa: no coincidence.

    Matthew T. Sussman, Esq.: Are there any other restrictions on leather patches? Because… well, never mind.