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Satire: Man Made Global Warming, Like The Existence Of God, Is A Proven Scientific Fact — Jesus Demands That We Believe

According to an Associated Press Science writer,

When Bill Clinton took office in 1993, global warming was a slow-moving environmental problem that was easy to ignore. Now it is a ticking time bomb that President-elect Barack Obama can't avoid.

Since Clinton's inauguration, summer Arctic sea ice has lost the equivalent of Alaska, California and Texas. The 10 hottest years on record have occurred since Clinton's second inauguration. Global warming is accelerating. Time is close to running out, and Obama knows it.

"The time for delay is over; the time for denial is over," [President Elect Obama] said . . .[on 14 December] after meeting with former Vice President Al Gore, who won a Nobel Peace Prize for his work on global warming. "We all believe what the scientists have been telling us for years now that this is a matter of urgency and national security and it has to be dealt with in a serious way."

I reject the notion, conceivably implicit in the article, that it is all former President Clinton's fault. His carbon dioxide and methane emissions were, on a global scale, minuscule. The Post hoc ergo propter hoc fallacy leads only to muddled analysis; indeed, nothing former President Clinton may have done in the Oval Office could have contributed even slightly to the present horrific Global Warming mess. We must all share the blame, and behave accordingly. If no action is taken promptly, not only the Earth is damned; even innocent Mars may be seriously at risk; so may be all of the other planets in our solar system; yea, perhaps even the entire Universe. Issue must be taken, respectfully, with President Elect Obama's assertion that

Because the truth is that promoting science isn't just about providing resources — it's about protecting free and open inquiry. It's about ensuring that facts and evidence are never twisted or obscured by politics or ideology.

While doubtless well meaning, MMGW (Man Made Global Warming, not the far less threatening Murdering Muddler George W.) is too important for reflection and delay. Fortunately, President Elect Obama's new science advisers are on the ball.

Colleagues say the post is well-suited for Holdren, who at Harvard went from battling the spread of nuclear weapons to tackling the threat of global warming. He's an award-laden scientist comfortable in many different fields.

We can only hope that Mr. Holden is as successful in combating the threat of MMGW as has been the case in combating the threat of nuclear proliferation; MMGW is far more threatening.

Since as President Elect Obama says, "we all believe" in Real Science and in MMGW and therefore believe that "the time for delay is over; the time for denial is over," it is plainly obvious that we must all accept without question the thoughtfully considered position of former Vice President Gore: the present calamitous situation is "the equivalent of a five-alarm fire that has to be addressed immediately." Those who are skeptical of MMWG, all of whom wear tin foil hats and are wickedly misinformed, should chill out, sit down and shut up. Right Now. Not only that, they should confess their sins, promise to sin no more and do penance. We must save the world, now! Undeniably, later will be too late.

We must not consider, even for a moment, what the pernicious debunkers claim. They are ideologically impaired and not even one of them is a Real Scientist. The Truth is not in them. And, obviously, we must not consider anything reported by Faux News:

Scientists skeptical of the assertion that climate change is the result of man's activities are criticizing a recent Associated Press report [linked above] on global warming, calling it "irrational hysteria," "horrifically bad" and "incredibly biased."

About Dan Miller

  • http://blogcritics.org/writer/dan_miller Dan(Miller)

    Doc,

    If you are flying out of San Francisco, you may want to buy some certified carbon offsets. They are available at the airport. Do hurry, the supply is limited.

    Dan(Miller)

  • http://ex-conservative.blogspot.com Glenn Contrarian

    Doc -

    Ditto to you, and have a safe flight!

  • http://drdreadful.blogspot.com Dr Dreadful

    Dan,

    Alas, on this occasion I used money offsets* to purchase a ticket on what under normal circumstances is a prohibitively expensive flight out of my local airport. SFO is, however, my airport of choice for international travel and I would be interested in such a purchase: not because of carbon offsets (the plane is going to fly and pollute with or without me) but because the projects being funded seem to be very worthwhile in themselves.

    * Credit card reward points.

  • Clavos

    Merry Christmas all!! (I will NOT use “Happy Holidays!”)

    Stan, where Christmas comes first in all the world, I hope you and yours have the best one yet!

    Dan, Cindy, Ruvy, Jet, Dave, Chris, Bar1 and Bar2, :>), Doc, zing, Mark E, Glenn, Condor, Cannon, and all the names I may have left out:

    MERRY CHRISTMAS!!!

  • Cindy D

    Wishing Clav a Merry Christmas in politically incorrect colors! Woohoo!

  • STM

    Thanks for all your wishes, yankee/pommy dudes.

    It’s mayhem here … it’s 8am Christmas morning in sunny Oz. Not too hot outside yet. Hoping it stays that way. Woken at 6.15 by the garbage men collecting the Christmas Eve rubbish, followed by my daughter, and then the dog. Wife getting over fairly extensive Corona hangover :)

    Santa’s been, presents opened. My daughter has half the local shopping mall piled up on the couch.

