Home / Satire: No Mexicans, Get Congress On The Job!

Satire: No Mexicans, Get Congress On The Job!

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Imagine this. Mexicans all over the United States leave their jobs in protest over immigrant civil rights. Gas stations don’t turn on pumps — Dunkin Donuts shops lie empty with customers waiting for their morning coffee, and lawns end up un-cut. Who do you call in a time of crisis? Who will serve Americans in their hour of need? Our Congressmen, that’s who.

These brave men and women who debate the laws of this country for hours on end will use that energy to provide Customer Service to our most cherished institutions. An organization will be built to coordinate the number Congressmen (state and federal) who will work in the field. Some will work the restaurants, others will work the convenience stores – most will end up in Wal-Marts across the country.

To keep the expenses of gas down, Congressmen will live near their respective jobs in order to control their budgets. Some will opt to live at their respective jobs by building spaces to sleep in and have leisure time. Schools will be built in within the area of the job site so that families will be able to get their kids within a close distance.

These Congressmen will not take vacations, but instead do rotations. A group of them will take off of one job, and do another job while the other group replaces the first group on their job. This will allow flexibility in skills and provide a variety of employee-to-customer skills not learned in the average college course.

When children of the congressmen reach a certain age, they will become inducted into the College of Customer Service. This college will be funded by the government, and provide work clothes and on-the-job training. If some are good enough, they will be included into a management program where they learn how to run their own retail store. People will pass this part of the advanced program get free funding and a free location of their choosing.

Due to the high crime rate that involves a retail job, Congressmen and their children will be taught crime prevention. In jobs where large amounts of money are given, gun training will be included. Exceptional students will be inducted into the Customer Service Police Force, also funded by the government and trained in preventing disputes from reaching disruptive heights.

These are just some and not all of the ideas that I have for how to solve the impending crisis that may stop the retail industry profits. Then again, I highly doubt Congressmen and their children would want to work such jobs for any amount of time. Taking that into consideration, who do we ask to fill the jobs no one would do on a bet?

Maybe we can turn to the prison system.

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About Matthew Milam

  • Jaime

    I think it’s wrong that others from foreign countries must wait so long to get in to America when mexicans are sneaking over the boarder everyday and then making it worse on our economy by not only multiplying but sending the money they make here, back to mexico. The boarder patrol really needs to crack down on this and keep the mexicans out. Our country is becoming a huge disgusting mess these days, I’m fixing to pack up and move to Europe or somewhere Mexicans don’t exist! I’m tired of hearing spanish everyday when we live in an English speaking country!!! This disgusts me.

  • William von der People


    My Fellow Americans:
    As you all know, the defeat of Iraq regime has been completed.

    Since congress does not want to spend any more money on this war, and I do not want a Viet Nam in the sand, our mission in Iraq is complete. If oil companies want to guard the oil let them use their mass profits to hire guards. Better yet, let the French, Germans, and Japs fight for the oil, they need it worse than we do. See how they like having their Sons & Daughters sent home in a box.

    This morning I gave the order for a complete removal of all American forces from Iraq. This action will be complete within 30 days. It is now to begin the reckoning.

    Before me, I have two lists. One list contains the names of countries which have stood by our side during the Iraq conflict. This list is short. The United Kingdom, Spain, Bulgaria, Australia, and Poland are some of the countries listed there.

    The other list contains everyone not on the first list. Most of the world’s nations are on that list. My press secretary will be distributing copies of both lists later this evening.

    Let me start by saying that effective immediately, foreign aid to those nations on List 2 ceases immediately and indefinitely. The money saved during the first year alone will pretty much pay for the costs of the Iraqi war.

    The official language of America is English. We will no longer make special concessions for those who can’t read, write, or speak English. This will save enough money to build the border wall.

    The American people are no longer going to pour money into third world Hell-holes and watch those government leaders grow fat on corruption.

    Need help with a famine? Wrestling with an epidemic? Call France.

    In the future, together with Congress, I will work to redirect this money toward solving the vexing social problems we still have at home. On that note, a word to terrorist organizations. Screw with us and we will hunt you down and eliminate you and all your friends from the face of the earth.

    Thirsting for a gutsy country to terrorize? Try France, or maybe China.

    To Israel and the Palestinian Authority. Yo, boys. Work out a peace deal now. Just note that Camp David is closed. Maybe all of you can go to Russia for negotiations. They have some great palaces there. Big tables, too. I am ordering the immediate severing of diplomatic relations with France, Germany, and Russia. Thanks for all your help, comrades. We are retiring from NATO as well. Bon chance, mes amis.

    I have instructed the Mayor of New York City to begin towing the many UN diplomatic vehicles located in Manhattan with more than two unpaid parking tickets to sites where those vehicles will be stripped, shredded and crushed. I don’t care about whatever treaty pertains to this. You creeps have tens of thousands of unpaid tickets. Pay those tickets tomorrow or watch your precious Benzes, Beamers, and limos be turned over to some of the finest chop shops in the world. I love New York

    A special note to our neighbors. Canada is on List 2. Since we are likely to be seeing a lot more of each other, you folks might want to try not pissing us off for a change.

