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Satire: Modest Proposals for the GITMO Gang

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Today, President Obama announced that the Guantanamo Bay detention facility will close within a year. A special task force will be assigned the job of figuring out what to do with the hundreds of detainees still housed there. It's going to be a challenge, because their home countries and other potential havens around the world won't take them back; the only people who don't realize that they are dangerous terrorists are the American left and the Obama administration. So here are some modest suggestions for resolving their status and directing their energies towards more useful pursuits than blowing up children, stoning women to death and kidnapping journalists.

Glacier Monitoring in Greenland

Whatever happens in Greenland stays in Greenland, and so does anyone you send there. Give them each a parka and a tape measure. They can measure how much the glaciers are shrinking and then turn in their measurements at an automated kiosk which will give them food in exchange. Inevitably, when the food packets gradually stop being picked up, we can be comforted by knowing that we've helped out with the food shortage which is threatening the polar bear population.

Mortgage Adjusters

Spending five years in a concrete cell ought to have given them a unique perspective on housing requirements. Let's put them to work helping to renegotiate mortgage terms for people who have fallen behind on their home payments. Do you really want to argue over terms with this guy? ——->

Soylent Green is made out of terrorists! You've gotta tell them! Soylent Green is terrorists!

…and it comes in three flavors: al Qaeda, Taliban, and spicy Sudanese.

Internal Security Police

Rahm Emanuel has proposed a plan to create a civil security force which sounds an awful lot like the kind of secret police forces popular in countries like Iran and Syria. This sort of work should be second nature to our GITMO gang. You'll think twice about writing that blog criticizing Obama when you know that embassy bomber Walid bin 'Attash might stop by to discuss it with you.

Cultural Sensitivity Trainers

With the Democrats in control of school financing, we're going to need a lot more teachers who specialize in teaching multicultural sensitivity courses in our government schools. Who better than some of the GITMO gang to heighten awareness among school kids of the decadence of western society and the superiority of societies which allow ritual murder, mutilation and slavery under the protection of Sharia law?

Radio Talk Show Hosts

Under the Fairness Doctrine we'll need entertaining shows to balance out the likes of Rush Limbaugh and Sean Hannity. Every one of the new shows will open with "alahuakbar" and end with the meaty thunk of a jewish journalist's head being chopped off. Now that's fair and balanced!

ACORN is Hiring

ACORN already hires drug addicts and ex-convicts. Terrorists ought to fit right in. They may have to pay them in semtex and hummus instead of crack, but at least the names they make up for their fraudulent voter registrations will be more original than Mickey Mouse.

So, as you can see, there should be no problem resolving the status of several hundred violent, pissed-off religious fanatics once GITMO is closed. Their new jobs are waiting, and they're eager to become productive members of society.

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About Dave Nalle

Dave Nalle is Executive Director of the Texas Liberty Foundation, Chairman of the Center for Foreign and Defense Policy, South Central Regional Director for the Republican Liberty Caucus and an advisory board member at the Coalition to Reduce Spending. He was Texas State Director for the Gary Johnson Presidential campaign, an adviser to the Ted Cruz senatorial campaign, Communications Director for the Travis County Republican Party and National Chairman of the Republican Liberty Caucus. He has also consulted on many political campaigns, specializing in messaging. Before focusing on political activism, he owned or was a partner in several businesses in the publishing industry and taught college-level history for 20 years.
  • http://jonsobel.com Jon Sobel

    How does “civil defense training” equal a “secret police force?” Unless I’m missing something, this is just conspiracy-theory baiting.

  • http://blogcritics.org/writer/dan_miller Dan(Miller)

    Dave,

    Good, humane and thoughtful suggestions every one.

    However, I must disagree with your thesis that potential havens around the world won’t take them back. Has anyone asked Somalia? It is a nice warm place, not too far from the homes of many of them and, with the recent deaths by drowning of several of the Pirates of Somalia, Somalia may wish to replenish her working class. Although there may not be a functioning government there, that should not be an insurmountable obstacle.

    Dan(Miller)

  • Cindy D

    Dave,

    You said you had some spare room didn’t you? Obama is going to call on each one of us to do our part.

    Some of those guys have skills like welding, blacksmithing, and farming. One has a relative in the states with a cow. I don’t think any of them like eggs that much so your safe with your 40.

    They all like guns I hear.

  • Cindy D

    You can even start the first chapter of Terrorists Anonymous right there in Austin.

  • http://ex-conservative.blogspot.com Glenn Contrarian

    Dave –

    Soylent Green? Dude, your age is showing. That’s one of the few movies that still makes me shiver….

    But instead of using them to balance out the rabid neo-con radio talk-show hosts, let them replace Bill-O, Rush, Hannity, Savage, Levin, etc. After all, hate is hate, and the only difference between the hates of the two groups…is the targets of their hate.

  • http://takeitorleaveit.typepad.com/ Roger Nowosielski

    Dave,

    I actually liked this article. I think your strengths as a satirist are best. I’m being sincere here.

    Roger

  • http://www.fontcraft.com/rod/ Dave Nalle

    Thanks, Roger. But satire is a lot harder work than writing the usual expository stuff. Helps a lot to have great material to work from, for which I thank all those who conceived of the brilliant idea of shutting down GITMO.

    Dave

  • http://takeitorleaveit.typepad.com/ Roger Nowosielski

    Dave,

    Apart from whether I agree with you or not on this issue, it is perhaps the most effective method of ridiculing the idea. That’s what made people like Mencken and Mark Twain famous. And you do seem to have a knack for it. Great reading.

    Roger

  • http://www.joannehuspek.wordpress.com Joanne Huspek

    I have to agree with Roger. Even though this was twisted in a weird sort of way, I found it amusing.

    Hmm… maybe that means I’m twisted too?

  • http://takeitorleaveit.typepad.com/ Roger Nowosielski

    No, Joanne. I think it means that you’re human and can respond to tragicomedy.

  • bliffle

    Ah, well, once we solve the problem of re-deploying the Gitmo prisoners, then we have to figure out what to do with their torturers! Are we going to callously throw them into the already overloaded unemployment roles?

    Do we re-train torturers for other trades, or do we find new ways for them to employ their existing skills? Re-purposing torture, one might say.

    Perhaps we could outsource them to countries that support a more thriving torture business. I won’t name names because I don’t want to be plucked off the streets and get water-boarded! But you know who they are.

  • http://www.fontcraft.com/rod/ Dave Nalle

    Thanks, Roger and Joanne. I wish I could find material that inspired me to write satire with the frequency and quality which Mencken turned out. Surely our contemporary situation should offer even richer material than his pre-war heydey.

    Bliff, you hit close to home on the torturers. Virtually no torture happened at GITMO or anywhere under US control. The real torture cases – and they aren’t that numerous – were handled through rendition to other countries where there are trained torturers who I’m sure continue to find plenty of work with their local governments.

    As for our homegrown torture specialists, I’m sure they can find work writing teen comedy for the CW network or the CBN.

    Dave

  • http://takeitorleaveit.typepad.com/ Roger Nowosielski

    It looks like Bliff (judging by #11, at least) has a knack for it, too.

  • http://drdreadful.blogspot.com Dr Dreadful

    As for our homegrown torture specialists, I’m sure they can find work writing teen comedy for the CW network or the CBN.

    There speaks the parent of a teenage girl.

  • http://takeitorleaveit.typepad.com/ Roger Nowosielski

    That’s dirty pool, Doc. He was being satirical. But so are you.