Home / Satire: Other “Illegals” Demand Amnesty

Satire: Other “Illegals” Demand Amnesty

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This past week, Democrats and Republicans agreed on a deal that would grant amnesty to millions of illegal immigrants. Unfortunately, this amnesty has opened a can of worms. In the past day alone, pedophiles, murderers, and thieves who are either in prison or charged with crimes will organize and demand that they are given their due respect. NAMBLA (North American Man Boy Love Association) members will march this Saturday while NAAM (National Association of American Murderers) will march on Sunday. On June 8, the KCRA (Kleptomaniacs Civil Rights Association) will March and demand that they be allowed to steal. All three of these groups have been endorsed by Dan Rather, Rosie O’Donnell, Hillary Clinton, Al Sharpton, and Guadalupe Santiago.

Steve Sodomheim, the director of NAMBLA, claims that it’s about time society accepts men who love boys. “We are not criminals; we are human!” Sodomheim says. During their march, they will demand that male teachers be allowed to have affairs with their male students as well as demand that all libraries be stocked with men-on-boy porn. They will also demand that government documents be written in their new man-on-boy language, Pedophilish. Although they have received endorsement from most Democrats, former Representative Mark Foley is the only Republican that has signed on, indicating his full support of NAMBLA.

O.J. Simpson, the new President of NAAM (National Association of American Murderers) claims that murderers aren’t really bad people. “We are actually doing a service to society by getting rid of people who don’t contribute,” he claims. When asked why some of the most promising people in society get murdered, he claimed, “Well, we are actually doing a service to them as well. Since they are good people, we send them to heaven early on.” Mr. Simpson and other members of NAAM are not only demanding that murderers be released from prison, but that they be allowed to murder at least three people a week.

“We do the jobs that nobody wants,” Zach Dahmer, another NAAM member declares. “I’m sure that there are a lot of people that others want to murder, but they are too afraid to!” Former Democrat Representative Gary Condit has donated over 5 million dollars to NAAM’s cause and will be participating in the march.

Winona Ryder started the KCRA (Kleptomaniacs Civil Rights Association) six years ago, after being arrested for stealing materials from a clothing store in Beverly Hills. “We are not actually thieves," Mrs. Ryder states. “We are taking back what rightfully belongs to us!” Aaron McDowell, a prominent member of CCRA , considers himself an American Indian given that his great grandfather was 1/8 American Indian.

“They stole from me centuries ago,” claims Mr. McDowell. “So, I’m just getting back at society for repressing me,” he continues. Oprah Winfrey has proudly given her support. KCRA plans a Kleptomaniacs Pride Week where they will walk into stores and steal whatever they want. Police officers who try and interfere will be punished. Alec Baldwin and Los Angeles Mayor, Antonio Villaraigosa, are the main organizers for this event.

True Americans, such as Bill O’Reilly, have been very vocal about the possible amnesty. “First we have illegal immigrants who broke our immigration laws being granted amnesty. Then, men who have sex with little boys want to roam free. Now, we have murderers and Kleptomaniacs demanding “respect?” What’s next, allowing sexual harassment at the workplace?" R&B singer R. Kelly is equally upset.

“Some of these people actually have sex with underage children and videotape it. This is wrong!” Mr. Kelly claims. Along with rapper Akon, R. Kelly has pushed Congress into passing harsher laws against people who have sex with minors. Perhaps R. Kelly and Akon might want to refrain. The Senate, dominated by Democrats such as Ted Kennedy, is working on the Pedophile Amnesty Bill as we speak.

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About Daryl D

  • mechagirl

    You white people can scream, complain, and do everything you want to stop us but you won’t. Your polliticians will bend over backwards for us. You complain about our lack of education but we know how to pimp your government for every cent. Get used to us cause we are taking over.

  • I’ve been meaning to write an essay on the difference between moral or natural law, and technical laws. Our laws are best when based on underlying natural law. Immigration policy is more complicated than that, however.

  • Jerry

    Hey mechogirl,
    I’m not worried you will be stopped by your own people. You will fade away into the brown equivalent of the Grateful Dead-Heads, while the majority of Hispanics become the counterparts’ of the Yuppies and soccer moms.

