A scientist in Kingsport, Tennessee has trained grasshoppers to eat the marijuana plant. "We're convinced the grasshopper is our next best weapon against marijuana," said Henry Horley. "We have tested the plan out and believe marijuana, opium, and the hallucinogenic mushroom family can be eliminated entirely by training and releasing our new breed of defensive marijuana-eating grasshoppers.
"They prefer the marijuana plant and are naturally drawn to it. We plan an world-wide infestation tour, in which the marijuana grasshopper will visit North America, Mexico, various parts of Central America, and Europe. Iran, Iraq, and China are also on our target lists of countries.
"The grasshoppers seem to enjoy their new mission. Though they do often get tipsy, complain of indigestion and dizziness.
"The local churches here in Kingsport, Tennessee have funded this worthwhile enterprise. We congratulate them on their support, and welcome their future blessing on upcoming projects, such as a plan to teach mosquitoes to bite adulterers, dead-beat Dads and mothers who neglect their children. A more lethal bite from a black widow spider is planned for child molesters.
"We want to heartedly congratulate the insect world for its cooperation and continued good will. We couldn't do it without them."