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Satire: Mock NFL Draft, The Mascot Edition Part 2

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The Mock Drafting is out of control. AFC Mascots Gone Wild, only here at Blogcritics.

NOTE: Blogcritics sports editor, the Suss, was unable to complete his mock draft selections because he suffered an unfortunate accident involving a curling stone.

The Buffalo Bills. Because nothing says “tough” like your mascot being struck in the temple with a red line. For all of you fans of the Odd Couple TV show, Buffalo, New York was the home for Unger Gum, the gum company owned by Felix’s brother Floyd.

The Buffalo Bills select Brian Iwuh safety of the Colorado Buffaloes of Boulder. When he makes the tackle, I want John Madden to say “Iwuh” and see if viewers can differentiate it from the rest of his speech. This guy might actually have a chance to be drafted. The Suss came up with a good one here.

The Miami Dolphins. Ricky Williams was their running back and he has a history of failing drug tests. So let’s see if we can find a running back from a Dolphin-represented team. By the way, the Dolphin could be the least threatening of all mascots.

The Dolphins select – Voila! – Steven Battle a running back from the University of Jacksonville Dolphins in nearby Jacksonville, Florida. If this one passes a drug test, consider it a steal.

The New England Patriots. Doug Flutie set the tone last year, so I will be sorely disappointed if they don’t dropkick every extra point attempt this season.

The Patriots select Jai Lewis, basketball player from George Mason, whose Patriot team made the Final Four. Lewis said he was considering an NFL career. He may be either a tight end or a lineman. But this is the real question: Will he be identity theft assistance or fraud monitoring? I’d like to give complete credit to the Suss for this one, as well.

The New York Football Jets. Used to be the Titans way back. I think they renamed the team the Jets because they played at Shea Stadium – now the largest toilet in the free world – which is located right at the end of the runways at New York’s LaGuardia Airport. Now they play in Jersey, in Giants Stadium, so you can’t blame them if they have an identity crisis.

The Jets select the His Holiness Maharishi Mahesh Yogi – no relation to Yogi Berra – Founder of the Mararhishi University of Management Flyers located in Fairfield, Iowa, another great place to fly over. The Mararishi can help the Jets develop a better sense of self and break out of the constraints put upon them by the NFL and the local politicians, and help them find their own stadium, move to New York or change their name. The Mararishi University – known as MU – offers a consciousness-based education. When I was in college I was mostly unconscious.

The Baltimore Ravens. The lamest mascot in all of professional sports. I just don’t think that using a reference to a literary classic should be the basis for a professional football team’s mascot. The only thing worse would be to select a mascot from a 1960’s science fiction-based television show.

The Ravens select defensive back Jared Dumm of the California University of Pennsylvania Vulcans located in beautiful California, Pennsylvania. Dumm is currently playing in NFL Europe, but being a Vulcan he’ll be able to teleport between the U.S. and Europe quite easily.

The Cincinnati Bengals. Controversial uniform design that I happen to like. Here’s some Bengal-based haiku:

Orange and Black
Colors of defense and offense
This haiku sucks

The Bengals select linebacker Pago Togafau of the Idaho State Bengals of Pocatello, Idaho. He’s a little undersized at 5’10”, 210-pounds, but he’s got a great name for an NFL linebacker. And he’s a Bengal.

The Cleveland Browns. Hey let’s name our team after one of the most boring colors in the color pallet! I guess brown kind of sums up Cleveland.

The Browns select offensive lineman Adam Selmasska of the Lehigh University Brown and White in Bethlehem, Pennsylvania. If any of you read part one of this mess you would know that Lehigh has three official nicknames. What’s the third? Plus Selmasska has a great name for an offensive lineman.

The Pittsburgh Steelers. Do any of you remember Vavoom from the old Felix the Cat cartoons? Doesn’t Bill Cowher remind you of Vavoom with his big, steam shovel jaw? Rumor has it that the Steelers used to be the Stealers. They weren’t mine workers, but thieves who would rob you blind if you left your stuff on a park bench or in your wallet. This is one of the biggest myths in the history of sports mascot-dom.

The Steelers select Fred Wardell from the College of Columbia-Hollywood Claim Jumpers of Tarzana, California. The Claim Jumpers don’t have any athletic teams, but Fred here teaches Film and Video Production. And rumor has it that the Stealers, I mean Steelers camera guy missed the reverse pass touchdown from Randle-El to Ward because he got distracted by his own gum chewing. You can’t have that happen in the NFL.

The Houston Texans. Another boring mascot. Imagine how dull sports mascots would be if all teams chose to name themselves after themselves. The California Californians. The Detroit Michiganites. The Brooklyn New Yorkers. The Miami Floridians, oh wait that was an old ABA team. But you get the idea.

The Texans select the entire roster of the Tarleton State University Texans of Texas – who cares what town – who lifted over 14,000 pounds in the annual football team weight lifting competition. This may seem like a lot of weight, but there are over 12,000 members of the Texans football squad thus minimizing the Wow factor. Annoying fact, the women’s team at Tarleton is known as the Texanns.

