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Satire: Iraqi-Mania… And What Do Americans/Iraqis Want?

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“We’ll be greeted as liberators,” said VP Dick “My Other Car is a Waterboard” Cheney, fifty-three years ago when we started the Iraq war.

“Mission accomplished,” crowed Pres. George “Huh?” Bush on an aircraft carrier just thirty years into the war.

“Oy, did we fuck up,” said General [name deleted by the National Security Council on Aging].

Today we learn that, not only do most Americans want us out of Iraq, the Iraqis are so pissed off at the Busher team's negotiations about future security arrangements that they want us out of Iraq. John “I’m Not Me” McCain promises us “four more years.” Or is that a hundred more years?

What the hell are we doing to the world, even more importantly, to ourselves — and, most important of all, to me? Ever feel like you were watching the world through one of those fun-house mirrors? How can we “stay the course” when all we can see is a complex maze of Chutes and Ladders? As Shakespeare wrote, “There be nothing so odd as a strange bedfellow trying to mate with a Llama.” Words to live by, I’ll tell you that.

To add insult to injury, last night — well, last night there, which could mean tonight here… that international date line is a Communist plot — hundreds of thousands of South Koreans demonstrated against the government’s decision to allow the U.S. to sell our beef there. Talk about ingrates. After all we’ve done for them, you think they’d tolerate a few cases of mad cow disease… after all, it hasn’t hurt Denny Crane very much.

But, never discouraged, your intrepid journalist conducted a rigorously scientific poll on June 11, 2008 to try to discern the real mood of the American people. *

International Attitudes

  • 73% couldn’t identify Iraq on a map of… Iraq.
  • 82% couldn’t identify the U.S. on a map of – you guessed it -the ol’ U.S. of A.
  • 15% couldn’t remember their own names.
  • 56% think Iran is the sequel to Ba-ba-ba-BabaIran.
  • 71% want the U.S. out of Vietnam.
  • 92% didn’t know the U.S. had fought a war in Korea.
  • 12% think Elizabeth II is the Queen of the U.S.

National Attitudes

  • 37% strongly agree that someone should stick a feather in Barack Obama’s nose to see if he can fly.
  • 54% are very worried that John McCain’s face is going to fall off.
  • 83% did not know that Michelle Obama is a paid agent of the Lithuanian secret service.
  • 92% strong agree that Ms. Obama is very hot.
  • The same number think that Cindy McCain is very hot.
  • 100% refused to comment about whether Hillary Clinton is very hot.
  • While 40% think Obama may be a Muslim, 60% didn’t know what a Muslim is.
  • All believe that price of gas is too high; 21% didn’t know that flatulence carried a price.
  • 39% want to see more affordable health insurance; 61% didn’t know that health insurance even existed.

There’s more of course, but it’s getting late, and I need my nap. Thank you for your kind attention.

Curmudgeon-At-Large

* The survey had a sample size of 15,000n with a margin of error of +/-100 points. It was conducted among the leaves, stones, squirrels, birds, and, ugh, worms found in my yard this morning. To hide my identity as the Master of the Mansion with control over the respondents’ lives or deaths, I wore a bag over my head and said I was the “unknown pollster.” I also wore a suit — that really threw them off. 

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About Mark Schannon

Retired crisis & risk manager/communications expert; extensive public relations experience in most areas over 30 years. Still available for extraordinary opportunities of mind-numbing complexity. Life-long liberal agnostic...or is that agnostic liberal.
  • Ruvy

    The survey had a sample size of 15,000n with a margin of error of +/-100 points. It was conducted among the leaves, stones, squirrels, birds, and, ugh, worms found in my yard this morning.

    “If I could talk with the animals, walk with the animals….”

    Nice to see you again Mark! I’m glad you were feeling well enough to write this!

  • http://www.republicofdave.com Dave Nalle

    Nice to see you visiting with us again, Mark. Are your polling techniques approved by the UN Commission on Human Rights?

    Dave

  • Clavos

    …and PETA?

    Welcome back, Mark!

  • Clavos

    When do we break out the Jameson?

