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Satire: John Bambenek Announces his Candidacy for President of the United States for 2020

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CHAMPAIGN, IL (BC) – BC Magazine editor and columnist John Bambenek announced today his candidacy for President of the United States in 2020 from his home in Champaign, Illinois. Bambenek said he will embrace a new kind of politics after the bitter partisanship that is likely to reign after the next three presidential terms.

Bambenek is most known for his brief appearance on the Daily Show in a segment called Aclockaplyse Now on the change in Daylight Savings Time. He is hoping to capitalize on early media appearances and his blog, Part-Time Pundit, to help catapult his campaign.

“It is time Americans come together to put behind us the politics of personal destruction and to build a better future for our children”, said Bambenek in announcing his candidacy. “We know no matter who is the President for the next three terms; their administration will be mired with corruption, cronyism, and partisan politics.”

While criticized for announcing his candidacy for an election that is over 13 years away, Bambenek said one can never start campaign too early as campaigns in recent years have already started before the last term of the current President even started. Bambenek points to Senator Barack Obama who started campaigning for President for the 2008 election in 2002 before even being elected to the Senate.

Bambenek pledged to bring a fresh face and ideas to the White House after what will likely be 12 years of political darkness where voters are shut out of the decision-making process. The current candidates for the 2008 election are focused on their disagreements with President George W. Bush. Campaigning this far out allows voters to focus on the big picture, according to Bambenek.

Bambenek, a staunch paleoconservative, has found unlikely support in the form of Illinois House Speaker Michael Madigan, a Democrat, who has introduced legislation to move the 2020 primary election forward to be held simultaneously with the 2008 general election. Currently the states of Iowa, Nevada, New Hampshire and South Carolina hold primaries early in 2020.

“These states are… clearly not as representative of America as Illinois would be,” Madigan said believing that a primary 12 years before the general election would allow voters to get behind one candidate and focus on the issues.

Illinois Senate President Emil Jones, also a Democrat, said he would endorse such legislation since it does help an Illinois resident get out ahead in the long campaign for the Presidency.

However, Bambenek’s campaign is not without its controversy already. C-list blogger, Archpundit has come out to declare that Bambenek’s campaign is really a Trojan horse for the Intelligent Design movement, despite a lack of any evidence to indicate that. Wikipedia founder Jim Wales would not comment on the Bambenek campaign saying, “Wikipedia has a thorough censoring policy on John Bambenek.”

Bambenek said he is beyond the childish personal attacks that characterize the campaign trail and is looking forward to the long campaign and discussing issues with voters.

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About John Bambenek

John Bambenek is a political activist and computer security expert. He has his own company Bambenek Consulting in Champaign, IL that specializes in digital forensics and computer security investigations.
  • Zedd

    I was ready to vote for you until the paleoconservative thing.

    This means that you don’t’ support affirmative action. Booooh Hisssss. Its a sign of impracticality. Boooooh Hisssssss. Whats so different with you and the current dummies. The world “ought to be like this and we are not going to face why its not that way. We are just going to kick and scream that its not the way it ougt to be like”. No one SHOULD get in by qoutas. Lets not think. Lets just say what we wish whether its practical or not.

    Boooooh Bombeneck!!!!. Hisssssssss!!

    Even though you are really funny.

  • Dave Nalle

    Affirmative action is a tool of the white elite to keep the black man/woman dependent and servile. Why would you support it?


  • John Bambenek

    Let it be known that I pledge to nominate Gonzo Marx as my Secretary of Offense should I be elected.

  • Zedd


    You know better than that. Try that with someone else.

    You keep making statements which suggest that you think that Blacks cant think for themselves.

    You need to know that Whites would NOT hire Blacks initially without Affirmative Action. I know it seems really odd to you but this is what our world is like. It just is. Now that we have been in corporate America for several decades the challenges are diminishing for us as we have proven ourselves to be capable or not capable depending on the individual, like everyone else. However, we still don’t get hired quickly and we are fired first.

    However White males who assume their innate superiority in, well everything always feel as if they are loosing jobs to Blacks who are OFF COURSE less qualified then they even though they are over represented in the corporate arena. That is the only negative. Whites whine about it. Comparing the whining to feeding your family and earning close to your worth in education and experience, who would care about a bunch of spoiled, presumptuous people who don’t know you.

  • Zedd


    Since you are including Marx on the ticket, I have to change my mind. Forget feeding my family.

    You’ve got my vote.

  • Michael J. West

    You’re a staunch paleoconservative?

    Seriously? Or is that part of the satire?

