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Satire: New Roethlisberger Incident From 2003 Comes To Light

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The serious accusations and sporadic rumors surrounding Pittsburgh Steelers quarterback Ben Roethlisberger's sexual assault on multiple women over the years has reached an untenable breaking point this spring. Our sources have identified yet another incident that dates back to 2003. 

Before Roethlisberger was a two-time Super Bowl-winning quarterback, he was a mild-mannered student-athlete at Miami University. His big, mobile frame and accurate arm made him an NFL prospect in the eyes of virtually every scout. The media was admittedly less prevalent around Miami U. football than it was for the NFL, so it's entirely possible that Roethlisberger's alleged incident seven years ago slipped through the 24-hour news cycle.

It was a relatively cold night in Ohio on December 4, 2003. (Most are.) An unsuspecting Bowling Green State University football team was ready to host the MAC Championship game. Led by coach Gregg Brandon and quarterback Josh Harris, the stage set was for a truly special night.

But that was when the nightmare began.

Ben Roethlisberger systematically penetrated the defense with 440 passing yards and four touchdowns and Miami University would go on to win 49-27.

According to the police report, BGSU's football team did fight back. Scratches were left on the assailant's forearms when they took the early lead off a blocked punt. However, the Falcons were eventually overpowered as they laid back and let the RedHawks enjoy a 42-13 finish to the game.

The BGSU team never had the same spring in their step. They would win their bowl game later that month against 6-6 Northwestern, but never again would they play for the MAC Championship. They were damaged goods, and few other talented football players gave them the time of day after that.

Months later, Roethlisberger declared for the 2004 NFL Draft and was taken by the Steelers with the 11th overall pick. The rest of his sports accomplishments have been well chronicled, but no passer rating nor yards-after-attempt can quantify the irreparable harm done physically and emotionally to the BGSU football program on that wintry, pristine December eve.

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  • Larkin Vonalt

    Not funny. Wait until someone you love has been the victim of sexual assault, and then see how humourous you think your creepy metaphor is.

  • zingzing

    oh, hush.

  • rman24

    This is in extremely poor taste. What is wrong with you?