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Satire: Hostage Rescues (How To Handle Ingrates, Canadian Style)

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On March 23rd, 2006, three western kidnap victims were rescued from their captors by a joint British, American, and Canadian special operations task force. Unlike the majority of people kidnapped in Iraq, these men were active in work protesting the American occupation of Iraq.

The organization the three gentleman (originally four, but an American, Tom Fox had been found murdered a month ago) work with Christain Peacemaker Team, whose primary focus since 2003 has been working to protect and guarantee the human rights of the detainees of what they call the illegal occupation of Iraq.

The three released gentlemen were accused of giving aid and comfort to those opposed to the occupation forces by the new President of Iraq, although his opinion seems to be a minority among Iraqi as religious groups on either side of the Sunni/Shiite conflict had pressed for the release and led prayers for the safety of the hostages. They have also been criticized in the Western press for not expressing gratitude to the soldiers who rescued them. Their reply was that they wouldn’t have been taken hostage if the soldiers hadn’t been there in the first place.

Closely involved with this rescue operation were members of Canada’s JTF2, Canada’s Secretive anti-Terrorist squad, and officers of The Royal Canadian Mounted Police. No details are being released about raid itself, or the Canadian squad’s participation, except to say that it was a British-led action. When asked to comment on the raid, Department of National Defence spokespeople merely said that giving out any information would be too dangerous.

There is a non-descript building in downtown Ottawa that people walk by every day without giving it a second glance. Why should they? It looks just like any other boring government office building. But behind that boring façade lurks the home of the notorious JTF2 squad, whose identity is so well guarded that squad members don’t even know they are members.

They are Canada’s elite anti-terrorist squad; the beadiest-eyed Canadians you’ll find from sea to shining sea. As a counter-terrorist organization, its job is to keep track of all those who pose a direct threat to the citizens of our country. Those guards on Parliament Hill are not just for decoration purposes. They’re in place to make sure that the members of parliament stay locked up in the House of Commons and don’t escape to threaten and bother innocent Canadians.

Of course Canadians face other threats to the internal security of their country and the JTF2 must be ever vigilant in making sure that the Royal Canadian Mounted Police (R.C.M.P.) and the Canadian Security and Intelligence Service (C.S.I.S.) do something else aside from spying on each other or resorting to old pastimes. There’s nothing like a barn burning on a winter’s night to keep you warm, and it does look pretty against the a cold night sky. (In the late 1970′s it was revealed that the R.C.M.P. had set a series of fires, including a barn, and blamed the Front de Liberation de Quebec (F.L.Q.))

But today, there is a more serious task at hand. Captain “X” (real names are presumably never used because it’s doubtful that’s the gentleman’s genuine name) has been called to his superior’s office to be debriefed from his last mission: the rescue of two Canadian and one British hostages from their kidnappers in Iraq.

Captain “X” entered his superior’s office where he was immediately blindfolded so as not to be able see the face of the man across the desk from him. He wasn’t worried about the two men who had blindfolded him revealing his own identity; they would have their eyes and tongues removed by the end of the day. Such prices have to be paid for the security of the country.

He was guided to a seat and the microphone/vocal disguiser was placed in front of him to talk into. When he spoke he would sound like Minne Mouse crossed with Elmer Fudd, and no one would understand a word he was saying, which was as it should be. These debriefings were so top secret that it had been decided that no one should be able to understand them, including the officer conducting the review.

Initially it had been debated as to what purpose a debriefing had if no one could understand. It was decided that it would be good for the one being debriefed for the opportunity to go over the operation again in the cold light of day to analyse it for mistakes before he or she had their brains wiped of the information.

Captain “X” described how he and his squad members had met up with members of the British elite Special Armed Services (S.A.S.) squad who were in charge of the mission. They had already been able to secure one member of the kidnap team for questioning and had found out the location where the victims were being held

“We planned to go in at night, taking advantage of their night vision goggles, which would allow us to travel without light. As the one American hostage taken with the two Canadian and single British hostage had already been killed, we had no idea how long we had before they just killed the rest of them.

“The raid and the release went off without a hitch, except for the disappointment expressed by some members of the unit at not being able to make use of any of their new toys. They had all wanted to see what the effect of a plague bullet would be on a human. Chimps had succumbed within a minute of being shot.

“The hostages had not seemed particularly thrilled to see their rescuers, and there was quite a bit of muttering from the squad members that maybe their duty still needed to be carried out, and how the plague bullets needed to be tested. It didn’t go much beyond that level of idle threats at that point.

“But then the former hostages started to espouse their unChristian ideas of pacifism and became almost indignant about being rescued. Unfortunately we were not able to take any action against them at the time as medical personnel and press almost always accompanied them.

“If worse comes to worst, action can always be taken against them on their return to Canada. Accidents have been known to happen to people before, especially people who have just been through a very extended period of trauma. Stumbles down stairs or walking out into traffic are all common enough occurrences for someone whose mind will be having trouble focusing. We are currently evaluating the feasibilities of such activities.

“Our assessment of the organization, Christian Peacemakers Team, is that they are a highly dangerous and subversive group that has been continually giving aid and comfort to the enemy. Their attitude towards war is dangerous, and if it spreads among the general population, could lead to severe outbreaks of peace.

“Many of my men are good Christians and are highly affronted at seeing their religion being taken in vain in the name of peace. To say that Christ would have supported them over us is proof enough that they are a threat to order and good government in Canada, and must not be allowed to communicate these subversive tendencies to the rest of their citizens.

“I recommend that this threat be eliminated in as discreet and expedient means as possible.”

About Richard Marcus

Richard Marcus is the author of two books commissioned by Ulysses Press, "What Will Happen In Eragon IV?" (2009) and "The Unofficial Heroes Of Olympus Companion". Aside from Blogcritics his work has appeared around the world in publications like the German edition of Rolling Stone Magazine and the multilingual web site Qantara.de. He has been writing for Blogcritics.org since 2005 and has published around 1900 articles at the site.
  • http://www.roblogpolitics.blogspot.com RJ Elliott

    Uh…huh?

  • http://www.elitistpig.com Dave Nalle

    Hard to tell the satire from the straight news in this one.

    Dave

  • T

    As a fellow Canuck…I applaud you..this is more truthful than satire….but beware JTF2 is listening….(cue scary music)….

    The truth must come out..lol