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Satire: Gossip Guy

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Entertainment

Jon and Kate Plus Eight producers are secretly having graphics made up for the show, which will read: "Jon and Kate Plus Nine." This is just in case the rumor about Jon having an affair is true. If it is true, scientists are predicting the drama index for this show — based on a scale from one to ten — will grow from a five to an eight. Rumor has it the producers also created a second set of graphics that read: "Jon and One Equals Two."

Medium writers are upset that the script for next season's finale has been leaked to the press. According to one source, Medium’s psychic character, Allison, discovers she has sleep apnea. Once she starts using a CPAP machine nightly, her nightmares and psychic powers disappear. And her husband, Joe, becomes a much happier guy.

A secret Escape to Chimp Eden source tells us all the chimps have escaped and the producers are frantically switching the focus of the show. An elderly woman in Stratford, Wisconsin, will be starring in their new show called Escape to Cat Eden.

Out of the Wild: The Alaska Experiment filming for the third season stopped today because of a tragic accident. The producers flew into the show's wilderness campsite to check on things and discovered that the four remaining contestants had eaten the camera crew and some of the equipment bags.

The Celebrity Apprentice producer Mark Burnett fired Donald Trump today after it was discovered that Melissa Rivers, Clint Black, and Dennis Rodman are Donald Trump's illegitimate children. If Annie Duke's DNA test proves that Donald Trump is NOT her father, she will replace Joan Rivers as the new celebrity apprentice.

Grey's Anatomy actor Katherine Heigl revealed today that producers wanted to kill every character on the show in this year's finale and start over with a new cast, but because most of the actors' contracts were still in force, the producers' lawyers wouldn't let them. In a private meeting with Entertainment Tonight, the producers said they would try again next year.

According to a source close to Survivor winner, James Thomas, after being in the wilderness for 39 days, James will be using his winnings to buy a grocery store, a liquor store, and the affection of some women in Mobile, Alabama.

Weather

Hollywood studio heads are declaring the drought is officially over and are predicting a heavy rainfall of great summer movies this year, which may cause ticket flooding in some small, low lying theaters.

Dining

McDonald's Corporation has announced a new value menu featuring peanut butter and jelly sandwiches. But be forewarned, you will be expected to bring your own peanut butter, jelly, and bread to the restaurant and then make your own sandwich. Prices will vary depending on the quality of your sandwich.

Emeril's in New Orleans announced today they will be offering a new value menu that will be more in tune with our economic times. The new dishes featured will be very similar to the items listed on the value menu at the McDonald's located two blocks away. In the spirit of this new value menu, the wait staff will no longer ask you what kind of water you prefer.

The Economy

Because of the recession, sales are down for most store items. However, some items are selling quite well. According to the American Institute of Important Statistics, the average American is now buying five pounds of chocolate, three cases of beer, and two adult films every three days. The institute admitted that the statistics are probably being skewed by the unemployed.

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