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Satire: How to Use Your Children to Annoy a Liberal

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Since liberals place a premium on tolerance, the loving and charitable thing to do is help them develop it. Note here that, unbeknownst to many, tolerance involves enduring something considered to be a negative. We don’t tolerate a fine meal or a nice car, for instance, we relish such things. But we might have to tolerate bad weather, a cold or Nancy Pelosi. Now, since liberals actually perceive a great many positive things to be negative, placing them in situations wherein they may cultivate tolerance is not difficult.

One under-appreciated vehicle through which to do this is your children. You can use your kids to annoy liberals, but I don’t mean in the way liberals annoy other people with theirs. Liberals, by not civilizing their children, breed brats who bounce balls in supermarkets, play hide-and-go-seek in restaurants, keep the makers of psychotropic medication in business and sometimes chant “Yes, we can!” No, the techniques in question here are far different.

One of the best ways to use your children in this regard is to have a lot of them. Liberals, being generally misinformed and detached from reality, don’t know that the Western world faces a population implosion, and the exercise of fecundity isn’t a choice they appreciate. You know, if they see a gaggle of boys and girls following someone mother-goose style, they think carbon footprints, Malthusian nightmares and about how the wrong people are breeding.

And think about the fun you could have. For example, a nice touch would be to sport a bumper sticker saying, “My seven kids can beat up your one Ritalin-addled C-student.” Also, when the size of your family is raised in conversation, you can casually mention how the Bible instructs us to be fruitful and multiply. Judeo-Christian references move a liberal like nothing else.

How you raise your children matters, too. Make sure they not only play with toy guns but that they do it publicly. And it helps if they audibly say things such as “Bang, bang, you’re dead!” Liberals view this the way a normal person would view the exposure of a child to pornography. This is especially effective with the subspecies of liberals known as the suburban soccer mom.

You see, liberals hate guns. They feel guns are scary. They feel that guns “teach violence” (that violence has to be taught is a notion I debunked irrefutably, undeniably and completely here). They just plain feel. They seem to worry that letting their son play with guns will turn him into a murderer, even though they never wonder if allowing him to play with trains will turn him into a conductor.

To ensure this technique has maximum impact, you must choose the correct toy guns. Vintage is the word, because the guns you find in stores today look like they were designed by Michael Jackson’s effeminate twin. They sometimes come in Barbie doll colors and, at best, have at least a little red piece at the end of the barrel. This toyland abomination arose because undisciplined liberal children started pointing realistic-looking toy guns at police officers. Somehow liberals don’t view this as Darwinian natural selection.

As an example of this technique, I’ll relate a story involving someone I know. This father had given his sons some truly cool-looking toy guns from his youth, and one day he and his family ventured down to the community pool bearing these arms. When all the liberals’ non-sex-stereotyped, wearing-a-feminine-straitjacket sons saw these symbols of authentic boyhood, their eyes got wide; exclamations such as “wow” could be heard. This also has the very positive effect of confirming in deprived liberal children’s minds that their parents really are dorks. Oh, and you don’t have to worry about further alienating them from their (probably divorced, perhaps same-sex) parents/guardians. Unless liberal children can be reformed, they will push the old folks into a nursing home first chance they get no matter what you do.

I also should mention that you needn’t fear liberals’ self-righteous, didactic proclamations. Should they choose to say something to you, it only provides you the opportunity to put the icing on the cake. If, for instance, they ask, “Do you really think it’s a good idea to let your son play with toy guns?!” just respond, “Are you crazy? He’s way too young to have a real one.” This upsets liberals intensely.

The next technique I’ll mention involves something I witnessed just recently. I was in a certain very popular and expansive food store and saw a father with two young boys, about two and three years old. He had them in harnesses affixed to something akin to a leash, which he held firmly so they couldn’t run amok. This wasn’t too uncommon years ago, back in those brutal, uncompassionate days when people hated children so much that they allowed spanking and disallowed abortion.

Yet liberals don’t like such things. They bristle at the idea of treating children “like animals” even though they believe we’re just highly-evolved apes. Letting your child run around someone else’s establishment like an animal is okay, though.

Lastly, if a liberal asks you why you have so many kids, you can just explain how survival of the fittest ensures that the right members of a species breed and inherit the Earth. And be sure to follow up with, “Besides, every time I have another child, there’s one more person in this world to pray for you.”

Now, some may wonder why anyone would suggest using children to annoy liberals. Well, we must properly train the young in the way they should go. Just as importantly, we should always deal with people on their own level.

