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Satire: If I Told People I Killed JonBenet Ramsey…

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As John Mark Karr emerges as the alleged killer of JonBenet Ramsey, TV exclusives like The Insider are interpreting relics from his past as they attempt to create and understand the profile of a potential killer.

This has included pictures of him in marching band (you know what they say about those band kids … they're up to no good!) and things he wrote in high school yearbooks.

This leads me to wonder: If I go crazy and kill someone famous or something like that, how will people interpret my high school yearbook? And so we turn to my senior high school yearbook, Hicksville High School Hixonian 2003, Volume 88, to get a glimpse of the killer profile that is Chelsea Louise Snyder.

Page 16, Senior directory. Chelsea Snyder was involved in many, many student organizations and assumed leadership in many. She also received many awards. What does this mean? Chelsea Snyder kept herself busy so as to prevent others from suspecting that she had the mind of a killer and a thirst for blood.

Page 16G – Snyder's senior portrait shows a "come hither" stare and a peak of cleavage. Clearly a provacative Lolita, Snyder must have satisfied her bloodthirst in these young developmental years by utilizing her Basic Instinct-like skills to lure and kill unsuspecting suitors.

Page 28 – Snyder is featured with other senior girls at Homecoming. She is in the back row, third from the left. This position signifies that Snyder is a loner and likes to be behind the scenes so as to better prepare herself to claim her victims.

Page 32 – A quote blurb is featured by Snyder in response to the question, "What was your best memory of the senior trip?" to which she responded, "The many interesting events in the hotel at night." Clearly, she killed someone that night and is alluding to it so as to taunt authorities.

Page 34 – Snyder is pictured as the "Most Artistic" member of her graduating class in the group of senior superlatives. Artistic and dangerous.

Page 37 – Snyder is featured as a flying monkey in the school production of The Wizard of Oz. This public humiliation obviously fueled her sadistic thirst for human blood.

Page 56 – A member of the varsity volleyball team, Snyder was able to hone her physical prowess and use this in the future to stalk, tackle, and smack people at a very rapid pace. The team also lost a lot, adding to her cynical outlook on life.

Page 72 – Toni Pocratsky is incorrectly identified as Chelsea Snyder in the track team picture. Chelsea Snyder would have been furious to have been misidentified, as Chelsea Snyder did not enjoy track and quit after her freshman year. (See 1999 yearbook.)

Page 85 – Chelsea Snyder is featured with other senior members of the marching band, who are wearing shirts, each shirt featuring a letter, that, together spell out "CLASS OF 2003." Snyder is the letter L. L is also the first letter of lust. Lust for blood.

Page 90 – A list of student awards and scholarships. Snyder's name is frequently noted. She obviously killed the original recipients of these awards and collected them for herself.

Page 94 – Snyder is featured as a member of the academic team, National Honor Society, and Science Club. Many serial killers have been noted members of such organizations, but not nearly as many as….

Page 101 – Marching band. Snyder was band president.

Page 106 – An eighth grader by the name of Chelsey Sinclair. It is not Chelsea Snyder, but it is interesting to note they have similar names.

Provided by a source, we are able to see what Chelsea Snyder signed in a classmate's yearbook: "Thanks for the laughs over the years. Good luck in all you do! Shine on, you crazy diamond!" If you unscramble some of the letters and add a P, within this decoded message one can distinctly see: "Paul is dead." Chelsea Snyder killed Paul McCartney.

There you have it. An in-depth analysis of a cold-blooded killer. I'd hang onto this article or print it out, if I were you.

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About Chelsea Smith

  • http://www.ladydragonfyre.com/index_files/LWS Lady Dragonfyre

    Hah! your article is hilarious!

    In HS, I was voted “most quietest.” Clearly, I’m an angry sociopath with an Electra complex who preys on older women who resemble my mother. :-P

  • http://www.futonreport.net/ Matthew T. Sussman

    What do you mean if?

  • http://www.lorimortimer.com/blog lori

    Great fun, Chels! I read this earlier today but didn’t get a chance to leave a comment.

    So all the stuff that the yearbook staff wrote about you is interesting, but what did YOU write in other people’s yearbooks. I bet tthat’d be quite a story!

