Home / Culture and Society / Satire: Hey, Mr. President! Give ME a Gitmo Detainee!

Satire: Hey, Mr. President! Give ME a Gitmo Detainee!

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Now that the detention center at Guantanamo Bay is going to be dismantled, the resident terror suspects (let’s call ‘em what they are) are being shipped off to new homes in various countries. Some of the really bad ones will have to face trials, while others with more dubious and benign backgrounds will be released into the wild, not unlike the repopulation of wolves into northern Minnesota.

Never let it be said that the good old U S of A doesn’t have its allies, because look! Whoop-dee-do! France took one! Hallelujah! Italy will take three!

Bermuda is now home to some of the Uighurs (pronounced “wee-gers”), Chinese Muslims, and Palau will get $200 million to resettle a few. It appears that the Weegers' native China doesn’t want them back. They’re considered a separatist terrorist group. (Gee.)

I saw news reports showcasing happy Weegers swimming in a pool and enjoying their new, pink ocean side home. I know, I slipped and watched because the nomenclature involved – Weeger – was just too intriguing to flip away from the channel.

After seeing how calm and peace-loving the Bermudan Weegers were, not to mention well-dressed, well-fed and blessed with a better grasp of English than some of the people I deal with on a daily basis, I am most annoyed that no one came to me to ask my opinion. I have a big heart; I would love to adopt an alleged terrorist. Hey, President Obama! Gimme a Gitmo detainee!

First of all, seeing that I live in Michigan and not one dime of the stimulus money has made it into my neighborhood, because, let’s see, our governor is using it to plug holes in the budget, I could use some cash, and if adopting a Weeger qualifies, I’m game. My children survived 18 years with me and suffered no adverse effects. As an empty-nester, I have two vacant bedrooms in a very nice house in suburban Detroit. There are plenty of bathrooms, and although we don’t have a pool, there is some exercise equipment in the basement. We’re close to churches and within walking distance of trendy downtown Royal Oak, where the Weegers could while their time away by drinking coffee at sidewalk cafes.

Having a Weeger in the house may be just what the doctor ordered. I had to cancel my once a month cleaning woman and the lawn care service due to hard times. I could use some help with those bathrooms and with mowing the yard. There are also the weeds in the vegetable garden. Perhaps I can enlist Weeger help in chasing away those pesky chipmunks who keep robbing me of my strawberries.

My side yard is Asian inspired, and even though I’m not a Muslim, I’m sure a Weeger would appreciate the tranquility of a dry garden, where birds chirp as the water flows from the pond, while the wind chimes tinkle with each passing breeze.

There are plenty of Muslims in the Detroit area, so I’m sure I can find them some friends.

So, hey, Mr. President! Consider this my application to adopt a Gitmo detainee.

I’m in the book. Call me.

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About Joanne Huspek

I write. I read. I garden. I cook. I eat. And I love to talk about all of the above.
  • Hmm, I thought Joanne satirizing the people who thought this piece was funny.

    btw, writers use italics for emphasis. bloggers use all caps.

  • Jordan Richardson

    The funniest part of this satire was that Joanne noted she had to cancel her lawn care service and cleaning lady due to “hard times.”


    Also, I’m not the least bit surprised that the Usual Suspects found this funny.

  • Dave,

    You probably don’t recall replying directly to me about the posts I have made (you did). (as late as like 3-4 weeks ago, if time didn’t pass uber-fast as sometimes it does these days) It’s okay Dave. I’m old too.

    It wasn’t memorable to you as it was a reply among replies. It was memorable to me as I spent months reading individual stories of Guantanamo victims until I was ill. That’s why I would just yell at you every once in awhile. Like out of the blue. You know, for your libertarian capitalist point of view (which, despite what I think are your good intentions–I find at some fault).

    I apologize for yelling at you. Maybe I’ll just yell at Joanne now. (or someone else)

  • Cindy, I’ve been aware of the Uighurs for decades. I don’t recall you ever having posted on the subject, however. But I can’t read everything.


  • Clav,

    I’m not ignoring your questions. I once answered them for Dave in some other thread, which I can’t find. Anyway, I am thinking about answering a difference way this time. It didn’t have much impact last time.

    Dave still doesn’t recall my posting summaries of the Uighur’s situation at least twice, likely more. One so long ago it conceivably led to Dave’s awareness of their situation–though perhaps not actually.

    Still I answered both those questions. I’ll find a different way to respond if I can.

  • I’ll claim to be a terrorist, Joanne, if you’ll put me up. Are you saying the government will pay the rent? See, I’ve got to get out of this place. Even Michigan is better then KY. So make me an offer.

