“We’ll be greeted as liberators,” said VP Dick “My Other Car is a Waterboard” Cheney, fifty-three years ago when we started the Iraq war.
“Mission accomplished,” crowed Pres. George “Huh?” Bush on an aircraft carrier just thirty years into the war.
“Oy, did we fuck up,” said General [name deleted by the National Security Council on Aging].
Today we learn that, not only do most Americans want us out of Iraq, the Iraqis are so pissed off at the Busher team's negotiations about future security arrangements that they want us out of Iraq. John “I’m Not Me” McCain promises us “four more years.” Or is that a hundred more years?
What the hell are we doing to the world, even more importantly, to ourselves — and, most important of all, to me? Ever feel like you were watching the world through one of those fun-house mirrors? How can we “stay the course” when all we can see is a complex maze of Chutes and Ladders? As Shakespeare wrote, “There be nothing so odd as a strange bedfellow trying to mate with a Llama.” Words to live by, I’ll tell you that.
To add insult to injury, last night — well, last night there, which could mean tonight here… that international date line is a Communist plot — hundreds of thousands of South Koreans demonstrated against the government’s decision to allow the U.S. to sell our beef there. Talk about ingrates. After all we’ve done for them, you think they’d tolerate a few cases of mad cow disease… after all, it hasn’t hurt Denny Crane very much.
But, never discouraged, your intrepid journalist conducted a rigorously scientific poll on June 11, 2008 to try to discern the real mood of the American people. *
- 73% couldn’t identify Iraq on a map of… Iraq.
- 82% couldn’t identify the U.S. on a map of – you guessed it -the ol’ U.S. of A.
- 15% couldn’t remember their own names.
- 56% think Iran is the sequel to Ba-ba-ba-BabaIran.
- 71% want the U.S. out of Vietnam.
- 92% didn’t know the U.S. had fought a war in Korea.
- 12% think Elizabeth II is the Queen of the U.S.
- 37% strongly agree that someone should stick a feather in Barack Obama’s nose to see if he can fly.
- 54% are very worried that John McCain’s face is going to fall off.
- 83% did not know that Michelle Obama is a paid agent of the Lithuanian secret service.
- 92% strong agree that Ms. Obama is very hot.
- The same number think that Cindy McCain is very hot.
- 100% refused to comment about whether Hillary Clinton is very hot.
- While 40% think Obama may be a Muslim, 60% didn’t know what a Muslim is.
- All believe that price of gas is too high; 21% didn’t know that flatulence carried a price.
- 39% want to see more affordable health insurance; 61% didn’t know that health insurance even existed.
There’s more of course, but it’s getting late, and I need my nap. Thank you for your kind attention.
* The survey had a sample size of 15,000n with a margin of error of +/-100 points. It was conducted among the leaves, stones, squirrels, birds, and, ugh, worms found in my yard this morning. To hide my identity as the Master of the Mansion with control over the respondents’ lives or deaths, I wore a bag over my head and said I was the “unknown pollster.” I also wore a suit — that really threw them off.