Home / Culture and Society / Satire: New Poll Indicates President Obama Trails Generic Republican, Generic Creeper

Satire: New Poll Indicates President Obama Trails Generic Republican, Generic Creeper

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WASHINGTON — An analysis of recent public opinion polling indicates that President Obama could be in for a very tough reelection fight. A much-discussed Gallup poll from July showed Obama losing to a generic Republican by eight percentage points. Another poll from that month showed former Massachusetts governor Mitt Romney with a slight lead over the president. But the latest news is perhaps the worst yet for the White House: a new poll released today shows President Obama losing to a generic Creeper by a 48-45 margin.

The survey was conducted by the respected Dewey Unlimited Polling Enterprises opinion research firm. It finds President Obama trailing a generic Creeper in such key demographic groups as adults without a college degree, married women, and transgender Buddhists who walk with a limp.

The poll included a number of other potential election matchups. President Obama is locked in a dead heat with Texas Congressman Ron Paul, while he narrowly loses to a generic Pashtun Migrant. The president leads Texas Governor Rick Perry by two points and a generic Syphilitic by three. All are within the poll’s margin of error. (Complete results below.)

The poll paints a worrying picture for some GOP hopefuls as well. Minnesota Congresswoman Michele Bachmann and former House speaker Newt Gingrich are in a statistical tie with a generic Scientologist. Businessman Herman Cain is trailing a generic Lot Lizard by a percentage point. And former Alaska governor Sarah Palin, who has not formally declared her intention to run for president, is polling behind a generic Spree Killer. 

Harvey Wireman, a political science professor from Miskatonic University, says he was somewhat surprised by the findings. “I knew the president’s popularity had taken a beating because of the weak economy, but I was unaware that the American people were ready to replace him with a menacing figure who lurks around parks at night.” “This is evidence,” said Wireman, “that the president really needs to rally his base ahead of the next election. Or else he could go for a ‘fusion ticket’ and replace Joe Biden with a convicted sex offender.”

Professor Wireman also had some words of caution for potential GOP hopeful Palin. “When you are a former major party vice presidential candidate and you find yourself polling worse than psychotic mass murderers and, if I understand the term correctly, meth-addicted truck stop prostitutes, you’ve got something of an image problem.” 

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About RJ

  • Baronius

    RJ, I see what you’re doing, and it makes me sick. That “Pawlenty was born in Pakistan” rumor is proven false. Tim’s grandfather, Oumad Paalenti, was a legal immigrant, and Tim’s dad was born in the US.

  • lol…

  • Perhaps Bill Ayers should run. Personally, I’d vote for him ahead of BHO. Might as well vote for someone who honestly admits to wanting to destroy America.

    He’d certainly rally the Democrat base.

  • Al! It’s been a long time. Welcome back to BC. 🙂

  • Mr Barger’s infrequent appearances seem to coincide with yours, RJ.

    I think he likes you.

  • Well he should. I’m a lovely human being.

  • zingzing

    i wonder if al can tell us all the reasons why obama wants to destroy america.

  • I wonder if zingzing would be open-minded enough to consider them.

    How’s the shift key doing, by the way?

  • zingzing

    just fine, how’s the bile?

    if you’d like to enlighten me as how obama would profit from destroying america, i’d like to hear. but you’ll not get to me with fascist communist socialist islamist totalitarian nazi bs.

  • zingzing

    actually, go ahead with the fascist, etc stuff if that’s all you’ve got. it’ll be more entertaining that way.

  • I see now. All isms are bad except for capitalism and liberalism.

  • Especially ismism!

  • zingzing

    well, there’s still socialism, anarchism, libertarianism, feminism, environmentalism…

    obviously, i don’t think liberalism is bad. i’ve got mixed feelings about socialism (it can go too far, although we’re certainly nowhere near that point), as well as capitalism (it can go too far, as can be easily seen in the bubble-crash-bubble-crash nature of our economy). libertarianism and anarchism are pipe dreams. environmentalism and feminism are a little borderline to the conversation.

    i’m sure there are plenty more out there. so, no, you don’t see. but that’s ok.

  • zingzing

    and conservatism goes without saying.