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Satire: News Flash – Men Are Led Around by Their Penises

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Did people really get money to do this research? Or was this a case of someone just wanting to make sure the urban legend, old wives’ tale, or woman’s intuition thing was actually true?

Yes, indeed. Men are led around by their penises. Their decisions are influenced by their hormones. When you say “hormonal,” instead of talking about a woman’s monthly cycle, you probably should be talking about men, particularly those with high testosterone.

If there ever were a reason to ban pornography, sexy videos, R-rated movies, the Dallas and other barely clad cheerleaders, here it is. Otherwise, you don’t want men making decisions with these aforementioned things lurking around to send their minds reeling into hormonal confusion.

Perhaps we should blind or ban all men from all important decision-making matters. The researchers even have an easy test:

Testosterone levels were gauged by measuring the ratio of the index finger to the ring finger. A low value, suggesting a ring finger longer than the index finger, is a result of high testosterone and is found more commonly in men than women.

Perhaps that’s what has really addled Hugh Hefner’s brains into thinking he’s a healthy part of the sexual revolution instead of an old geezer who’s pimping and being a moneybag for gold-diggers as well as possibly selling a lifestyle that is so anti-safer sex in an era that knows about HIV and HPV (that causes cervical cancer in women), no man not having a wet dream could take him seriously.

Or, perhaps that is the problem. Hefner’s very name probably brings up so many images in the average male mind that no straight man can think straight.

Not to be sexist, the researchers did try to find similar problems with women.

Testosterone levels were gauged by measuring the ratio of the index finger to the ring finger. A low value, suggesting a ring finger longer than the index finger, is a result of high testosterone and is found more commonly in men than women.

So now, just which is the weaker sex?

About Murasaki

  • Bliffle

    Did anyone have any doubt about this? Did anyone doubt that men were led around by their gonads? Even worse than the way women are led around by their biology. At least women are sexually benign for a few days each month, whereas male craziness returns in just a few minutes after orgasm.

  • http://absent-mind.blogspot.com/ Jet in Columbus

    Duh!

  • sal m

    my penis has led me down the right path for over 40 years, thank you very much!

  • http://ruvysroost.blogspot.com Ruvy in Jerusalem

    PT, the political implications of this bit of revelation could be interesting indeed…

  • http://murasaki.blog-city.com Purple Tigress

    I wonder how much money the researchers got paid (and how much money the test subjects got paid to look and rate photos of lingerie models).

  • Steve

    I can’t honestly recall anyone I know/used to know with fingers like that so it must be pretty rare. Mind you, not the kind of thing I look at on a person I suppose.

  • http://murasaki.blog-city.com Purple Tigress

    I’m sure students of palmistry everywhere were thrilled.

    I guess one should check all the men I know to see what their digits say about their hormonal states.

  • http://jswynne.typepad.com/gropes/ Jim Wynne

    Robin Williams was right, I fear:

    “God gave men a brain and a penis, but only enough blood to work one at a time.”

  • Bliffle

    Right hand or left hand? What if the 2 fingers are the same?

  • http://murasaki.blog-city.com Purple Tigress

    Bliffle:

    The article doesn’t say, but I’m sure if someone thinks of that question, they’ll be applying for a research grant soon.

    You might try to beat them to it!

  • http://murasaki.blog-city.com Purple Tigress

    Jim:

    I guess then it isn’t always true that two heads are better than one?

  • http://jswynne.typepad.com/gropes/ Jim Wynne

    Yes, and I think that sometimes one head isn’t better than none.

  • http://theugliestamerican.blogspot.com Andy Marsh

    Jim – which head was that last assesment made with???

  • http://murasaki.blog-city.com Purple Tigress

    I’m not sure I want to know that much about Jim although now I do wonder about the finger length question.

  • http://jswynne.typepad.com/gropes/ Jim Wynne

    I’ve made the observation that men who have big hands and feet also have a marked and statistically significant tendency to have large gloves and shoes.

  • fedi

    God gave man a brain and a penis, and only enough blood to go to one at a time.

    God gave woman a brain and a heart, and enough blood to go to both.

    Men claim that men should rule the world (women are too emotional) even though men can’t rule their own penises.