Montpellier, Vermont – Disassociated Press
By Moon Zuppa
Meet Allison Jones. Ms. Jones is the latest trendy idealist the flimsy media has flocked to. With Iran freakishly preparing to build a nuclear bomb, Allison decided to take foreign policy into her own firm hands.
“I just want to tell them that they don’t need to make nu, nukl, um bad weapons. They can just bake weaponized muffins. I have blueberry, blackberry, black currant, mango…” Ms. Jones said, yakking away.
“She’s a mature 12-year old. She’s always had a keen sense of purpose,” Allison’s skankish looking mother told Moon Zuppa. “Once, when she was 11, she wanted to make dynamite made out of confetti for suicide bombers.” Mrs. Jones was asked if her daughter was a dreaming moron, to which she answered, “If we can’t allow our kids to dream, what’s left? Nightmares?”
The Jones team intends to take their peace mission to Iran where the maniacal, religious authorities will be welcoming her in a pompous and decadent ceremony usually reserved for dysfunctional British Royalty. “It’s been a tough 20-odd years for us. No one visits us. When this infidel called, we jumped at it. Thank you. Er, wait. Death to the Great Satan! Thank you,” a spokesperson for the Iranian embassy giddily explained through a Danish translator.
Still, many clueless insiders and experts want to know the exact purpose of this trip. “I want to tell Ir-an that if they want to be crazy and start wars, they don’t need to make weapons that can kill the rest of us who really don’t care about Iran. So we are proposing an alternative way to build weapons of minor-scale but delicious fiber destruction.”
For their part, the State Department seemed unaware of Allison’s diplomatic coup d’etat. “Huh? Wha? Who?” an attaché for the President responded. “Damn, intelligence is failing us again! We blame Howard Dean. That’s all we have.”
We gave the last word to Ms. Jones and asked her what she will be doing in Iran. “I want to ask them why named the county Iran and not I-run. Get it?”
Ah, we will not forget that giggle, Allison. Go get ‘em!