  • MCH


    Before you run for president, you best clear up your cloudy military record (ie, “I’ve never seen my discharge papers”).

    At least ol’ GW was able to somehow “obtain” an honorable discharge, in spite of deserting his last two years of service.

  • John Bambenek


    Hey jackass… I haven’t seen my discharge papers because I haven’t been discharged. Feel free to ask the DoD for records if you don’t believe me.

  • John Bambenek


    What exactly did you think my politics were?

  • zingzing

    wow. paleoconservatives look repugnant. i used to think your politics sucked, but now they look kind of dangerous and stupid.

  • Michael J. West

    Well, I knew you were a righty, John, but thought you were more pro-war than the paleos.

  • John Bambenek


    Not really pro-war… I just don’t really buy into the anti-war rhetoric though… Iraq War II was made inevitable by a sanctions regime designed to fail. I was rather disinterested in the WMD debate when it was going on, we set things up to have to go back in 14 years ago and that was a stupid decision.

  • Michael J. West

    But certainly the paleoconservatives, like Pat Buchanan, have provided some of the most impassioned antiwar rhetoric…

  • Baronius

    It’s funny how one word in this article inspired such a tangent. I love the 2020 idea, although by my calculations, we’ll be in the middle of a Jeb presidency. (My current theory is that we’ll be switching between Clintons and Bushes for the next hundred years.)

  • Michael J. West

    It ain’t a bad theory, Baronius, but my money is on Obama next November.

  • MCH

    “Hey jackass… I haven’t seen my discharge papers because I haven’t been discharged.”
    – Bambi

    Let me get this straight: You’re not serving active duty and you’re not attending meettings, but you haven’t been discharged yet.

    Nothin’ fishy about that…jackass.

  • John Bambenek

    Never said I was active duty either.

    Keep pushing me… I’d be doing the site a favor pushing to have another bomb throwing internet troll tossed off the politics comment section.

  • Clavos

    Let me get this straight: You’re not serving active duty and you’re not attending meettings, but you haven’t been discharged yet.

    Nothin’ fishy about that…jackass.

    Just FYI, I spent four years upon my return from Vietnam with no requirement either for meetings or summer camp and no discharge.

    In fact, I had nothing else to do with the Army after REFRAD, including no treatment for medical problems I had at REFRAD.

    Four years later, with no fanfare, my discharge arrived quietly in the mail.

  • MCH

    “As for my military record… Air Force. Enlisted in 1995, joined the ROTC thing and was put into the obligated reserve, finished all the officer training crap, screwed up my knees, and that was that…I was put on casual status and then never heard anything.”
    – John Bambenek, Oct. 25, ’06

    Huh?? “that was that” and “casual status” (??)

    Something stinks in Denmark…

  • Clavos

    Something stinks in Denmark…

    Not necessarily; happens all the time, as I pointed out in my experience above.

  • Margaret Romao Toigo

    Whoever said that paleocons have no sense of humor?
    That was a genuinely funny piece. I laughed out loud.

    PS. When I saw a “John Bambenek” on the Daily Show, a few weeks back, I wondered if it was you — turns out it was.

  • STM

    Heaven help us!

    Still, you couldn’t do a worse job than the incumbent. And just don’t hire any interns, either, OK?

    And remember, power corrupts, but absolute power means you’re more important than anyone else on the planet – which means you get to do heaps of good stuff that no one else can, like blowing stuff up and always ascoring a table well away from the shithouse or the door to the kitchen.

  • STM

    “Something stinks in Denmark …”

    I blame the pickled herrings. The bastards are everywhere.

  • Ruvy in Jerusalem

    Congratulations on your announcement, John!

    Your strategy will revolutionize politics in America. You’ll be bringing the weighty issues of running the world’s greatest former democracy to 5 year olds who will be ready to vote for you in 13 years.

    Who needs Curious George, the Velveteen Rabbit or a Gameboy, when they have a paleoconservative to root for? You should adopt a dinosaur as your campaign symbol to get boys excited about you – and Bambi the deer to get girls all excited.

    Imagine – in boys bathrooms everywhere across America “BAMBENEK STOMPS!”. And in girl’s bathrooms “BAMBI IS A HUNK!

    Start brushing up those photos for the photo-ops in schoolrooms across your country – and bring plenty of candy. You can’t bribe voters – but the law is silent about future voters.

    Now we can discuss what cabinet position I’ll get if I return to America to serve in your administration. How ’bout Secretary of State. I can clean all the Arabists out of Foggy’s bottom…