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Satire: Fantasy Football Draft Advice From Presidential Candidates

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With less than a week before the advent of the NFL season, several last-minute fantasy football drafts are taking place. Meanwhile, several presidential hopefuls are vying for a finite majority of voter support.

Since in about a year we will be looking to one of these men, women, or sentient cyborgs for four years of sound leadership, we might as well bilk them for a couple tidbits of fantasy football advice before they're too good for doling out advice, instead having secretaries and spokespeople to help us in the right direction.

Illinois Senator Barack Obama: "Naysayers may assert that Detroit Lions wide receiver Calvin Johnson is an unproven talent and should not be drafted high, but to the contrary, he has accomplished a lot during his college years, and has the talent to be a Pro Bowl receiver this year. Draft him in the first round, and he will lead your team to great new heights."

New York Senator Hillary Clinton: "Don't even think of drafting Calvin Johnson. I am fucking sick of being asked about that guy."

Former New York City Mayor Rudy Giuliani: "The year 9/11 happened, Tom Brady and the New England Patriots won the Super Bowl. You will want Brady on your team, and I project he will be available between the ninth and eleventh rounds."

Former North Carolina Senator John Edwards: "Drafting your own team is overrated. Just wait until Week 8 and ask the second-place team if they need a co-manager."

Arizona Senator John McCain: "Always go with Donovan McNabb. Just like the Beach Boys song. ♬ Don-don-don, Don'van McNabb ♬ Don-don-don, Don'van McNabb ♬ "

New Mexico Governor Bill Richardson: "Yeah, I suppose Tony Gonzalez would be a reliable tight end. Why did you ask me specifically about him?"

Former Massachusetts Governor Mitt Romney: "Most fantasy experts will recommend taking one quality defense and using it for the entire season. It is my belief that a team can have two or more defenses and have a more fulfilling season."

Delaware Senator Joe Biden: "A fantasy football team requires many components to be successful. It doesn't just mean that a great quarterback or running back or wide receiver or tight end or even a defense can make or break a team. It takes the cooperation and responsibility of a collective of players to achieve enough fantasy points to be successful. I firmly believe that … [3 minutes and 18 seconds about why winning fantasy football is important] and I will support the cause of being a successful fantasy football GM."

Kansas Senator Sam Brownback: "I do not believe in the manual selection of football players. Championship teams are intelligently designed by autopick drafts."

Former Alaska Senator Mike Gravel: Actually, nobody asked Gravel for fantasy football advice.

Ohio Representative Dennis Kucinich: "Who's the shortest running back? Maurice Jones-Drew of the Jacksonville Jaguars? Okay, draft him then."

Texas Representative Ron Paul: "Abolish fantasy football."

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About Suss

  • http://www.roblogpolitics.blogspot.com RJ

    ROTFL!

    Fred Thompson: Draft the oldest, baldest player who holds out the longest.

  • http://www.roblogpolitics.blogspot.com RJ

    Ralph Nader: Nationalize all NFL teams. Execute the owners. Remove the scoreboard. Tear down the stadiums and plant giant forests of hemp.

  • http://www.roblogpolitics.blogspot.com RJ

    Dick Cheney: Draft Pacman Jones and Michael Vick. They both know a lot about unfortunate shooting incidents. Then, invade Iraq.

  • Dr Dreadful

    LOL.

    RJ, I think you’ve found your niche.

    Keep ‘em coming.

  • http://www.roblogpolitics.blogspot.com RJ

    Newt Gingrich: I say that today’s game is both inane and corrupt. The best players don’t even bother to play. Whatever happened to the good old days of Otto Graham and Fran Tarkenton? Drew Brees is a pygmy.

  • http://www.futonreport.net/ Matthew T. Sussman

    If Paul Gillmor doesn’t hurry up and pick, he’s going to lose his turn

  • http://www.roblogpolitics.blogspot.com RJ

    Chris Dodd: Draft me! My hair is already a helmet!

  • http://www.roblogpolitics.blogspot.com RJ

    Tom Tancredo: Whatever you do, don’t draft Tony Romo…

  • moonraven

    Now, in the wake of the Larry Craig scandal, BC publishes this homoerotic horseshit.

  • http://www.futonreport.net/ Matthew T. Sussman

    You’re absolutely right. I should have checked with Larry Craig first before I wrote this.

  • moonraven

    You should have considered that you were perhaps gilding the lily–especially on this site where there is only woman regularly posting, ME.

  • http://www.futonreport.net/ Matthew T. Sussman

    And you should have considered that if you’re not an NFL football fan, you might not have understood the humor.

    (P.S. – There are TONS of women on this site — expand your horizons by going to other sections besides politics. ‘t’s good for the soul.)

  • Nancy

    RJ, these are hilarious. Who knew you had such a sense of humor?!

  • moonraven

    There was no humor, kid. You are NOT a funny person. Get over it.

    I think I will pass on reading recipes on this site, thanks.

  • http://www.futonreport.net/ Matthew T. Sussman

    That’s not true. Not all women on this site are confined to writing chocolate chip cookie recipes. We also permit them discuss childbirth, quilting, and occasionally how best to please their man.

    See? We’re tolerant!

  • http://www.futonreport.net/ Matthew T. Sussman

    I found this missing “to” — I believe it belongs to the comment above somewhere.

  • moonraven

    Wrong: you are an asshole.

    Get over it.

  • http://www.futonreport.net/ Matthew T. Sussman

    Actually I came to grips with my assholiness a long time ago. You could say I’m assholier than thou.

  • moonraven

    Yes, you could say that.

    I certainly would.

  • REMF

    “Dick Cheney: Draft Pacman Jones and Michael Vick. They both know a lot about unfortunate shooting incidents. Then, invade Iraq.”

    Or…Dick Cheney: “Draft Pacman Jones and Michael Vick, all the deferemnts are gone now after I used my five.”

  • http://www.roblogpolitics.blogspot.com RJ

    Thanks to you both, Nancy and Doc Dread. :-)

    Al Gore: Well, Michael Vick has certainly helped to reduce the carbon footprint of pit bulls, so he’s on my team. Also, Ben Roethlisberger drive a very fuel-efficient motorcycle…

  • alessandro

    Matt. Give it up.

    Moonraven doesn’t find you funny.

    RJ – you funny guy.