  • http://parodieslost.typepad.com/parodieslost/ Mark Schannon

    Hey, guys, it’s good–and surprising to be back. I’ve been seeing a health nazi who’s filling me with vitamins and amino acids, and I hate to admit it, since as a child of the 60s, i love drugs, but it seems to be working. Not back 100%…still trouble driving & writing…but a lot better.

    Reuven, my friend, of course you can talk and walk with the animals. You just can’t expect them to answer in English…or Hebrew (Yiddish maybe) so you fill in the blanks for them.

    Dave, please, you silly liberal. The UN Commission on Human Rights? Filled with the worst dictatorial regimes on the planet. I rely on UNICEF and the American Society for the Preservation of Insanity.

    And Clavos…screw PETA. I want my fois grois. And I realized I’d forgotten the “In Jameson Veritas tag line. Horrors. But that can be corrected.

    In Jameson Veritas

  • Ruvy

    of course you can talk and walk with the animals. You just can’t expect them to answer in English….

    True enough. But my cat doesn’t meow in Yiddish. However he knows every single nuance of facial contempt possible to express, as well as every possible way of being pathetic. He’s worse than my ex!

  • STM

    Ruvy, you’re a shocker – you’ve buggered up Schanno’s comments.

    To the author: fair-dinkum fu.king hilarious. I laughed me t.ts off.

    The bit about Her Maj might be close to being right. (The conspiracy theorists have already got a handle on that. Ask ’em about it, if you can bear to be bored sh.tless for nine weeks.)

    But given America’s foreign policy over the past 40 years, it’d be easy to assume it was still part of the empire.

    Or running it … :)

  • http://parodieslost.typepad.com/parodieslost/ Mark Schannon

    Hey, closing HTML tags is for woosies.

    STM, glad you liked it. The only serious part is that thing about McCain’s face falling off. I mean, my bride is convinced the guy’s had plastic, so why can’t that glue that part back. I know he’s had cancer and all, but that’s no excuse for striking fear and loathing into the hearts of all real Americans.

    And I can’t bear talking with conspiracy theorists. My job is create my own conspiracy theories–their’s aren’t funny. Mine are funny, I hope, but real!

    Curmudgeon-At-Large
    In Jameson Veritas

    Extra credit to anyone who knows where I stole the Curmudgeon title from.

  • http://jonsobel.com/ Jon Sobel

    John “I’m Not Me” McCain

    That’s good! I’m gonna borrow that.

  • Clavos

    Cleveland Amory.

    C’mon, Mark. Everyone knows that!!

    I Googled it…

  • Clavos

    “71% want the U.S. out of Vietnam.”

    Friggin’ peacenik hippies never quit!!

    I say, draft ’em all!

  • http://drdreadful.blogspot.com Dr Dreadful

    Give it time, Clavos…

    Meanwhile, sign my petition to King Charles VII of France to give Normandy back to the English!

  • http://parodieslost.typepad.com/parodieslost/ Mark Schannon

    Jon, use it with pleasure. And Clavos, if you googled it, then see if you can find any of his articles…he was a genius. (By the way, C, there’s no longer any draft…except in Alabama.)

    Dr. D., the problem with your petition is that the British could then ask the French to get the hell out of England and give their country back to them. Remember 1066 & All That? Next you’ll be wanting to give Maine back to the Indians.

    In Jameson Veritas

  • http://drdreadful.blogspot.com Dr Dreadful

    Dr. D., the problem with your petition is that the British could then ask the French to get the hell out of England and give their country back to them. Remember 1066 & All That? Next you’ll be wanting to give Maine back to the Indians.

    Why stop there? I say give everything back to everybody until we all end up dangling by one arm from the branch of an acacia tree in Tanzania wondering what the hell just happened and why is that hungry-looking leopard worrying me so much?

  • http://www.futonreport.net/ Matthew T. Sussman

    I don’t even know why you’re pissed off, old man. I wasn’t even on your lawn.

  • STM

    A quick lesson in English history for our American brethren (who really should know this anyway since it’s part of their history too):

    The Normans weren’t French.

    The word is a corruption of Northmen. They were Viking raiders who’d caused so much strife in France that the French agreed to let them have Normandy. Not that the French had much option.

    (“Excuse-moi, could you please leave?”

    “Yeah right… whose gunna make us?”

