With less than a week before the advent of the NFL season, several last-minute fantasy football drafts are taking place. Meanwhile, several presidential hopefuls are vying for a finite majority of voter support.
Since in about a year we will be looking to one of these men, women, or sentient cyborgs for four years of sound leadership, we might as well bilk them for a couple tidbits of fantasy football advice before they're too good for doling out advice, instead having secretaries and spokespeople to help us in the right direction.
Illinois Senator Barack Obama: "Naysayers may assert that Detroit Lions wide receiver Calvin Johnson is an unproven talent and should not be drafted high, but to the contrary, he has accomplished a lot during his college years, and has the talent to be a Pro Bowl receiver this year. Draft him in the first round, and he will lead your team to great new heights."
New York Senator Hillary Clinton: "Don't even think of drafting Calvin Johnson. I am fucking sick of being asked about that guy."
Former New York City Mayor Rudy Giuliani: "The year 9/11 happened, Tom Brady and the New England Patriots won the Super Bowl. You will want Brady on your team, and I project he will be available between the ninth and eleventh rounds."
Former North Carolina Senator John Edwards: "Drafting your own team is overrated. Just wait until Week 8 and ask the second-place team if they need a co-manager."
Arizona Senator John McCain: "Always go with Donovan McNabb. Just like the Beach Boys song. ♬ Don-don-don, Don'van McNabb ♬ Don-don-don, Don'van McNabb ♬ "
New Mexico Governor Bill Richardson: "Yeah, I suppose Tony Gonzalez would be a reliable tight end. Why did you ask me specifically about him?"
Former Massachusetts Governor Mitt Romney: "Most fantasy experts will recommend taking one quality defense and using it for the entire season. It is my belief that a team can have two or more defenses and have a more fulfilling season."
Delaware Senator Joe Biden: "A fantasy football team requires many components to be successful. It doesn't just mean that a great quarterback or running back or wide receiver or tight end or even a defense can make or break a team. It takes the cooperation and responsibility of a collective of players to achieve enough fantasy points to be successful. I firmly believe that … [3 minutes and 18 seconds about why winning fantasy football is important] and I will support the cause of being a successful fantasy football GM."
Kansas Senator Sam Brownback: "I do not believe in the manual selection of football players. Championship teams are intelligently designed by autopick drafts."
Former Alaska Senator Mike Gravel: Actually, nobody asked Gravel for fantasy football advice.
Ohio Representative Dennis Kucinich: "Who's the shortest running back? Maurice Jones-Drew of the Jacksonville Jaguars? Okay, draft him then."
Texas Representative Ron Paul: "Abolish fantasy football."