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Satire: Matzohball Man

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[Senator George Allen (R-VA) is playing in his weekly poker game. Also present are Senator Conrad Burns (R-MT), Senator Sam Brownback (R-KS), Senator Ted Stevens (R-AK), Senator Jim Bunning (R-KY), and Senator Tom Coburn (R-OK).]

SEN. BROWNBACK: So what’re you going to do George? You gonna run?

SEN. ALLEN: Damn right I’m gonna run. This “macaca” thing is bullshit. It’s a media creation that’ll blow over. I don’t even know what “macaca” means. I thought it was the guy’s name. That’s what my staffers were calling him. Jesus, it’s not like I called him “dot head.” Then I could see it. I’d never do that in public. Plain and simple, they are out to get me.

SEN. BUNNING: Oh I heard this great Indian joke. What do you call a 7-11 with…

SEN. STEVENS: You told that one five minutes ago, Jim …


SEN. STEVENS: Who’s out to get you, the media?

SEN. ALLEN: Well it starts with the media. Most of them are liberal Jews from New York… at least the ones who control everything including Hollywood. They hate the real America and American values. They despise southern Christians most of all. They see me as the embodiment and defender of those things and they want to turn the country into a secular humanist playground where God is banned from the public schools and gay marriage is legal. And most of all they want to open up the borders and let in the entire third world.

SEN. BURNS: We had this little Jewish fellah in my platoon during the war…

SEN BROWNBACK: I agree with you, George. Just let this thing blow over, you’ve still got plenty of support within the party.

SEN. ALLEN: Thanks, Sam. I know I can count on you guys.


[The master bedroom at the Allen house. Present are Sen. and Mrs. George Allen.
The two are in their pajamas, lying in bed, and reading.]

MRS. ALLEN: So how was your card game?

SEN. ALLEN: I won twenty bucks. By the way, I think Jim Bunning may have Alzheimers.

MRS. ALLEN: Well, I’m glad you won. Sorry about Jim. You seem a little down. Is it the whole “macaca” thing?

SEN. ALLEN: It’s just so unfair.

MRS. ALLEN: Do you want to talk about it?

SEN. ALLEN: Not really. What I want to do is win so I can shove it down their throats. The media, the liberal elites, the gays… When I was in college we used to beat the shit out of guys like that…

MRS. ALLEN: You should probably get some sleep.

SEN. ALLEN: You’re right. Goodnight, dear.

[They kiss goodnight and Mrs. Allen turns out the lights. Several hours pass. The next morning, the sun is up. Mrs. Allen rolls over toward her husband and opens her eyes. Suddenly her eyes become wide, she jumps out of bed, and screams.]

MRS. ALLEN: George! There’s a man in the bed! There’s a man in the bed! Arghh!!!

SEN. ALLEN; (groggily) Wha? What? Where? What are you talking about?

MRS. ALLEN: (looking confused) Is that you, George?

SEN. ALLEN: What do you mean, of course, it’s me. Are you feeling okay?

MRS. ALLEN: I’m okay, but you need to look in the mirror, George. You look… different. I didn’t even recognize you.

SEN. ALLEN: What are you talking about?

[Sen. Allen gets out of bed and walks quickly to the bathroom mirror. In the mirror he sees that he has a full beard and pais, the curly full-length side burns typically found only on orthodox Jewish men.]

SEN. ALLEN; What the hell? Can this happen overnight?

MRS. ALLEN: I don’t know, dear. Maybe you should see a doctor?

SEN. ALLEN: No… no… I can handle this. I don’t want anybody see me like this. Do you know what a media circus this would create? Besides, I have to be in Richmond for the debate with Jim Webb. I’ll take care of this myself.

[Sen. Allen shuts himself in the bathroom for twenty minutes. When he emerges he looks as he usually does, clean shaven with square-cut sideburns. Mrs. Allen still looks concerned.]

MRS. ALLEN: I really think you should skip the debate and see a doctor.

SEN. ALLEN: No, I’m okay now. Everything is normal. I’m fine. I’ll see you tonight after the debate. Please, for god’s sake, don’t mention this to anyone.

MRS. ALLEN: Alright, if that’s what you want.


[It’s twenty minutes before the televised debate in Richmond. Present in Sen. Allen’s dressing room back stage are Sen. Allen, his campaign manager, Dick Wadhams, and several other staffers. ]

WADHAMS: Remember, Senator, to associate Webb whenever possible with the liberal elites and entertainment industry in New York and Hollywood that want to “stick their big noses” in Virginia’s business. People will pick up on the code. That stuff tested really well down in Danville and in the Tidewater region.

SEN. ALLEN: (distractedly) … right, big noses…

WADHAMS: Are you okay, Senator? You seem a little… unfocused.

SEN. ALLEN: I’m just a little light-headed. I guess I could use something to eat.

WADHAMS: What can I get you?

SEN. ALLEN: Do you have maybe a piece of gefilte fish or a bagel?

WADHAMS: I’m sorry, Senator, did you say you wanted some kind of fish?

SEN. ALLEN: Um, no, no, can I get a ham sandwich or some fried pork rinds or something?

WADHAMS: Oh… no problem, I’ll have an intern run out and get that for you.

SEN. ALLEN: … and maybe a glass of seltzer or a Dr. Browns…

WADHAMS: … I’m sorry, a doctor what… ?

SEN. ALLEN: What did I just say? I meant a Diet Coke.


[The televised debate. In front of a an audience of two thousand, Jim Webb is concluding his opening statement.]