  • http://jessakay.blogspot.com Jessa

    Nice article! That made me actually laugh out loud. I was in the band too…

  • SHARK

    You forgot:

    “…Chelsea harbored a desperate obsession with receiving attention and admiration from total strangers; always participated in very public, explicit forms of “Look at me! Look at me!” She particularly wants others to know intimate details from her short past, including likes, dislikes, awards, and cutesy collaborations/public split-ups with her boyfriend the Sports Geek…”

    : )

  • SHARK

    Oh, almost forgot:

    Check out “Chelsea’s Pants”!!!

  • http://www.futonreport.net/ Matthew T. Sussman

    (Looks at Shark’s yearbook)

    Wow, voted Most Likely To Be In Need Of A Good Cockpunch.

  • Clavos

    Very, very funny, Chelsea. Enjoyed it a lot.

  • SHARK

    [Looks at Suss’s yearbook]

    Wow.

    “…voted Most Likely to Publicly Court and Then Dump His Fiance — and Yet Continue to Come to Her ‘Defense’ Like Some Digital Knight in Shining Armor. ”

  • http://www.futonreport.net/ Matthew T. Sussman

    Hmm, you seem pretty happy, so I’ll leave you in that fantasy world where you have arcane knowledge of our relationship.

  • Nancy

    Very amusing article, and alas, too much on target for comfort. Especially the part about marching band members.

  • http://musical-guru.blogspot.com Michael J. West

    Ahh, don’t sweat it, Suss. These past few months have been incredibly tough going for our dear old friend Shark here…despite much counseling and the occasional shock treatment, the doctors have been unable to cure him of the delusion that he’s amusing.

  • http://www.morethings.com Al Barger

    Miss Chelsea, you think you’re some kinda psycho killer? HA! Imagine what they’d come up with for ME. Not that I’m a narcisstic psycho, or anything.

  • http://blogcritics.org/writer.php?name=gonzo%20marx gonzo marx

    nah…

    we all know the only real psycho around here has the initials gm…

    but i digress…

    Fun article!

    made me chuckle

    Excelsior?

  • http://somethingaboutchelsea.blogspot.com Chelsea Snyder

    Sharkypoo, when are you going to take me out on that date?

  • http://www.futonreport.net/ Matthew T. Sussman

    (Vomits)

  • http://www.morethings.com Al Barger

    Gonzo, I laugh at your pretensions of psychosis. Let’s put it this way: Is there anyone here who can testify to YOUR cannibalistic tendencies? I didn’t think so.

  • http://victorplenty.blogspot.com Victor Plenty

    Pay no attention to the Shark behind the curtain! He’s just jealous of Chelsea’s gravitas.

    And Mr. Barger, I have just one URL for you: http://www.eathufu.com

  • http://somethingaboutchelsea.blogspot.com Chelsea Snyder

    As bloggers, aren’t we all a little psychotic?

  • Clavos

    Victor, Pretty cool! How did you make that link work only for Al? :>)

  • http://blogcritics.org/writer.php?name=gonzo%20marx gonzo marx

    for big Al in number 18…
    of course not..i ate the witnesses!

    psychotic, mebbe…but not dumb

    oh yeah, and fer my favorite Shark….

    i luv you maaAAAaaAAAaan!

    XOXOXOXO

    Excelsior?

  • http://victorplenty.blogspot.com Victor Plenty

    Hmm. That link seems to have taken a little vacation, hopefully a temporary one. The curious and enterprising can enter the link into Google and then look at Google’s cache of the site.

  • http://musical-guru.blogspot.com/ Michael J. West

    Shit, I wish I was psychotic. But these days I’m a pretty lousy blogger, which makes me a pretty lousy psycho.

  • http://www.morethings.com Al Barger

    Re: comment 22- Good comeback, Gonzo.

  • http://www.ladydragonfyre.com/index_files/LWS Lady Dragonfyre

    Chelsea:

    As bloggers, aren’t we all a little psychotic?

    As WRITERS we’re all a little psychotic. It’s a prerequisite; didn’t you know that? :-P

  • Vern Halen

    “Psycho killer – qu’est-ce que c’est?”

  • http://musical-guru.blogspot.com/ Michael J. West

    Fa fafa fa, fafa fafa fa fa…

  • http://somethingaboutchelsea.blogspot.com Chelsea Snyder

    I have no idea what is going on here. You know I don’t speak Spanish.

  • Vern Halen

    Just Mr. West showing his age, perhaps (?!?!).

  • http://www.elitistpig.com Dave Nalle

    I hope he doesn’t cause Chelsea to run run run run run awaaaay.

    Ya ya ya ya!

    Dave