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Satire: Mock NFL Draft, The Mascot Edition

Here’s a mock draft that makes a true mockery of the real draft. The rules are simple – in every sense of the word – as the NFL teams can only take players whose college mascot is of the same species as the pro team’s mascot.

By they way, rumor has it that the New York Post is going to print their own mock draft in their new “The Rumble” feature. They are going to use the Detroit Lions’ draft board as determined by Matt Millen.

I can feel my IQ lowering by the second, so let’s get to it before any more drool glistens on my keyboard. But I will add that these are all real people and real colleges. So no names have been changed to protect the innocent.

The New York Football Giants (with an emphasis on THE). Just a quick aside, it bothers me to no end that on the local radio broadcasts the Giants are referred to in this manner. First of all, they haven’t played in New York for over 30 years. Second of all, the New York Baseball Giants moved to San Francisco over 50 years ago. So anyone confused as to which Giants game they are listening to on a crappy November day in New Jersey is too messed up to really understand anything that the announcers may have to say.

Anyway, the Giants pick Michael Bator, a freshman kicker from the Keystone College Giants of LaPlume, Pennsylvania. Mr. Bator – I’ll hold off on that one – is a soccer player and there’s no indication that he’s declared for the draft, but Giants’ Head Coach Tom Coughlin feels that with the good Lord’s help he can turn any man into a NFL punter or kicker.

The Washington Football Redskins. Oh sorry, I’m still pissed about, well never mind. Redskins owner Daniel Snyder is so clueless he actually thinks that these are the rules for this year’s draft.

The Redskins pick Andruw Jones of the Atlanta Braves. I guess Snyder had the last word after all.

The Dallas Cowboys. The team formerly known as America’s Team, now known as the Latest Team To Be Ruined By Terrell Owens.

The Cowboys pick Tye Conrey, a 6-foot, 270-pound offensive tackle from the Hardin-Simmons Cowboys of Abiline Texas. “Hairgel” Kiper had him in his offensive linemen top 20 after pulling an all-nighter at the Bristol, Connecticut TGIF’s right down the street from ESPN’s HQ. He has since amended his list.

The Philadelphia Eagles. The team known as The Last Team To Be Ruined By Terrell Owens. Philly is a tough sports town, so the Eagles are going to pick a tough kid.

The Eagles pick Kaloma Cardwell defensive back from the Lehigh University Mountain Hawks of Bethlehem, Pennsylvania. This is a natural fit, for not only are the mascots very close, the Eagles use Lehigh’s facilities for their training camp. By the way, Lehigh is the only school that I can find that has three official nicknames, the Brown and White, the Engineers and the Mountain Hawks. I know, BFD.

The Chicago Bears. I root for almost all of the old original NFL franchises. I love the Bears uniforms and Dick Butkus and Gale Sayers are two of my all-time favorites. I know, nobody cares.

The Bears pick Mike Singletary linebacker from the Baylor University Bears of Waco, Texas. What’s that you say? The Bears picked him years ago? And he’s a Hall of Famer? See, I told you it was a good pick.

The Minnesota Vikings. The team’s new owners are Jersey boys, big shot real estate developers. They were talking about picking one of the guys in the rampaging hordes that are used in the “What’s In Your Wallet” Visa ads. They now know there are no such things as Vikings anymore.

The Vikings pick quarterback Matt Roe who ran the Wing-T offense to perfection for the legendary Augustana College Vikings of Rock Island, Illinois. Even though he threw only 33 passes last year, completing 17 for almost 370 yards, the Vikings are sure he’s of legit Viking stock.

The Detroit Lions. I don’t care about wins and losses. The Detroit Lions are the most poorly run team in the NFL so we’re going to break the rules for them and let them pick whomever they want.

The Lions pick Reggie Bush of USC and D’Brickashaw Ferguson of Virginia. They get two picks. And they’ll still find a way to stink.

The Green Bay Packers. There’s something not right about the Packers sucking. I hope they get their act together this year and give Brett Favre a nice send off.

The Packers pick … wait a minute. The Packers is a made up name, therefore I reserve the right to pick an athlete from a school with a made up mascot. I made the rules up, so I can change them…

The Packers pick Jennifer Patnode a middle hitter from the Evergreen State College Geoducks (pronounced Goo-ee ducks) of Olympia, Washington. There can’t really be any duck called a geoduck. No way. And they have the same colors as the Packers so it’s close enough. The Pack needs help on defense, and as a middle hitter, Patnode should be able to fill the void in the middle of the Packer defense. The fact that she’s a junior in college and plays women’s volleyball is of little importance. This is schtick, after all.