WEBB: … and that’s why we need new leadership in Washington that will hold the president accountable when he grossly violates the Constitution. Senator Allen and the rest of the Republican majority simply haven’t provided proper oversight. If elected, I will.

MODERATOR: Thank you, Secretary Webb. Senator Allen, you have two minutes for your opening statement.

SEN. ALLEN: Thank you. Good evening, ladies and gentleman. This election offers a stark contrast between the values of the real America here in Virginia and those of the liberal elites in New York and Hollywood. I share your respect for the traditional values of heterosexual marriage, hard work, the Pledge of Allegiance, and the Ten Commandments. In contrast, my opponent, Jim Webb, has spent much of this campaign out in Hollywood raising money from Hollywood producers. These Hollywood producers want to stick their big noses… you see, they all have big noses, except the ones who get them fixed… and those beards… and… and…

[The room is silent for several seconds.]

SEN. ALLEN: I’m sorry. I can’t do this. You see, I came here tonight to get you to vote against Jim Webb because he took money from a bunch of Jews out in Hollywood. I realize now that it’s a pretty silly way to run a country. I came to this realization because this morning… I found out I’m one of them. And now that I know, it’s changed my thinking. I find it ludicrous and inappropriate to run the kind of xenophobic, anti-intellectual, and anti-elite campaign that I was planning to run. Quite frankly, it’s the kind of scapegoating that’s been used against my people since the beginning of time. And I’m tired of eating pork rinds just to make you think I’m one of you. I had some just before I came out here and it’s really giving me schpilkis. What is this unending human obsession with assimilation? I have to eat like you, look like you, talk like you and pray like you or you won’t vote for me? Well, screw that. Because if you don’t realize that I am like you simply because we’re both human beings, then I feel sorry for you. Anyway, bi gezunt, and God bless America.

[With apologies to the great Melvin Van Peebles.]
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About The Fifth Dentist

  • Avrum Lefkowitz

    I loved the first couple of parts, very funny. The last part was required, and well written, but a little more schtick would have been fun, too.

  • Thanks Avrum.

  • Great job, entertaining and insightful. Unfortunately, George Allen has never shown the slightest interest in honest, enlightened self-awareness. He has always seemed to relish being a cunning, opinionated, domineering and mean-spirited tough guy.

  • Ruvy in Jerusalem

    I wanted to like this, Fifth Dentist. It’s well written, funny and gets its point across, though more shtick could have been used at the end, as Avrum pointed out.

    But I didn’t, and I really can’t explain why. Particularly because I do not have either a beard or payess, and would not be caught with either.

    I’m sorry.

  • Ruvy–
    Sorry you didn’t like it. They can’t all be winners.

    Anyway, in my opinion George Allen really points out the backwardassedness of halacha. That guy is about as jewish as a ham sandwich on wonderbread with mayo, lettuce and tomato. Surely he’d do anything he could to cover up or undo his mother’s jewish ancestry. (And she’s from one of the most illustrious nazi-fighting sephardic families there is. They should be ashamed to know him.) Yet the orthordox recognize this prick as a jew while they deny jewishness both to someone with a jewish father who was raised as a jew or someone having undergone a conservative or reform conversion. It’s unbelievable to me. Now, I’m sure you’d defend it on the grounds that that’s what the torah says. But it doesn’t change my opinion that it’s ridiculous.

  • Ruvy in Jerusalem

    Fifth Dentist,

    Don’t assume that I would defend what all orthodox rabbis say or do. One of my friends, a descendant of Spanish kings, converted to Judaism through the conservative movement. He is much more learned than I am, and I have no compunction at all about asking him questions about Halacha. I wanted him to have an “aliyah” (to be called up to bless the Torah) at one of my son’s bar mitzvah. He backed out, so as not to embarrass the orthodox synagogue where my son chanted the Haftarah. But on his ID, it says “Jew” under nationality. The state recognizes him even if a lot of rabbis won’t. And I will not question his Judaism either.

    My opinion is this: if the man is practicing the faith, and is learning the law, and continues to do both, it is of little relevance whether his conversion was through a reform rabbi or a conservative one. Some day I believe that this view will be the dominant one here – when Jews finally stop looking at the “pedigree of the degree” and look at what the person is.

  • Ruvy–
    I agree with your view 100%.

  • Congrats on BlogCritic of the day!

    On our private forum Anna asked what happened to dentists 1 through 4

    I took the liberty of replying that rumor has it they went on a hunting trip with the vice president…


  • I didn’t have the heart to tell her it was, as opposed to the quart dentist or the gallon dentist…….

  • That’s funny. Does anyone know how they pick the BCotD. My impression was it’s random. Anyway, do I get some kind of cash award?

  • Observer

    Wow – you really scored here. It’s a pig’s-wallow of hatred, bigotry, prejudice and, needless to say, closed-minded, parochial, gross ignorance.

    First I figured this was just a post by and for anti-Christian bigots. Then I read the comments – surprise! It’s a bunch of assimilated Jews whose apparent core identity is defined in equal measure by their fear and loathing of committed Jews and Christians. True equal opportunity haters. (I’m so relieved to see the policy against personal attacks – it’s really kept the previous discourse at an elevated level.)

    No wonder you’re all disappearing. What positive message are you offering your kids about Judaism, G-d, humanity or religion?

    Doesn’t really matter, face the facts – your grandchildren are going to be one or the other – an Orthodox Jew or a Christian.

    Oh, in case the G-d thing wasn’t enough of a clue: I am one of those benighted cavemen you revile so much, you know, an Orthodox Jew.

    But at least I’m not a dinosaur like you guys.