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About Selwyn Duke

  • Clavos

    I laughed. I laughed some more.

    Very funny, Selwyn.

    Nice piece.

  • zingzing

    if this didn’t say “satire” on it, i’d say you were a humongous douche bag. of course it does say “satire,” so you’re clearly not.

    also, it was kinda funny, even if that “They seem to worry that letting their son play with guns will turn him into a murderer, even though they never wonder if allowing him to play with trains will turn him into a conductor” bit is just plain dumb.

  • http://ruvysroost.blogspot.com Ruvy

    Nice job, Selwyn. You actually had me laughing. Since I live in a community where having lots of kids is a virtue and not a sin, the folks around me must all be conservatives….. And they so do annoy the “intelligentsia” in Tel Aviv with their 2.3 kids, 1 dog and cats that they throw rocks at like good civilized children….

  • Arch Conservative

    “Liberals, by not civilizing their children, breed brats who bounce balls in supermarkets, play hide-and-go-seek in restaurants, keep the makers of psychotropic medication in business and sometimes chant “Yes, we can!” No, the techniques in question here are far different.”

    You forgot the most obvious and dangerous effect that liberals have on young people. The so called institutions of higher learning in this nation that are nothing but leftist thought indoctrination camps. There are no visible bars or fences but our young people are prisoners just the same. Prisoners to heldover 60’s relics and other assorted moonbats who stifle and ridicule any real, rational, open, and honest debate at every twist and turn with regard to every significant issue of the day. Instead of being afforded the opportunity to engage in real discourse from all sides of an issue they’re being taught to behave like uncivil, unruly jackasses when they find themselves on the losing side of of a logical debate. A prime example is how the socialist shithead club at Columbia University behaved when the Minutemen came to speak on campus. The faculty by not punishing these students condoned their useless and purile behavior.

    I guarantee that it will be at max 3-4 posts before someone steeped in the same moonbattery will come along and deny the truth that is the sad sorry state of affairs at our Universities and Colleges.

    There are a lot of simple things one can do to annoy a liberal Selwyn.

    -Put an American flag on your home
    -Allow your children to say the pledge of allegiance
    -Be more successful than them
    -Succeed on your own merit
    -Expect others to be accountable for their own decisions
    -Apply the same expectations of behavior to all members of society regardless of sex, race, religion

    It’s just to damn easy Selwyn.

  • http://www.marksaleski.com MarkSaleski

    i used to characterize the bc politics page as a big monkey poo-fling. but i’m wrong. because now you guys just pull it straight out and smear it all over your own faces.

    and yeah, this was a laugh riot.

  • zingzing

    yes, archie! damn that easy selwyn! that’s what you meant, right?

    at least our leftwing indoctrination camps prepared us to recognize irony.

    going to college or university is the worst thing that can happen to a young person. you’re right about that. best they just drop out after high school or go to a nice bible college. yup.

    you know, if that’s what conservatives want to do, they can do it. or they can start their own colleges where they feel closer to home. they can build those up into fine universities. haven’t they done so by now? why can’t they do that?

    maybe it’s because a majority of people are greatly satisfied by our nation’s higher education. there are many wonderful universities and colleges to choose from, regardless of your political persuasions. so suck it up, archie, or start your own school that backs up your perspective. (noting that most people go to university knowing that they will encounter a great many perspectives that differ from their own. most of us relish this instead of demonizing it.)

    so, yeah, i fell into your little trap. actually, i jumped in. you probably went to some backwoods high school where everyone thought the same as you did. then you ran into a big bunch of different people at college and, not recognizing that you are probably (being an “arch conservative”) about as far rightwing as they come, thought that 95% of the people there were far lefties. then again, everyone to the left of you is to be condemned, right archie?

    so yeah, to you, universities feel like leftist death camps. to someone far to the left of me, they feel like little pussy colonies, no better than a church camp without vespers. for someone like me, they look like places full of people from different backgrounds and with diverse perspectives, politically and otherwise. get off the fringes if you want to recognize reality, archibald binger bat boy.

  • Clavos

    …conservatives…can start their own colleges…

    They already have.

    maybe it’s because a majority of people are greatly satisfied by our nation’s higher education.

    Hardly a ringing endorsement…

  • Arch Conservative

    Actually I graduated from the University of New Hampshire Zing.

    I didn’t say going to college was a waste of time. Most of the business professors don’t go in for all the bullshit and they turn out students who have mentalities which are grounded in reality upon entering the real world.

