Home / Satire: Orlando Bloom Scores New Film Role

Satire: Orlando Bloom Scores New Film Role

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Hollywood heartthrob Orlando Bloom hasn’t had many projects in the works in recent months, much to the dismay of movie fans and young girls everywhere, but just when the naysayers had written him off as a washed-up has-been, Mr. Bloom announced he would be starring in a new film.

The news comes just as Mr. Bloom withdrew from another production, An Education, starring Emma Thompson and Peter Sarsgaard. Instead he will star in the live-action version of the favorite 70’s television show, Hong Kong Phooey. The film will be directed by “the Jerry Bruckheimer of Hong Kong,” Johnny To. According to Bloom’s reps, HKP will be one of the most demanding roles of his career.

“I’ll be doing all my own stunts,” says Bloom. “And I’m not just talking about the kung fu sequences. The most challenging part is when I have to jump into the filing cabinet as Penry, the mild-mannered janitor, and pop out again as the Number One Superguy. I’ve already dislocated my shoulder in rehearsals!”

The project hasn’t been without controversy. Southern Baptists have already threatened to boycott over the proposed love scene between Phooey and Rosemary the telephone operator. “You call it bestiality, I call it art,” Bloom says. “Johnny and I really felt that it was important for Phooey and Rosemary to finally consummate their relationship after all these years. You know, for the sake of realism. It is the 21st century, isn’t it?”

This may be cold comfort to the millions of Gen X-ers who had hoped to take their children to see HKP, so Bloom was quick to put their fears to rest. “Naturally we don’t want to offend anyone, and I am a professional, so it will be very tastefully done. Besides, it’s time American audiences got over their puritanical notions about sex. What’s wrong with having two people physically express their love for one another? It’s beautiful!”

Bloom was also anxious to dispel talks of racial insensitivity. Many in the entertainment industry are concerned about a young, white actor playing Hong Kong Phooey, a role that was made famous by the voice of much-loved actor and elderly black man, Scatman Crothers. “Americans are also very touchy about race, and I don’t agree with that either,” he says, rolling his eyes. “Those people almost have a black president, what more do they want?”

Still, fans might worry about this latest career choice. After all, a martial arts action movie is quite a far cry from Lord of the Rings or Pirates of the Caribbean. When asked why he made the decision to do this film, Bloom said, “Are you joking? Did you see Elizabethtown?” and then pointed excitedly towards his open mouth.

Hong Kong Phooey has already begun filming. Bloom’s Elizabethtown co-star, Kirsten Dunst, is set to play Rosemary, although her appearance is now in doubt since she is currently resting at the Cirque Lodge in Utah. The roles of Spot and Sergeant Flint have yet to be cast.

Later this year, Bloom will begin work on what promises to be his most groundbreaking role to date, the role of Courage, the drum-playing ladybug in the film version of The Bugaloos.

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About Wanda Rizzuto

  • “You call it bestiality, I call it art,”

    Fabulous, Mr. Bloom. I need a sound clip of that

  • You want a sound clip of the love scene?

  • diva

    oh my. oh my, my, my. Well. Oh yours, actually. If that’s what you want. LOL…daaang you are funny, girl….

  • Anners

    That was brill! Ha! The most challenging role of his career.

  • Tally

    I don’t know where you got your information from, but he is doing the Red Circle with Johnny To not Hong Kong Phooey.

  • Maybe he should consider television. America’s Next New Top Actor? Although Orly couldn’t be a smarmy or moronic as Tyra.

  • Tally, I’m sorry but you’re mistaken. My sources assure me that the project is HKP and I assure you that my sources are above reproach.

    BTW, did you closely examine the title of this article?

  • Anners

    ^ It is soooo called hong Kong Phooey, I just checked the imdb, Telly.

    * Look at the ads, Wanda! Hahhahaaha.

  • Late bloomer?

    Yeah, seriously, would I be promoting HKP all over WordPress with a HKP icon if this wasn’t for reals? That’d be silly.

  • Tobey Maguire has been cast as Inch High, Private Eye. No camera effects will be needed.

  • lucinda

    great article wanda – had me rolling off my chair..

  • Joders

    Hilarious as usual Wanda!
    I’m pre-booking my tickets for the HKP premiere based solely on your article. I don’t know how I’ll contain my excitement while I wait.

  • I’ll see if I can score you a couple of tickets Joders.

    Thanks for stopping by everyone. Tell your friends!

  • Wanda, this was priceless! I take it that some of your venom is derived because the esteemed Mr. Bloom can’t be bothered to call his Number One Fan. HKP? I’m still cleaning up the mess from spitting my coffee all over the kitchen.

  • Venom? Moi? Just trying to help a brother out with some free publicity.

  • Too funny, Wanda!

    Guess I’ll be boycotting the movie. 😉

  • SadieJo

    Ermmm, are there any nekkid scenes ‘cuz nekkid kung pfu scenes are like, hot…..

  • Of course there will be nekkid scenes. They’ll be doing it doggie style.