    Mexico is also on List 2. The Mexican President and his entire corrupt government really need an attitude adjustment. I will have a couple extra tanks and infantry divisions sitting around. Guess where I am going to put em? Yep, border security. So start doing something with your oil. We will be sending all illegal’s back home the same way they came to America. We will be building a real border with a real wall and guards that are ordered to shoot people in the red zone. We will be using the troops we withdraw from Iraq to guard the Mexican border.

    Oh, by the way, the United States is abrogating the NAFTA treaty – starting now.

    We are tired of the one-way highway.

    It is time for America to focus on its own welfare and its own citizens. Some will accuse us of isolationism. I answer them by saying, “darn tootin.”

    Nearly a century of trying to help folks live a decent life around the world has only earned us the undying enmity of just about everyone on the planet. It is time to eliminate hunger in America. It is time to eliminate homelessness in America. It is time to eliminate World Cup Soccer from America. To the nations on List 1, a final thought. Thanks guys. We owe you and we won’t forget.

    To the nations on List 2, a final thought. Drop dead.

    God bless America.
    Thank you and good night.

    If you can read this, thank a teacher. If you are reading it in English, thank a soldier.

  • William von der People: Did you have an erection whilst posting the above comment or are you just simply politically naive? Inquiring minds want to know!

  • “It is time to eliminate World Cup Soccer from America.”

    That’s going too far!

    Famous lefty singer songwriter Billy Bragg would agree with some of your sentiments: “You can fight for democracy at home but not in some foreign land.”

    Commenters at another blog, comment is free @ http://www.theguardian.co.uk, (a broadly liberal/social democrat UK newspaper and a very lively debate) the other week were discussing Britain’s perceived race relations/immigration problems and several referred to the US Mexican situation as an example of good intergrated community relations… shows what we know I guess.

    I think you’re safe from footie for a while aren’t you? Please abuse David Beckham on my behalf, I’m a Leeds United fan and he’ll understand.

    God bless us all.

  • A Leeds United fan? I didn’t know there were any of them left! Ahahahahahahaha hahahahah hahahahahahah!

  • Fraid so Christopher – we’ve got minus six, yes we’ve got minus six… In fact there are many of us, we are legion in our misery!

    It’s very off topic but we’re a salutory lesson to other clubs thinking of ‘living the dream’, but don’t get me started, really, don’t…

    PS, I hope someone reviews the “Leeds United are Evil” novel The Damned United by David Peace.

  • You are indeed legion – and now Master Batesers! Oh how the mighty are fallen!

  • Indeed, still, in so doing, we’ve made a lot of people very happy. How Bates is still in control of the club is all a bit of a mystery, and from my last reading there’s no end to the law suits etc in sight for a while, even though Wise seems to, finally, have us playing well.

    Which bunch of moneyed premier league scummers do you follow ;o)

  • I follow the one true faith, where St Eric found his spiritual home and Alan Smith, well, didn’t! And yes, I am from Manchester before you ask!!

  • I’m not from from Leeds so I never criticise cockney reds or the like, I am in a delocated glass house!

    I don’t discuss religion – so the club with Satan on their shirts and a pair of Judases (Judi?)… Not to forget Rio, are beyong my remit…

    I saw Eric’s first game back at Elland Road, it was the most spiteful atmosphere I’ve ever experienced there – Fergusson and Wilko came on the Tannoy (TM) afore the game to appeal for calm!

    When we were in the Chumpionship I used to opine happily, “We’ll be back”. I’m not so sure we ever will be now – Bates always hated us, and there are those conspiracists who believe that he’s actually on a secret Destroy Leeds mission.

  • Dr Dreadful

    This is one of the reasons I love BC.

    Absolutely no comments on this piece for over a year, and then suddenly, within four posts, we’re talking about… immigration? US-Mexican relations? No – Leeds United!

    Enough smirking there, Chris. What happened to Leeds could happen to Man U too, one day. I hear a certain Mr Gonzalez is looking for a new job – may want to try his hand at running a football club…

  • Knob off, you Geordie tosser 😉

    I remember all too well all those many barren years at Old Trafford after Sir Matt retired, so I’ve earned the right to have a laugh at the currently afflicted!

    I’m sure both Leeds and Newcastle will eventually play football more in keeping with their history and traditions than they have managed in recent years.

    One day!

  • Dr Dreadful

    Ah yes, that memorable spring day in 1974 when Man City scored the goal that sent United down to the old Second Division… courtesy of Denis Law.

    As for me, I place the blame for Newcastle’s lack of success squarely on the shoulders of Marco Gabbiadini.

    Go on… ask me why. I know you’re dying to!

  • Martin

    This is to clarify one posted mistake. Quoted ‘ending the money they make here, back to Mexico’ . That’s partially wrong as they aren’t sending ALL their money to MX. The take mortgages, spend in food, clothes , PCs, cells, consumer electronics , cars and so on. They still help to reduce the falling consumer economy and what if crackdowns against illegals last months (mostly from MX) were helping to accelerate the giant fall economy and recession originated in subprime mortgages and generalized deficits. About immigrating Europe as reply for residents , seems only for those not having strong ties to any bank, a rare coin nowadays. Also would be required enough money to face euro/dollar exchange rate. Something to think twice before losing everything.

  • Gabriella

    Jaime, [personal attack deleted] jajaja in US doesnt even exist a national languaje [personal attack deleted], and your name is a sapnish name, and the people from Europe…jaja we dont like the americans dont you get it, baaaaaaaaaaa