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Satire: Kiss A Commie For Christ

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There was a bizarre slogan bantered about in the late ’60s, if memory serves me right, which it rarely does. “Kill a Commie for Christ” was all the rage among the anti-anti-Vietnam War protest crowd. Them true blue Christian Americans were tired of the endless media coverage garnered by the apparently true red Commie Americans who objected to our involvement in that tiny country in southeast Asia, and they wanted other true bluers to know that they weren’t alone.

A somewhat bizarre slogan for the sophisticated 20th century, “Kill a Commie for Christ.” Sure, the concept of killing bad guys in the name of their Lord was fine during the Crusades, but those were such barbaric times compared to ours. Each infidel killed got you one extra virgin and a free pass to heaven, or do I have my religions confused?

It did get a little strange in 1492 when Spain launched its vicious Inquisition, apparently in honor of Christopher Columbus discovering what he thought was India, the goal of which was to kill (or convert) a Jew for Christ. Every dead Jew got you one extra virgin… no, I’m sure I’m wrong about that. Anyway, guess they forgot that Christ was Jewish; some even claim He was a rabbi.

Imagine the Lord in heaven looking down on his creation, wondering what the hell happened that so many people were killing so many others in His name. Infallibility absolves him of all blame. That damn Adam and Eve, believing a snake of all creatures and taking a bite of the apple. Obviously, that’s where things started going wrong.

However, in the spirit of the season, with all its real and concocted holidays, and in honor of the fact that America’s true stature as a Christian nation has been affirmed with the election of Barack Hussein Obama as president-elect, let us turn our thoughts away from how we can harm our neighbors and towards how we can embrace them… in the spirit of the holidays, not to extend past January 1, 2009 when all guarantees become null and void.

Therefore, let us embrace a new slogan: “Kiss a Commie for Christ,” “commie” being shorthand for anyone not quite like us.

Imagine the implications. Homophobes kissing gay couples; pro-lifers kissing abortion doctors; border protection vigilantes kissing illegal immigrants; liberals kissing conservatives… and vice versa; Obama kissing Hillary (oh, wait, that’s already been done); coal company executives kissing babies deformed by weird stuff in their mothers’ breast milk; Christians, Jews, Muslims, Buddhists, Jainists, and Lithuanians all engaged in multiple kissing episodes; and… well, the list is endless. No doubt, you can come up with your own — in the spirit of the holidays, of course.

So pucker up, America. It’s time to embrace Christ’s true message — love thy neighbor.

In Jameson Veritas

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About Mark Schannon

Retired crisis & risk manager/communications expert; extensive public relations experience in most areas over 30 years. Still available for extraordinary opportunities of mind-numbing complexity. Life-long liberal agnostic...or is that agnostic liberal.
  • Lee Richards

    Didn’t work for Judas!

  • Oh my word, how in the devil did you discover that the Varicella-Zosters were behind this? I warn you, letting me know you’re on to them is one thing, but I wouldn’t make it public. Your life wouldn’t be worth a sou, or a fig, or a…whatever.

    (Between us, so I don’t look foolish, what the fuck is a Varicella-Zoster?)

    In Jameson Veritas

  • Mark Eden

    This is all a conspiracy perpetrated by the Varicella-Zosters and their backers.


  • Harumph…i hereby declare my love for elephants, all parts of them.

    As for the guy in blue, he’s about to kiss one, so what’s the problem, eh?

    And you’re in trouble. Any, I mean, any Jewish blood can be dangerous…just as Ruvy, LOL. Dye your hair, get a nose job, and deny your lineage. It’s your only hope.

    In Jameson Veritas

  • Mark, if (a) one should kiss one’s adversaries and (b) there is no part of an elephant’s anatomy which you would kiss under any circumstances, then (c) you should immediately declare your unconditional and undying love for all elephants, which lets you off the hook. There is therefore no need to (d) play the Jewish card.

    I still don’t see what the chap in blue has got against seals though.

    And yes, I have embraced weirdness and am also possibly 1/128th Jewish (although all I have to go on with regard to this hypothesis is the fact that all the Dreadfuls have big noses and that my Dad had black hair and was circumcised).

  • You wish, LOL.

    Or is it because, if it’s libertarian, you need not kiss it to obey the “Kiss A Commie” commandment?

    Enquirering minds want to know…

  • I hear that elephants have large, barbed penises which are decidedly Libertarian.


  • But Dave, despite Dr. D’s extraordinary knowledge of elephant ideology, the whole point is that one should kiss one’s adversaries, although in this case, there are many parts of an elephant I wouldn’t kiss under any circumstances.

    But then again, I’m Jewish, so this whole essay doesn’t apply to me…phew.

    (Dr. D., you know you’re weird, right? It’s something I deeply respect, but you need to acknowledge & embrace it.)

  • No, just the lower portions of their gastrointestinal tracts.

    Elephants’ stomachs and large intestines are usually liberal, while their esophaguses and small intestines tend towards the conservative. The gall bladder and bile duct of the elephant are generally not politically active. Their appendixes, however, have occasionally been known to support absolute monarchy as their preferred system of government.

  • elephants are communist now?


  • I leave it to your imagination…which I must say is quite fertile. “Prolapsed rectum of an elephant?” Wouldn’t have thought of that if given 1000 guesses.

    But say it was. What a wonderful commitment to my call for kissing of a commie for Christ. God would be so happy…and isn’t that special.

    In Jameson Veritas

  • The photo is rather small, but I’m hoping fervently that what the gentleman in the blue sweater is kissing is a seal and not the prolapsed rectum of an elephant.