There was a bizarre slogan bantered about in the late ’60s, if memory serves me right, which it rarely does. “Kill a Commie for Christ” was all the rage among the anti-anti-Vietnam War protest crowd. Them true blue Christian Americans were tired of the endless media coverage garnered by the apparently true red Commie Americans who objected to our involvement in that tiny country in southeast Asia, and they wanted other true bluers to know that they weren’t alone.
A somewhat bizarre slogan for the sophisticated 20th century, “Kill a Commie for Christ.” Sure, the concept of killing bad guys in the name of their Lord was fine during the Crusades, but those were such barbaric times compared to ours. Each infidel killed got you one extra virgin and a free pass to heaven, or do I have my religions confused?
It did get a little strange in 1492 when Spain launched its vicious Inquisition, apparently in honor of Christopher Columbus discovering what he thought was India, the goal of which was to kill (or convert) a Jew for Christ. Every dead Jew got you one extra virgin… no, I’m sure I’m wrong about that. Anyway, guess they forgot that Christ was Jewish; some even claim He was a rabbi.
Imagine the Lord in heaven looking down on his creation, wondering what the hell happened that so many people were killing so many others in His name. Infallibility absolves him of all blame. That damn Adam and Eve, believing a snake of all creatures and taking a bite of the apple. Obviously, that’s where things started going wrong.
However, in the spirit of the season, with all its real and concocted holidays, and in honor of the fact that America’s true stature as a Christian nation has been affirmed with the election of Barack Hussein Obama as president-elect, let us turn our thoughts away from how we can harm our neighbors and towards how we can embrace them… in the spirit of the holidays, not to extend past January 1, 2009 when all guarantees become null and void.
Therefore, let us embrace a new slogan: “Kiss a Commie for Christ,” “commie” being shorthand for anyone not quite like us.
Imagine the implications. Homophobes kissing gay couples; pro-lifers kissing abortion doctors; border protection vigilantes kissing illegal immigrants; liberals kissing conservatives… and vice versa; Obama kissing Hillary (oh, wait, that’s already been done); coal company executives kissing babies deformed by weird stuff in their mothers’ breast milk; Christians, Jews, Muslims, Buddhists, Jainists, and Lithuanians all engaged in multiple kissing episodes; and… well, the list is endless. No doubt, you can come up with your own — in the spirit of the holidays, of course.
So pucker up, America. It’s time to embrace Christ’s true message — love thy neighbor.
In Jameson Veritas