  • Mr. Hanky

    This article was extremely offensive, but the author really made a point: where do we stop when rewarding people who broke our laws? If we reward criminal aliens, who will we reward next?

  • While I can totally see the satire in the article (and even finding some of it rather amusing) the whole issue of finding an answer to the immigration issue is what is important. If illegal aliens are willing to go back to their country of origin, pay a fine and get legit then why not? If you are closed-minded to that idea, then you come up with a solution to get rid of 15 million folks and see if the economy doesn’t go into a downward spiral.

    catch 22…catch 22.

  • daryl d

    I am open minded enough to realize that we can’t just gather every illegal immigrant and send them back. I am open minded enough (and eat at fast food restaurants enough) to realize that the economy would collapse without a certain amount of the illegal immigrants here. If there was a restriction on what illegal immigrants could go back to their country, pay a fine, and then be allowed to stay here and, perhaps, only become citizens if they went though some type of boot camp type methodology, I would be all for it. We can’t open this up to twelve million illegal immigrants. It just gives the wrong message.

  • Lynnette

    I didn’t think this satire was offensive in the least. I laughed a few. And then I saw mechagirl’s comment. I laughed more. Keep on pimpin’ our government, homegirl. How profound. I’m glad I come from a Mexican family that taught me not to hate Whitey.

  • Black Hole

    This is so offensive and is rife with racism. How can you compare immigrants to peds and murderers? You have desecrated on a otherwise occasionally decent blog!!

    Do you mind if I disclose your real identity? That your real name is Shooty Rifle and you are the spokesperson for National Rifle Association (NRA a.k.a KKK)

  • Your own bigotry is pretty offensive too, BH.

    And BTW, did you miss the ‘satire’ in the title?


  • daryl d

    Thanks, Dave:

    Yes, this article is labeled SATIRE. Judging from some of the responses to my Golden Retriever article, however, I think people don’t understand what that means.

    I will say, however, that I believe satirical articles do make a point sometimes. The point that I’m making with this article is not that we should round up every illegal immigrant and send them back, but by granting amnesty to them, we are really opening up a can of worms.

  • Black Hole

    So comparing immigrants, (illegal all right) to peds, theifs and murderers is “satire” and calling the person who draws such comparisons a member of the prestigious KKK is bigotry!

    Oh, and DarylD thanks for writing ‘satire’ in capital letters. I don’t understand English as much as you cos it is only my second language!

    So its American to make racist comments under the guise of “satire” and the person who is offended by such racist comparison calling him a racist is a BIGOT! That is REAL irony? That is what the rest of world calls SATIRE!

    Oh.. it is okay that we go and invade countries but we cannot put up with illegal immigrants cos they take our job opportunities!

    This is coming from a citizen of a country built by immigrants (legal and illegal: missionaries, scholars, convicts and war criminals) by displacing its indigenous inhabitants! You take the cake Dave!

  • Ruvy in Jerusalem

    I enjoyed the satire, Daryl, and your points are well taken. You could have included DAMM, (Drunks Against Mad Mothers) an organization that feels that drunks have the right to run over anybody, in your list of saintly minorities to be further protected and forgiven.

    But on the other hand, I’ve not forgotten the kind of immigration policy you would really like, considering how you skewered the 1965 Immigration Reform Act in other articles…

    At this point, for me, it is all a dead issue. I got my ass out of America, I got my wife and kids out of America, and it was the best thing I ever did in my life. Nevertheless, I think of a lot of other Jews who could have used a refuge against Hitler in the thirties and never found it in America because of its immigration laws. It may have been meant by the Almighty that they should die. I can’t question judgments made On High. But I could have had a much bigger family had my father’s relatives been able to leave Poland for America in the 1920’s and 1930’s…

  • Here are the results of the latest pijamasmedios poll of Mexicans residing illegally in the United States. There was only one question:

    Would you like to take advantage of Mr. Kennedy’s generous amnesty proposal, whereby you can become an American citizen and have the privilege of paying full price, instead of nothing, for your wife’s next seven or eight visits to the maternity ward?

    Yes – 0%

    Do you think I’m loco? – 100%

    (This poll has a margin of error of 99.99999% since only ten of the nation’s estimated 20 million illegal Mexicans could be located)