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Satire: George Bush’s Little Pretzel Book

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The following are excerpts from the soon-to-be-published Little Pretzel Book. This condensed collection of quotes pertaining to George W. Bush — taken from speeches, interviews and op-ed pieces — has an introduction by Saddam Hussein.

"Historically, all great powers on the verge of downfall invariably conduct a last desperate high-tech struggle against starving, blockaded, armless, defenseless, already-destroyed nations, and one is apt to be deluded for a time by this shock and awe of outward strength."

George Bush – The Last Action Villain.By Mahmoud Ahmadinejad in The Tehran Times (23 June, 2006)

"As far as my own desire is concerned, I don't want to fight even for a single day."

Dubya speaking on Global Warming in an interview with Michael Crichton in National Review (June, 2003)

"Education in democracy must be carried on within Iraq so that people can understand the meaning of American values, the meaning of the relationship between oil and power, and the way in which poodles should be planted in palaces. Only in this way can we really extend American influence within the Arab world and at the same time avoid pan-Arabian ultra-democracy which will destroy American interests."

In a luncheon meeting with the fawning Indian Editors during the State Visit to New Delhi (March 2, 2006)

"Natural Science is one of the born-again politician's weapons in his fight for conservative votes. For the purpose of attaining better ratings in the Bible belt, a President must jinx Darwin for the Old Testament to understand and change society and carry out educational revolution. We must use the minds of our children as a crusade-yard to propagate the Christian origin of evolution."

Speech at the inaugural meeting of the Natural Science Research Society in Crawford (February 5, 2005)

"It is well known that when you want to do anything, it is preferable not to understand its actual circumstances, implications, its nature and its relations to other things, otherwise you will never be able to unearth sufficiently satisfactory reasons, acceptable to the people, to carry out your family revenge."

Interview with Charles Krauthammer in The Wall Street Journal (March 19, 2003)

"Perhaps we should try to use our brains and think everything over carefully. A common saying goes, 'Knit your brows and you will hit upon a stratagem.' In other words much thinking yields wisdom. In order to get rid of the blindness which exists to a serious extent in our war-room, we must encourage our oil-barons to think, to learn the method of true evidence-finding processes, and to cultivate the habit of analysis."

Excerpt of Bush's comments in a cabinet meeting leaked by The New York Times in July, 2006, after 13 months of sitting over it, amidst vigorous discussions in its editorial board about the possible consequences to homeland security

"Liberalism is extremely harmful for a war-struck White House. It is a corrosive, which eats away unity, undermines cohesion, causes apathy and creates dissension. It robs a fighting nation of compact organization and strict discipline, prevents spying schemes from being carried through, exposes the lifeless bodies of its dead soldiers to public view, and alienates the President from the masses. It is an extremely bad tendency."

Speaking on the Occasion of the Unveiling of Bill Clinton's Portrait in the White House (June 14, 2004)

"Countries like Iran where our beloved poodles were overthrown by the people are detrimental to our interests. To build a bulwark against such harmful nationalist tendencies, the principle of implanting friendly kings and generals must be diligently followed. We are closely bound by common interests and common ideals with Saudi Arabia and Pakistan."

Dubya Speak During a State Banquet Hosted by Pakistan's Musharraf in Islamabad (March 4, 2006)

"I want her dead or alive."

Bush demanding NYT Columnist Maureen Dowd's Scalp in his State of the Union Address (2006)

Acknowledgement: The author wishes to thank Chairman Mao for inspiration. The Little Red Book is his favorite bed-time reading.

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About Mayank Austen Soofi

  • http://parodieslost.typepad.com mschannon

    Ah, lad, you almost had me fooled. It was the poodles that gave you away. Fun post.