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Satire: Newspaper Headlines If Iran Is Attacked

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Although the Bush administration has grown surprisingly supple and accommodating in its dealings with Iran, a U.S. attack on that country can still not be ruled out. Following are forty possible newspaper headlines that may follow in the wake of Iran War.

Tales of the Iran War

  1. Bush Awarded Nobel Peace Prize
  2. President Hillary Pays A Surprise Thanksgiving Visit To US Troops In Isfahan
  3. Hamid Karzai Dragged From The U.S. Embassy In Kabul, Executed
  4. U.S. Attack Destroys Iran's Nuclear Installations
  5. Mullahs Take Over In Pakistan; Dr. Abdul Qadir Khan To Be New President
  6. First Anniversary of Iran War: 672 U.S. Troops Killed Since 2006
  7. Bin Laden Undergoes Successful Kidney Transplant
  8. Jubilant Iranians Topple Statues In Tehran's Khomeini Square
  9. World War III Starts
  10. Lolita Is Back In Tehran Book Shops
  11. Massive Earthquake Shatters Iran's Nuclear Complex
  12. Israel Wiped Out
  13. Halliburton Takes Over Iranian National Oil Company
  14. Labour Party Suffers Spectacular Defeat In The British Polls
  15. U.S. To Consider Using Small Atom Bombs As Iran War Lengthens
  16. Pakistan Nukes Delhi, India Nukes Pakistan
  17. Hillary Clinton White House Engulfed By First Lad’s Sex Scandal
  18. Muslims Immigrants Storm US Embassy in Copenhagen
  19. Mullah Omar Back In Kandahar, Bin Laden Back In Tora Bora
  20. Michael Jackson Adopts An Iranian Orphanage
  21. Mushroom Cloud Finally Scatters From Manhattan Skyline
  22. Iran Bombs The Wailing Wall
  23. North Korea Announces Nuclear Tests
  24. Al Jazeera Telecasts Kidnapped New York Times Journalist’s Video
  25. Iranians Rush Out To Welcome Bush
  26. China Appeals For Calm
  27. Iran's Rose Revolution: Clerics Abdicate Power
  28. Holidaying Charles And Camilla Survives A Bomb Blast In Sharm El Sheikh
  29. Ahmadinejad Surrenders In The Holy City Of Qom
  30. Musharraf Dies In U.S. Exile (Obituary: Page 13A)
  31. Muslim Protest Turns Violent In India; American Consulate In Bombay Burned
  32. Jordan's King Assassinated By Islamists
  33. George Bush Collapses; Suffers Heart Attack
  34. Democracy Springs In Iran
  35. Condoleezza Rice Resigns
  36. Israel, Palestine Signs Peace Settlement, Jerusalem To Be Joint Capital
  37. A New Shah Takes Control of Iran
  38. Bush Confesses 1000 Errors On Iran Plan
  39. India Hit By Riots: Hindus Support US, Muslims Support Iran
  40. Saddam Hussein Seen Laughing In The Court

Pick out your favorites and if, dear reader, you are not much occupied, please type the numbers of your choices in the comment box below.

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About Mayank Austen Soofi

  • http://www.culturesalad.blogspot.com Ray Ellis

    Jeez! These headlines would be even funnier if they weren’t such real possibilities.

  • Ruvy in Jerusalem

    Mayankh,

    I know you called this satire – and the editor who published it agreed with you. But it “’tain’t funny, McGee…”

  • http://insiderealestatejournal.blogspot.com Mr. Real Estate

    You forgot one:

    Donald Trump To Build Condo Tower Overlooking Persian Gulf

    Hey, it could happen.

  • http://www.culturesalad.blogspot.com Ray Ellis

    Taking one’s self too seriously is detrimental, Ruvy. Truth is, if we don’t laugh, the terrorists win.

  • http://www.futonreport.net/ Matthew T. Sussman

    Hold everything.

    The terrorists win if Ruvy doesn’t think this article is funny?

  • Ruvy in Jerusalem

    Ray,

    Let me repeat the wisdom of another fellow who commented here.

    “Jeez! These headlines would be even funnier if they weren’t such real possibilities.”

    The posibilities of too many of things listed in the article actually happening is what robs the funniness from it.

  • troll

    #41 – Juju decides that enough is enough and suffocates us all in a gigundo pile of elephant shit

    troll