The Tampa Bay Buccaneers. In the old days the Bucs wore the most hideous uniforms in all of organized sports. Softball leagues laughed at them. Now in an attempt to make up for their past fashion indiscretions they sport an unremarkable color scheme, but have a great helmet logo.

The Buccaneers pick Ryan Armida, a 6’4”, 235-pound wide receiver/kicker from the Massachusetts Maritime Academy Buccaneers in Buzzards Bay, Massachusetts. He’s not ranked on anyone’s board, but apparently has a tattoo of the Bucs logo on his calf and it looks really nice.

The Carolina Panthers. The Panthers were hoping we’d go with a mock draft where teams could pick local American Idol contestants. The Panthers were all ready to pounce on this year’s losers Bucky and Pickler, and possible winner Chris. But the Mock Draft Gods decided that the Panthers will have wait until next year for this exercise in inanity.

The Panthers pick Mary H. Andrich, Professor and Dean of the Albany College of Pharmacy Panthers of Albany, New York. Given the Panthers’ players’ history of getting testosterone and other drugs from Dr. James Shortt – who has pled guilty to distributing steroids and human growth hormone – this is a natural fit.

The Atlanta Falcons. Atlanta’s receivers and running backs are worried that they might contract herpes from handling the same balls – that’s footballs, perverts – that Ron Mexico Michael Vick, handles. This year the Falcons will have to pick a player who is resistant to this strain of thinking.

The Falcons pick the entire athletic training staff of the Messiah College Falcons of Grantham, Pennsylvania who are committed to “Pursuing Athletic Excellence While Developing Christian Character.” Given the issues that could infect the Falcons locker room this season, they may need a little messianic assistance and a real good training staff.

The New Orleans Saints. The poor Saints and their fans. What a history of trouble this franchise has had to endure. First, years of suckiness. Then when things were looking pretty good that broad the hurricane had to come in an cause havoc. Then the Saints signed Drew Brees to a $60 million contract. That’s like hiring Roman emperor Nero to oversee the rebuilding of New Orleans.

The Saints pick Hamid Dicko a 6-foot, 185 lockdown defender for the Hillsdale Free Will Baptist College Saints of Moore, Oklahoma. Dicko plays hoops for the Saints, but New Orleans hopes that his defensive prowess will transfer to playing cornerback in the NFL. And lest anyone scoff at the level of play that Dicko faced at Hillsdale, the Free Will Saints won the 2006 National Championship in the Association of Christian College Athletics, in what must have been a grueling one-and-a-half game tournament.

The Seattle Seahawks. Is there a wimpier bird in the animal kingdom than the seahawk? Is there even such a creature? Isn’t a seahawk just a seagull with PMS? The Seahawks are one of the few teams in the NFL that I actively root against.

The Seahawks pick Justin Perrault, captain of the University of North Carolina-Wilmington Seahawks’ co-ed cheerleading squad.

Arizona Cardinals. At least the University of Louisville has the angry Cardinal logo on their helmet, the one sporting a kind of “F-You” sneer. The Arizona Cardinals logo looks like the bird has fecal urgency. They would have been better off using Woody Woodpecker.

The Cardinals pick Rowland Hutchinson, DDS, MS and the acting Dean of the University of Louisville’s Dental School. The Cardinals will be awful no matter who they pick, so they might as well have nice teeth.

The San Francisco Forty-Niners. Another terrible franchise. It’s like watching General Motors go down the toilet. A shanda.

The Niners pick, from the University of Texas at El Paso Miners quarterback Jordan Palmer. I don’t know if he’s ranked by Hairgel Kiper. I don’t care, either. And I don’t care that there are teams that use 49’ers as their mascot, I don’t think that they should be embarrassed by the association with these 49’ers.

That’s it for the NFC. If you didn’t like this exercise in abject silliness, just be glad that I didn’t go ahead with my plans to conduct an “all-Haiku” mock draft.

About Sal Marinello

  • Fake Man

    You really suck, don’t be hating on the Seattle Seahawks. I know one thing, YOU’RE GOING TO HELL!!! And I’m glad that Seattle made it to the Super Bowl XL. I finally got the anguish out of my system by standing up to this squirrelhead. Sal Marinello, you’re a robo-turd.

  • sal m

    in case you’re unaware there are no personal attacks…however, in the case of mental incompetents we make an exception here at blogcritics.

    and i’m sure i’m going to hell for hating the seahawks…that’s right up there with gassing the kurds and with rod stewart singing songs from the american songbook.

  • http://www.futonreport.net/ Matthew T. Sussman

    The Buccaneers pick Ryan Armida, a 6’4″ 235-pound wide receiver/kicker

    Ooh, that’s like two picks in one.

  • sal m

    and since he’s from the massachusetts maritime academy he’s also a sailor!