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Satire: More Filth Tumbles Out of Jane Austen’s Closet

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All pickings are sourced to Pride and Prejudice, Miss Austen's sexiest novel.

Sexually frustrated Miss Caroline Bingely refers to the Shriveled-up 'Pen' of Mr. Darcy
Miss Bingley: "I am afraid you do not like your pen. Let me mend it for you. I mend pens remarkably well."
Mr. Darcy: "Thank you – but I always mend my own."

Mr. Darcy Discusses the Pitfalls of 2-Minute Fast-food Sex with Intimate Friend Mr. Bingley
"The power of doing anything with quickness is always much prized by the possessor, and often without any attention to the imperfection of the performance."

Miss Caroline Bingley Chooses Her Favorite Male Body Part
"I should like balls infinitely better."

Jane Austen's 18th-Century Portrayal of Weird Sexual Practices in Army Camps
Much had been done in the regiment since the preceding Wednesday: several of the officers had dined lately with their uncle, a private had been flogged.

Mrs. Bennet Makes Wild Guesses on the Virginity of her Daughters
As to her younger daughters she could not take upon her to say – she could not positively answer – but she did not know of any prepossession.

Copulation – In the Elegant Jane Austen Style
She received him with her very best politeness, which he returned with as much more, apologising for his intrusion, without any previous acquaintance with her.
(Mrs. Philips gets intimate with the clergyman Mr. Collins.)

Dykes Disturbed
The two young ladies were summoned from the shrubbery.

Mary – the Bookish Bennet Daughter – Proposes to be a Part-time Whore
"While I can have my mornings to myself," said she, "it is enough – I think it no sacrifice to join occasionally in evening engagements."

In the Act
Elizabeth felt herself completely taken in.

Lizzie's Dirty Thoughts
"Perhaps by and by I may observe that private balls are much pleasanter than public ones."

Miss Elizabeth Bennet Doubts Her Sexual Prowess
"I must not decide on my own performance."

Mr. Darcy and Ms. Bennet Provide Certain Services to Sir William Lucas – Ms. Bennet's Best Friend's Father!
Sir Lucas: "I have been most highly gratified indeed…. It is evident that you [Mr. Darcy] belong to the first circles. Allow me to say, however, that your fair partner [Lizzy] does not disgrace you, and that I must hope to have this pleasure often repeated."

Strip Shows in Jane Austen's England
"You have delighted us long enough. Let the other young ladies have time to exhibit."
(Mr. Bennet preferred ladies than his own daughter, Mary, doing all that striptease.)

To Elizabeth it appeared her family made an agreement to expose themselves as much as they could during the evening.
(The strip show was held at Mr. Bingley's rented establishment in Netherfield.)

The Sophisticated Sex Games of Mr. Collins the Clergyman and Miss Lizzy
"I know it to be the established custom of your sex to reject a man on the first application."
(Mr Collins on Elizabeth's pre-love-making coyness)

"You would have been less amiable in my eyes had there not been this little unwillingness."
(Mr Collins seduced by Lizzie's charming tricks.)

"Lizzy declares she will not have Mr. Collins, and Mr. Collins begins to say that he will not have Lizzy."
(Mrs Bennet, Lizzy's mother, despairs on the breakdown of all sexual contacts between her daughter and the clergyman.)

The Joy of Fingering
"My fingers," said Elizabeth, "do not move over this instrument [Mr. Darcy's] in the masterly manner which I see so many women's do. They have not the same force or rapidity, and do not produce the same expression. But then I have always supposed it to be my own fault – because I would not take the trouble of practising."

You may also like to read Jane Austen's Sex Secrets.

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About Mayank Austen Soofi

  • http://parodieslost.typepad.com mschannon

    Great satire. Well done. I gotta get me that book.

    In Decaf Veritas

  • http://ruinedbyreading.blogspot.com Mayank ‘Austen’ Singh

    Wao! If my articles on Jane Austen’s writings can attract more readers to her brilliantly cool novels, I am more than content.

  • sophie

    your an idiot. this isnt satire. this is you destorting normal situations into sexaul ones. you missed all of the REAL satire of the novel.