    “OK. Please have some pate and a glass of vin blanc.”)

    If anyone has any doubt as to the origins of the Normans, one need only check out the Bayeux Tapestry, the tapestry recording the Norman invasion of William the Conqueror and his army, the subsequent Battle of Hastings and the death by archer of the Saxon king Harold in 1066. Popular belief has Harold copping an arrow in the eye.

    But check out those ships … they are essentially Viking longships. Another clue to this is that if the Normans were French, how come English food has been crap since 1066?

    Their addition to the gene pool in England didn’t make a lot of difference – the place had already been half populated by Vikings (the Danelaw, an area of England stretching from East Anglia, into the midlands and all the way up the east coast to the Scottish border and beyond), Saxons (from Saxony), and to a lesser extent two other north German tribes, the Angles and the Jutes, who had already either inter-married with or displaced the Celts to Scotland and what are now Wales and Cornwall.

    This is one of the reasons why the French are still stinging over their 1000 years of military humiliation at the hands of the people of that small island nation shaped like a witch taking a dump.

    Also, Schanno, never accuse anyone descended from the natives of the green and pleasant land, that sceptered isle, of having any French blood (Doc, why didn’t you keep yours quiet??). This is a far worse insult even than an Australian being mistaken for an Englishmen, or a Canadian being mistaken for an American.

    A lot can be explained about America by its decision to turn on its own brave kith and kin 200 years ago and get into bed with the duplicitious, perfumed, bouffant-headed French.

    I believe too it’s the reason Americans still have a penchant for big hairdos, sickly-sweet colognes and a deluded belief in liberty when in truth there is none. As you’ve seen over the past century, a relationship with the French is a relationship fraught.

    And don’t say we didn’t warn you.

  • http://drdreadful.blogspot.com Dr Dreadful

    never accuse anyone descended from the natives of the green and pleasant land, that sceptered isle, of having any French blood (Doc, why didn’t you keep yours quiet??). This is a far worse insult even than an Australian being mistaken for an Englishmen

    Come now, Stan, we’re not as Neanderthal as that. You know as well as I do that there’s a substantial amount of French blood a-coursing through many a Pom’s veins (and by extension, probably yours too!) and vice versa. Think of all the fraternizing that went on during all those repeated invasions of France over the centuries… and how many randy soldiers ended up bringing a blushing (and often bulging) French bride home. How many English bastards must there have been running around medieval Normandy, Calais and Gascony (all, at one time or another, English possessions)? Also, the Normans were intermarrying with the French for years before Willie the Conk cooked up his invasion scheme. Not to mention all those French minority religious groups like the Huguenots crossing the Channel to take refuge in our Sceptred Isle.

    My great-great grandmother, as far as I know, was a first-generation French national. Where great-great granddad picked her up, I have no idea and no-one’s still alive who might be able to tell me. But it just goes to show. As bitter as the international rivalry has been over the years, we’re both well aware of our inextricably intermixed genes.

  • STM

    “inextricably intermixed genes”.

    Maybe. I’m not that convinced. The poms aren’t a nation of mad rooters, sorry, profligates. Thus when it comes to genes, on balance, it’s a pity the frogs didn’t get more of ours :)

    And Doc, I REALLY think you should keep your French background on the quiet.

    This is nothing to brag about …

  • http://drdreadful.blogspot.com Dr Dreadful

    What I want to know is: with all that admixture, how come our cousins across La Manche got all of the culinary genes?

  • http://parodieslost.typepad.com/parodieslost/ Mark Schannon

    Wow…this has descended in historical dagger throwing, normally something I’d join in with pleasure…but the brain damage isn’t all healed…for all the Jameson Irish Whiskey I’m drinking…STM.

    In Jameson Veritas

  • STM

    “What I want to know is: with all that admixture, how come our cousins across La Manche got all of the culinary genes?”

    All, he asks …

    All???

    How do you explain toad-in-the-‘ole or spotted dick, then?

    Those two great English culinary delights :)

    And let’s not forget the chip butty.

    Or Irish stew, which was actually invented by the English and blamed on the Irish.

    Perhaps a type of culinary version of revenge for the bagpipes, which were invented by the Irish andthen blamed on the Scots.