    Me: I got the COMPLETE set of Aubrey/Maturin novels in hardcover, by Patrick O’Brian. Yes! Plus Dexter seasons 1 and 2, which I’ve seen but could watch again any time.

    Also, nice new boardshorts from my son (21) who went out and spent all his own money for the first time on other people.

    Dog got a packet of Schmacko’s dog chews, and is on the second one already.

    Going out for seafood lunch on the harbour at midday.

    Hopefully my wife will have recovered by then, or it won’t be pretty.

    Hey guys …. have a great one!

  • Mark Eden

    Merry Christmas and happy Hanukkah. Peace to all you folks.

  • http://blogcritics.org/writer/dan_miller Dan(Miller)

    Once upon a time, long ago and on a different thread, I (or maybe it was someone else) suggested that human blubber from liposuction procedures be considered as an alternative fuel source. And all praise be to Mani, it happened.

    Liposuctioning unwanted blubber out of pampered Los Angelenos may not seem like a dream job, but it has its perks. Free fuel is one of them.

    For a time, Beverly Hills doctor Craig Alan Bittner turned the fat he removed from patients into biodiesel that fueled his Ford SUV and his girlfriend’s Lincoln Navigator.

    Unfortunately, this is illegal in California

    Bittner is being investigated by the state’s public health department.

    Although it’s unclear when Bittner started and stopped making fat fuel or how he made it, his activities came to light after recent lawsuits filed by patients that allege he allowed his assistant and his girlfriend to perform surgeries without a medical license.

    Excessive regulation will be the downfall of all progress.

    Dan(Miller)

  • Cindy D

    [Merry Christmas] and PEACE to Mark Eden!

    Mark,

    I’ve started a list of occupations and solidarity responses on my blog. If you find any more in your travels would you let me know? My e-mail is there.

  • Mark Eden

    Absolutely can do!

  • Cindy D

    Dave,

    I couldn’t get everyone here a Christmas present. So, I only got one for you. Here is:

    The Milton Friedman Choir

    singing

    The Corporation

    (It sounds very Christmassy too!)

    I transcribed the words so you can sing along if you like Dave!

    Milton Friedman on corporations says,
    Corporations have no social duty,
    Except to those who own their stock,
    The corporation really has no choice.

    Milton Friedman on corporations says,
    Corporations are amoral,
    Corporate conscience is impossible,
    The corporation really has no choice.

    So for those who want corporations virtuous,
    It’s not possible. That is unless,
    It makes some cash for the shareholders,
    The corporation really has no choice.

    So if you want your freedom,
    Let the corporation seize the day,
    There really is no better way,
    Let’s privatize, choice is the way,
    Let corporations run the schools,
    Let the free market make the rules
    Choose to privatize, I say.

    From kindergarten to senior high school,
    Today the parents have no choice,
    But in the future, they will choose their schools,
    Competition will make all the rules.

    So if you want your freedom,
    It’s a corporate world today,
    There really is no better way,
    Let’s privatize I always say,
    Let corporations run our schools,
    Let’s use free markets as our tool,
    Privatize I always say.

    From student to client to customer,
    Let’s get this school stuff straight,
    Let markets rule us, state’s should not school us,
    Now we’re free to choose.

    We’ll retrain our teachers and purchase our players,
    For business is business and school is school,
    And freedom to choose says Friedman,
    Or you will lose says Friedman.

    Freedom is freedom says Friedman!

    MERRY CHRISTMAS DAVE!

  • http://drdreadful.blogspot.com Dr Dreadful

    Dan,

    It boggles the mind that the legislature here in California still can’t agree the State budget for 2008, but can somehow find time to pass legislation on the off-chance that someone might seek to power their car on human off-cuts.

    What a world, what a world…

  • http://drdreadful.blogspot.com Dr Dreadful

    Stan: I got the COMPLETE set of Aubrey/Maturin novels in hardcover, by Patrick O’Brian

    Ooh, you lucky Aussie bastard you. Which it’s on my list as well. ;-) Here’s hoping…

  • http://www.fontcraft.com/rod/ Dave Nalle

    Thanks, Cindy. Excellent Christmas libertarianism.

    You ought to write up this story about the teenager murdered in Greece and the reaction for BC, btw.

    Dave

  • Cindy D

    Okay Dave. I will do that. It’s going to be a lot easier than the million part article on Capitalism I’m wrestling with.

  • Condor

    “Too bad also it didn’t include Kennedy and Johnson, for their “democratization” of Vietnam.”
    Clavos

    Thanks Clavos, and may I point out that “ask not what your country can do for you, ask what you can for your country” actually turned out to mean that JFK was going start up a war, hence drafting the American youth, hence sending them to a war zone so a bunch of them could join him at Arlington National. With LBJ’s help of course.

  • Clavos

    I know, Condor. I was one of them…