  • Oh, and Cannon, if there is a trade arrangement between Michigan and San Francisco, I’ll take one of those in a heartbeat.

  • Gee, Cindy, I WASN’T being funny, nor was I laughing at ex-Gitmo detainees. I’m dead serious. If the only way one can make cash is to be a government employee, a politician or a relative of one, I want a Weeger. With a large Muslim population in the Detroit area, what better place to put them?

  • Cannonshop





    Really, we should be releasing them in places where they’ll have lots of fellow believers who share their cause.

    I recommend inside the Beltway. Michigan’s had a hard time, is having one, and will have one for the foreseeable future. Inflicting the misery of living in your home state, when there’s all these empty developments and foreclosures and such in places like San Francisco, Berkeley, Greenwich Village, Los Angeles, New York (and suburbs of New York) and Chicago (ESPECIALLY Chicago), well… y’know? Michigan’s too tough for them boys. There’s big, empty houses in high-rent neighbourhoods inhabited by folks who really are sensitive to their feelings that need filling before you trap them in some dying middle/working-class hellhole. (even a very nice hellhole, like your place…)

  • You still don’t see them as people do you? They can’t possibly be people to anyone who could laugh at this.

    Cindy, I’m just capable of laughing at people and at man’s inhumanity to man and at other amusing ironies. And the Uighurs really are a somewhat separate case from the other detainees for a whole bunch of reasons you can read up on if you like, though the essence is that they’re probably among the easiest to release without likelihood of problems as their only real beef is with the Chinese.

    I’ll tell you what, when you’re unjustly imprisoned for 6 or 7 years Dave, I’ll make sure I try my best to laugh about it.

    I spent 3 years in the Soviet Union. That’s close enough, thanks. But I wouldn’t care if people found amusement in my plight. I’d rather have them laugh than cry.


  • irene wagner

    A “weeger board” may have been consulted, in desperation, by those needing to decide where the former Guantanamo… residents…were to go, or not go, next.

    They all, innocent or no, had the specter of “that other kind of board” ever before them, having overheard the agony of those so afflicted–or having experienced it themselves. I wish that our country had the money to put them ALL up in the nicest digs on earth

    The U.S. DOESN’T have the money of course, and for this reason, I’m as pissed off as you are Joanne, and if you’re pissed you’re pissed, and there are more destructive ways of expressing ones pissedness than writing satire.

    However, I am far more pissed that the US put itself in a situation, through decades of inappropriate meddling, in which it would find itself casting about for housing for a group of young Muslim men whom it had helped to make dangerously angry, dare I say, pissed? through said meddling.

    Dave #7 — You’re thinking of the home of the National Oldtime Fiddle Contest.

  • Clavos

    So, Cindy, are you saying that your assumption is that if an individual was detained at Guantanamo, they were “unjustly imprisoned”?

    What about the individuals who were there, then released, and turned up wreaking more terror? Were they “unjustly imprisoned?

  • Dave,

    You still don’t see them as people do you? They can’t possibly be people to anyone who could laugh at this.

    Of course I have no sense of humor Dave. That must be the problem. I should learn to joke once in awhile.

    I’ll tell you what, when you’re unjustly imprisoned for 6 or 7 years Dave, I’ll make sure I try my best to laugh about it.

  • Maybe Devil’s Island needs to be reactivated.


  • Hmm.

    What do Bermuda and Palau have in common?

    Ah yes. Remote islands.

    The French releasee may possibly end up somewhere in French Polynesia. The ones the Italians are taking… Capri perhaps?

  • Clavos

    Or a synonym for…never mind.

  • Cindy, do you actually HAVE a sense of humor?

    And Joanne — isn’t Weeger a band made up of guys who graduated from Harvard?


  • I much prefer your articles where you incessantly whine about bad you’ve got it.

  • I’m extremely offended by this article. It’s deplorable. I don’t know how long it’s been since I’ve read something less funny.

  • Baronius

    Great article, Joanne.

  • It can’t be any worse than my daughter, who lets the shower run for an hour while she contemplates her navel, text messages her boyfriend and does her nails before jumping in. With the door locked.

  • I try to tell people that my daughters have survived me for 23 and almost 20 years with no ill effects, but my daughters both dispute that fact! It’s my personal belief that the only one suffering ill effects from those times was and is me.

    Careful what you wish for…I hear they wash their feet like a hundred times a day! Think of the water bill!

  • Clavos

    Good piece, Joanne, very funny!

    If you get your weegers, and if after that bitter cold Michigan winter sets in, they get a hankerin’ for warmth, you could send me one or two; I’m sure I can find some work for them to do around my place.