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Satire: National Appeal for the Fictional

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In today’s celebrity obsessed world, we tend to forget the other side of the entertainment world: the fictional characters. Do we really do enough to take care of the created after the sequels are over with like we do for the creators?

It is not like Batman really has any other job opportunities if they stop making the movies. Sure, the actor will get other jobs, but Batman can only be Batman. If they stop making movies, the character is unemployed and I seriously doubt there is a pension plan for fictional characters.

I know what you are saying. Batman is also Bruce Wayne and Bruce is loaded. Bad example I admit, but the point is still there. Once the movies are over with, the characters that were brought to life are left to wander around and pray for a sequel someday. They have to eat. They have families to feed and bills to pay. With no source of income, naturally we are going to see a rise in fictional crime in the real world.

You think I am joking right now, but read on dear skeptics, read on. In Hollywood California, just this week on February 3rd, we had a run-in between an unemployed character and some tourists. After three successful movies and numerous television appearances in the late 70s and early 80s, Chewbacca had grown accustomed to a certain lifestyle. With the serious lack of quality werewolf movies being produced, he found his options for acting were limited to Star Wars related affairs only. His royalties for the first three movies were almost gone due to an unfair contract his first manager made him sign when he needed desperately to work.

Around 1993, the talk around town was that Lucas was preparing to make a new batch of Star Wars movies. Chewbacca felt his ship had finally come in. He was $3 million in the hole to the local Hutt, Guava, and really could use the work, but Lucas would not take his calls. Lucas was going the prequel route instead and had no use for the Wookie. A cameo was talked about, but cameos do not pay the bills. Chewie was forced back onto the streets to pose for photos – the shame of the fictional world. This was his downfall.

“Nobody tells this Wookiee what to do,” was the battle cry from an unemployed Wookie as he slammed his massive furry head into the head of a Hollywood tour guide. The tour guide’s crime? Protecting two Japanese tourists from the possible hunger-induced Wookie rage.

The true shame and horror of this tragic turn of events in Chewbacca’s life is that the entire crime was witnessed by Superman, who did nothing to stop it. Seems the man of steel is on strike when the cameras are not rolling, but can we really blame him? What other options do these characters have to earn a living? Would you hire a fictional character? Honestly?

This is not the first time and it is not the last time we will see assaults come from the fictional. There are those who will want to pass harsher laws to punish the fictional instead of working to correct this growing employment and re-education problem. The Los Angeles Times is reporting that just two years ago, Mr. Incredible and the Scream killer were arrested for “aggressive begging.” Locking them up is not the option because, while no one will hire a fictional character, no one would even consider an ex-con fictional character. We would only add to the rise in fictional crimes.

Pray the new Tickle Me Elmo sold well because Elmo was picked up back then, too. Can you believe Elmo and Chewbacca have been reduced to begging?

Please support your local sequel. It is the least you can do.

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About Brad Schader