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Satire: First For You

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The following is a paid advertisement by The Monarchy Bank of Canada.

At Monarchy Bank we know how devastating losing your home can be. That’s why we believe in our ‘First to Repossess Program’ to ensure that your dream house is properly taken away from you with the least amount of pain. If you know repossession is inevitable, why not do it with Canada’s most trusted bank?

You don’t want the children to see us take your home away from them? No problem. Here at Monarchy Bank we offer day care. You can leave your kids in a friendly environment while we indoctrinate them to join our cult.

It’s the first program of its kind and it’s a testament to our dedication of making you, our valued and cherished customer, first. We lead the country in housing and commercial properties seizures.

Furthermore, we are excellent at turning our backs on our clients, whom we consider friends, when they need a small business loan or are looking to refinance their mortgage.

Read the following testimonial:

“When my restaurant needed to expand in order to survive, the Monarchy Bank politely turned me down. They only want to give more to the people who need it least. I understand their position. I was about to lose my business but they gave me a free pen. If you are going to be ignored, why not do it with class?”

If it is other services you desire, we are pleased to present the Monarch’s Insurance Scheme service. With the lowest payout ratios in the nation, our product is second to none.

Here at Monarchy Bank we are also proud of our commitment to the cultural heritage of this great land. We firmly believe in the history of Canada. Just ask our Veterans:

“They kicked me out of their branches when I tried to sell my Poppies to honour fallen World War I and II soldiers. But I did get this wonderful pen.”

Losing your home can be a traumatic thing. Why not lose it with the best bank in Canada?

Monarchy Bank: First For You; when you are about to lose everything you live for.

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