    As for all the art therapy, pyschology, urban studies, women’s studies, social work, theatre, poli sci english lit etc.. majors The same cannot be said for the vast majority of them.

    In general, if you don’t waste too much money on it, and you can network, a college degree is a good thing to have if for no other reason than it will help you get a good job. All that thirst for knowledge bullshit is laid to waste when we see what passes for debate at many Universities like the sociliast shithead Brownshirt club at Columbia attacking the minutemen for actually believing this nation has a right to protect it’s soveriegn boundaries, or the faculty and student body at Boston U claiming Condaleeza Rice is not fit to speak at their institution while Columbia invites Ahmadinejad to be a guest speaker.

    Most young people are much too impressionable to resist the propaganda and bullshit that is daily heaped upon them while in college. the saving grace is that roughly half that have fallen for the bullshit in college realize that it is bullshit when they get out and experience real responsibility like paying rent or a utility bill instead of sucking off the mommy and daddy teat.

    For the most part intolerant, mean spirited, narrow minded, leftists makeup the faculty and administration at most of our higher learning institutions. This is a fact and all the spin in the world from zing or anyone else cannot disprove this fact. But it does not negate the value of a college degree in the job marketplace as I have stated.

  • zingzing

    i know there are conservative universities out there, clavos. plenty of them. some of them are even pretty good schools. go there if you view most american higher learning as just “left-wing indoctrination camps.”

    ask yourself why so many foreign nationals come HERE to get their master’s or doctorates… then contemplate the state of higher education in america.

  • zingzing

    i know where you went to school, archie.

    but my point still stands. you are part of a fringe political philosophy to some degree. you’re pretty damn far right wing, so you’d view any amount of leftism as virulent liberalism bent on the destruction of your way of thinking.

    to you, yes, it is a fact that the faculties of universities are made up of “intolerant, mean-spirited, narrow-minded leftists.” but it’s all just perspective, and your perspective is warped to the right. and that’s a fact as well. there’s two “facts” playing into what you see. don’t forget that.

  • Clavos

    ask yourself why so many foreign nationals come HERE to get their master’s or doctorates… then contemplate the state of higher education in america.

    True, but the vast majority of them study at one of a select handful of elite schools.

    Nobody comes from East Timor to study at Podunk State.

    And far more of our schools are on a par with Podunk State than with Harvard.

  • zingzing

    i dunno about that. within 100 miles of my hometown, there are probably 5 or 6 “elite” schools in one discipline or another. it all depends on what you study.

  • http://www.joannehuspek.wordpress.com/ Joanne Huspek

    I wish I’d have had these tips way back when when the kids were little. My only use for them was to garner the front of the line at the drug store when they were sick.

    Very funny.

  • Cindy

    if this didn’t say “satire” on it, i’d say you were a humongous douche bag. of course it does say “satire,” so…so I guess this teaches us something about logical fallacies.

    If humongous douche bags are not funny and this is funny, then the writer isn’t a humongous douche bag.

    However, I think the piece itself makes the fallacy in that statement pretty obvious.

  • http://blogcritics.org/writer/dan_miller Dan(Miller)

    Here.

    Dan(Miller)

  • Cindy

    That would be funny Dan S.(Miller) if it weren’t so annoying.

    I have seen both liberals’ and conservatives’ children act that same way. The choice most people seem to make is either giving children license or (brow)beating them into submission. Unfortunately, both seem to produce bad results.

  • zingzing

    jesus, dan… my mother sent that two me years ago. my mother! years! ago! get with the times. and pass this on to all your catholic friends. and to the pope. i guess he hasn’t seen this. or he doesn’t remember it. kind of like that pesky holocaust nonsense thingamadoodle.

  • http://blogcritics.org/writer/dan_miller Dan(Miller)

    Cindy,

    I still think it’s funny. Alas and alack, my dear wife was taking a nap and was awakened by the sound of the screaming rug rat. She was not amused.

    Zing,

    The next time I grant the Pope an audience, I shall do just that.

    Dan(Miller)

  • Cindy

    Ugh Dan S.(Miller), I am with Jeanie on that–shrieking (and adults, for that matter) are decidedly unamusing.

  • Cindy

    …shrieking children and adults, I meant, of course.

    Though the shrieking children are always fine once you get them to talk a few times, I’ve found. I can’t say the same for the shrieking adults.

  • Jordan Richardson

    The Dobson book you Amazon’d was a great piece of satire, too.