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Satire: Getting In Touch With Your Inner Goldfish

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Welcome everybody to the latest round of getting in touch with your inner qualities. I have to assume since you're in attendance you have successfully touched base with your inner child, opposite gender, guardian angel, animal self, plant, rock, star being, musical instrument, surgical instrument, and of course your inner outer over soul?

Good – because those are the basic prerequisites for the next stage on the journey to complete self-awareness and personal fulfilment. Each step you have taken has only been in preparation for these two final elements that will bring you the abundance you believe you so richly deserve.

I know, I know – I can feel your frustration, incurred from countless days and nights of fruitless meditation and supplication to various ascendant masters and archangels in the hopes of personal advancement. Yet here you sit tonight still the same old you, no different from the you you have always been, and the you you now feel fated to remain.

I know that you aren't satisfied with the state of your life. Otherwise you wouldn't be here, hoping to find the secret that will be your release from your life as you. Desperation and hope have guided your footsteps here tonight – desperation to break free of the final constraints holding you back from achieving your full potential, and the hope that the key to unlocking your chains will be amongst the words you hear this evening.

I know that some of you come laden down with the burden of scepticism; who am I to blame you for that? I too have felt the burden of doubt as it has lain across my shoulders before I found release. Proof is what you require and proof is what you shall receive.

There is no need to look far to find the evidence that will set your minds at ease. In fact it is straight in front of you. The fact that you are here listening to me should be all the proof you require. I never dreamed that one day I would be standing in front of a roomful of supplicants, but here I am doing just that. I have gone beyond my own wildest hopes for success and anyone of you can do the same.

I see the realization dawning in your eyes now. If this is what he has succeeded in doing there is nothing I can't achieve. All I can say to you is you're right and don't be limited by your dreams because you are about to learn how to succeed beyond your wildest expectations.

Tonight you will learn the secrets of getting in touch with your inner goldfish and communing with your higher sheep self in order to achieve that final breakthrough you have craved. You will find within yourself the characteristics that will enable you to replicate their behaviours and achieve success beyond your wildest dreams.

What is there about the goldfish and the sheep that make them unique amongst all the creatures of the animal kingdom? What separates these seemingly lowly animals from their brethren that will provide you with the key to unlock fortune's strongbox so you might abscond with the treasure within?

Two simple characteristics, one from each, will guide your steps and set you free. The goldfish's lack of attention span, and the sheep's state of perpetual surprise, properly incorporated into your life, will serve to bring you the success you cherish and crave. Of course once you have properly integrated them into your awareness they will naturally augment each other.

But before you can reach that stage of enlightenment you will need to practice the sensations and the reactions until they become second nature. Are you able to forget you are eating between forkfuls of your meal? Can you see the same blade of grass repeatedly and be surprised by it each time?

Once you have mastered that phase, can you then combine the two and so that not only do you forget you are eating between forkfuls but your are surprised by the existence of each forkful? Then you will have achieved the enlightened state you need to ensure your success.

When you have the attention span of a goldfish and are able to lose track of what it was you were saying or doing a mere second ago; and when you are as surprised as the sheep is each day by the rising of the sun you will have achieved a state of being ideal to succeed in modern society.

Think of the possibilities for a career in politics when you can honestly not remember a word of what you said 30 seconds ago and you are genuinely delighted to see people you see every day. Or as a television producer; where an attention span is a deficit and the ability to believe something old is brand new is an asset; think of the success you'll make.

Yes my friends, once you learn how to tap into your inner goldfish and your inner sheep;  — to never have an original thought again and always be able to say with complete honesty "I don't remember" — you will have paved a smooth path to abundance.

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About Richard Marcus

Richard Marcus is the author of two books commissioned by Ulysses Press, "What Will Happen In Eragon IV?" (2009) and "The Unofficial Heroes Of Olympus Companion". Aside from Blogcritics his work has appeared around the world in publications like the German edition of Rolling Stone Magazine and the multilingual web site Qantara.de. He has been writing for Blogcritics.org since 2005 and has published around 1900 articles at the site.
  • http://philobiblon.co.uk Natalie Bennett

    Thanks Richard – you got the tone perfectly right. Had a good chuckle over that!