SCENE 1:[Senator George Allen (R-VA) is playing in his weekly poker game. Also present are Senator Conrad Burns (R-MT), Senator Sam Brownback (R-KS), Senator Ted Stevens (R-AK), Senator Jim Bunning (R-KY), and Senator Tom Coburn (R-OK).]
SEN. BROWNBACK: So what’re you going to do George? You gonna run?
SEN. ALLEN: Damn right I’m gonna run. This “macaca” thing is bullshit. It’s a media creation that’ll blow over. I don’t even know what “macaca” means. I thought it was the guy’s name. That’s what my staffers were calling him. Jesus, it’s not like I called him “dot head.” Then I could see it. I’d never do that in public. Plain and simple, they are out to get me.
SEN. BUNNING: Oh I heard this great Indian joke. What do you call a 7-11 with…
SEN. STEVENS: You told that one five minutes ago, Jim …
SEN. BUNNING: Sorry.
SEN. STEVENS: Who’s out to get you, the media?
SEN. ALLEN: Well it starts with the media. Most of them are liberal Jews from New York… at least the ones who control everything including Hollywood. They hate the real America and American values. They despise southern Christians most of all. They see me as the embodiment and defender of those things and they want to turn the country into a secular humanist playground where God is banned from the public schools and gay marriage is legal. And most of all they want to open up the borders and let in the entire third world.
SEN. BURNS: We had this little Jewish fellah in my platoon during the war…
SEN BROWNBACK: I agree with you, George. Just let this thing blow over, you’ve still got plenty of support within the party.
SEN. ALLEN: Thanks, Sam. I know I can count on you guys.
SCENE 2:[The master bedroom at the Allen house. Present are Sen. and Mrs. George Allen.
The two are in their pajamas, lying in bed, and reading.]
MRS. ALLEN: So how was your card game?
SEN. ALLEN: I won twenty bucks. By the way, I think Jim Bunning may have Alzheimers.
MRS. ALLEN: Well, I’m glad you won. Sorry about Jim. You seem a little down. Is it the whole “macaca” thing?
SEN. ALLEN: It’s just so unfair.
MRS. ALLEN: Do you want to talk about it?
SEN. ALLEN: Not really. What I want to do is win so I can shove it down their throats. The media, the liberal elites, the gays… When I was in college we used to beat the shit out of guys like that…
MRS. ALLEN: You should probably get some sleep.
SEN. ALLEN: You’re right. Goodnight, dear.[They kiss goodnight and Mrs. Allen turns out the lights. Several hours pass. The next morning, the sun is up. Mrs. Allen rolls over toward her husband and opens her eyes. Suddenly her eyes become wide, she jumps out of bed, and screams.]
MRS. ALLEN: George! There’s a man in the bed! There’s a man in the bed! Arghh!!!
SEN. ALLEN; (groggily) Wha? What? Where? What are you talking about?
MRS. ALLEN: (looking confused) Is that you, George?
SEN. ALLEN: What do you mean, of course, it’s me. Are you feeling okay?
MRS. ALLEN: I’m okay, but you need to look in the mirror, George. You look… different. I didn’t even recognize you.
SEN. ALLEN: What are you talking about?[Sen. Allen gets out of bed and walks quickly to the bathroom mirror. In the mirror he sees that he has a full beard and pais, the curly full-length side burns typically found only on orthodox Jewish men.]
SEN. ALLEN; What the hell? Can this happen overnight?
MRS. ALLEN: I don’t know, dear. Maybe you should see a doctor?
SEN. ALLEN: No… no… I can handle this. I don’t want anybody see me like this. Do you know what a media circus this would create? Besides, I have to be in Richmond for the debate with Jim Webb. I’ll take care of this myself.[Sen. Allen shuts himself in the bathroom for twenty minutes. When he emerges he looks as he usually does, clean shaven with square-cut sideburns. Mrs. Allen still looks concerned.]
MRS. ALLEN: I really think you should skip the debate and see a doctor.
SEN. ALLEN: No, I’m okay now. Everything is normal. I’m fine. I’ll see you tonight after the debate. Please, for god’s sake, don’t mention this to anyone.
MRS. ALLEN: Alright, if that’s what you want.
SCENE 3:[It’s twenty minutes before the televised debate in Richmond. Present in Sen. Allen’s dressing room back stage are Sen. Allen, his campaign manager, Dick Wadhams, and several other staffers. ]
WADHAMS: Remember, Senator, to associate Webb whenever possible with the liberal elites and entertainment industry in New York and Hollywood that want to “stick their big noses” in Virginia’s business. People will pick up on the code. That stuff tested really well down in Danville and in the Tidewater region.
SEN. ALLEN: (distractedly) … right, big noses…
WADHAMS: Are you okay, Senator? You seem a little… unfocused.
SEN. ALLEN: I’m just a little light-headed. I guess I could use something to eat.
WADHAMS: What can I get you?
SEN. ALLEN: Do you have maybe a piece of gefilte fish or a bagel?
WADHAMS: I’m sorry, Senator, did you say you wanted some kind of fish?
SEN. ALLEN: Um, no, no, can I get a ham sandwich or some fried pork rinds or something?
WADHAMS: Oh… no problem, I’ll have an intern run out and get that for you.
SEN. ALLEN: … and maybe a glass of seltzer or a Dr. Browns…
WADHAMS: … I’m sorry, a doctor what… ?
SEN. ALLEN: What did I just say? I meant a Diet Coke.
SCENE 4:[The televised debate. In front of a an audience of two thousand, Jim Webb is concluding his opening statement.]
WEBB: … and that’s why we need new leadership in Washington that will hold the president accountable when he grossly violates the Constitution. Senator Allen and the rest of the Republican majority simply haven’t provided proper oversight. If elected, I will.
MODERATOR: Thank you, Secretary Webb. Senator Allen, you have two minutes for your opening statement.
SEN. ALLEN: Thank you. Good evening, ladies and gentleman. This election offers a stark contrast between the values of the real America here in Virginia and those of the liberal elites in New York and Hollywood. I share your respect for the traditional values of heterosexual marriage, hard work, the Pledge of Allegiance, and the Ten Commandments. In contrast, my opponent, Jim Webb, has spent much of this campaign out in Hollywood raising money from Hollywood producers. These Hollywood producers want to stick their big noses… you see, they all have big noses, except the ones who get them fixed… and those beards… and… and…[The room is silent for several seconds.]
SEN. ALLEN: I’m sorry. I can’t do this. You see, I came here tonight to get you to vote against Jim Webb because he took money from a bunch of Jews out in Hollywood. I realize now that it’s a pretty silly way to run a country. I came to this realization because this morning… I found out I’m one of them. And now that I know, it’s changed my thinking. I find it ludicrous and inappropriate to run the kind of xenophobic, anti-intellectual, and anti-elite campaign that I was planning to run. Quite frankly, it’s the kind of scapegoating that’s been used against my people since the beginning of time. And I’m tired of eating pork rinds just to make you think I’m one of you. I had some just before I came out here and it’s really giving me schpilkis. What is this unending human obsession with assimilation? I have to eat like you, look like you, talk like you and pray like you or you won’t vote for me? Well, screw that. Because if you don’t realize that I am like you simply because we’re both human beings, then I feel sorry for you. Anyway, bi gezunt, and God bless America.[With apologies to the great Melvin Van Peebles.] Powered by Sidelines