The Indianapolis Colts. A colt carries no geographical relevance to the Indianapolis area since the team moved from Baltimore. I assume the colt mascot made reference to Baltimore’s history of horse racing at Pimlico Racetrack. I hate the Colts, therefore will not waste too much time thinking of a joke to attach to their draft selection.

The Colts select somebody from the California State Long Beach Dirt Bags baseball team of Long Beach, California. See, the Baltimore Colts literally moved out of town and on to Indianapolis in the middle of the night without telling anybody about it. That was a dirt bag move. The Dirt Bag nickname is limited to the Cal State Long Beach baseball team and the rest of the school uses the 49’ers as their mascot. Got it?

The Jacksonville Jaguars. Zzzzz

The Jaguars select:Zzzzz

The Tennessee Titans. I’m sure many of you know that he Titans used to be the Houston Oilers. While many of you may not know that the New York Jets used to be known as the Titans. The Titans were also part of a tit joke featured in one of the Austin Powers movies, where in a montage of sophomoric boob humor, four shirtless fat guys in a crowd at a game spelled out the word “TITS,” only to be joined by two other fat guys with an “A” and an “N” painted on their chests. You know, to spell “TITANS.” Anyway…

The Titans select – in a nod to Suss the sports editor who is kind of in the same area as this team – Melvyn Griffin defensive back from the University of Findlay Oilers located in beautiful Findlay, Ohio. I don’t know much about Melvyn, but I think U of F uses the nickname the Oilers because Marathon Oil has their headquarters there. Or because there’s a rib joint in town that serves really oily food.

The Denver Broncos. The Broncos have the worst uniforms in pro football. The Bronco is also a very dull mascot to try to build a joke on. Therefore, the Denver Broncos will pick someone from a school that will help them re-do their uniforms while also providing grist for a stupid joke.

The Broncos select Catherine Andreozzi Professor of Apparel Design for the Nads of the Rhode Island School of Design in Providence, Rhode Island. Nads, I say. Denver has committed the unforgivable uniform design sin of introducing the ridiculous horn-like color spikes that run the length of the team’s uniform, starting at the jersey and running down the length of the pants. Hopefully, Ms. Andreozzi can help right this very wrong. Also, and if you don’t get the humor that resides in the team nickname the “Nads” you are too mature to be reading this and should leave immediately.

The Kansas City Chiefs. I never thought using the Native American Indian as a mascot for a team was a bad thing. I don’t think these portrayals are meant to be offensive. And why would a team or a school want to have a mascot that is anything but a positive for all involved? Although I admit I would love to see a team chose to be known as “The Italian Mobsters” as in “The New Jersey Italian Mobsters.” With the Sopranos being so popular, I would think this would make a great name for a team in the Arena Football League. “Ladies and gentlemen, here are YOUR New Jersey Italian Mobsters….”

The Chiefs select quarterback Drew Beard from the Southeastern Oklahoma State University Savages, who finished third in the 2004 balloting for the Harlon Hill Trophy, the D-3 equivalent of the Heisman. The Chiefs figured they’d pick a kid from a program with a truly offensive mascot so their mascot wouldn’t look so bad. Beard needed to take a year off to escape the stigma associated from being a Savage.

The Oakland Raiders. The Raiders are kind of embarrassing. Kind of like an old biker who thinks he can still kick ass, but now sports a diaper and can barely balance on two feet let alone on a moving, two-wheeled vehicle. They just aren’t tough guys anymore. So let’s see if we can find a team that has a mascot that’s close enough to a Raider but gives us something to make fun of.

The Raiders select linebacker Billy Bunfill from the University of Mary Marauders of Bismark, North Dakota that bills itself as “America’s Leadership University.” The Raiders need one of Mary’s Marauders to toughen them up and to show them the way. And a “Bunfill” in the Bay Area, well I won’t go there…

The San Diego Chargers. San Diego is such a great place. The weather is great so who cares if the teams are mediocre. People have more important things to do than to sit at a game.

The Chargers select the entire cheerleading squad from the Lancaster Bible College Chargers located in Lancaster, Pennsylvania. San Diego is such a laid back place the fans need a little kick in the keister sometimes. These Charger Cheerleaders have what it takes. Here’s a bit of the Lancaster Charger spirit for you. “If you’re a dynamic, can’t-sit-still person with lots of energy and vocal ability, then you need to check out the options for our MVF’s (Most Valuable Fans)! The cheerleading team spurs our athletic teams and spectators onto higher energy participation for all sports and needs YOU! The best part is nobody tells you to “please sit down and be quiet!” Gooo Chargers!

Now that I think of it, haiku might be the way to go. Stay tuned.

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About Sal Marinello

  • mike

    i like the broncoes so leave them alon! they have a awsome mascot and they will pay better thn any other team and then they will start to make jokes about u!!!