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Satire: Economic News You Can Use

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Below is a collection of news stories which I hope will be helpful to you during these hard economic times.

Starting tomorrow, traffic lights in Los Angeles will be turned off every other hour and will be completely off from 7pm to 7am. City officials are hoping that this new policy will help cut the city's electricity bill by 20 percent. In the same announcement, it was revealed that street lights will be turned off at sunset.

Burger King has announced that starting next Tuesday they will only give you either the top or the bottom of the bun, not both, when you order a burger. Burger King hopes to create and publish a bun schedule within thirty days so that their customers won't be unpleasantly surprised.

In July, the city of Milwaukee will be raising sales tax by 30 percent on all items except cheese, beer, bratwurst, and football tickets. Alderman Ima Cheezhead stated, "We're not crazy, you know."

On June18, the city of Chicago will be doubling the cost of parking ticket fines. And parking tickets must be paid within 30 minutes or the fine is tripled. Payment will only be accepted in person and must be paid in sixth century Samurai tokens. In related news, due to a budget cut, the Department of Motor Vehicles is closing all Illinois DMV offices except the one in Cairo, Illinois.

Starting at 2pm today, Countrybank will be charging you rent for keeping your money in their bank. Countrybank also said in a press release that in order to avoid creating a hardship for their customers, it will offer low interest loans which can be used to pay your bank account rent.

Financially troubled cable company Convic Communications will be raising prices in August by 50 percent and limiting the number of channels you can receive to three. The three channels will be The Classical Music Channel, The TV Guide Channel, and QVC.

Due to budget cuts, NASA's primary mission in 2010 will be to explore Las Vegas. Astronauts will spend five days and four nights at Whiskey Pete's Hotel and Casino. Keeping with tradition, the astronauts are expected to gather samples and conduct experiments. A secondary goal for this mission will be to recruit more astronauts. Requirements and qualifications for becoming an astronaut will be reduced. NASA plans on using communication satellites and the Hubble telescope to locate the best buffet prices. If the Las Vegas mission is successful, NASA plans on exploring Bangkok, Thailand, in 2011.

In an effort to reduce production costs, the TV show Survivor is changing next season's filming location from Tahiti to Detroit. Survivor: Detroit will begin filming in December. Upon arriving in Detroit, the first thing the contestants will do is record a goodbye video just in case their family and friends never see them again. It was also announced that host Jeff Probst will be replaced by Heidi and Spencer Pratt.

Some fine dining restaurants in New York City are offering three-ounce Dixie cups of wine for those who can't afford glasses of wine or bottles.

In an effort to reduce costs, airlines will replace federal sky marshals with former mall cops. Copilots will be replaced by a special Wii program and a 12-year-old. And if an airplane exit door, window, or windshield breaks, it will be replaced by some duct tape and a sheet of plastic.

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