This morning — like most mornings — I found myself scanning the Internet for my holy grail, a multi-colored neon Jesus sign. I’ve seen them everywhere here in Colorado Springs and decided I wanted to get one. When I find one, it’ll be hanging where it belongs in my garage: just above the Corona and below the Playboy Bunny signs already hanging on the wall abutting the house.
It’s taken me quite a while trying to find my Jesus sign because Google isn’t very smart. If I type “signs of Jesus,” Google spews page after page after page of people claiming to have seen signs of Jesus.
Somebody’s cat left a paw print in the snow and it melted ever so slightly and then a newspaper was called and then the village people arrived and then more press arrived and then soon, the Internet is awash with news that another sign of Jesus has been made. Hall – aye – you – yah.
Even typing, “multi-colored neon Jesus signs” won’t get me anywhere, other than the famously famous article I wrote for BlogCritics. In fact, mid-way through Google’s list, there’s an interesting quote attributed to Jesus: “Beware of religion.”
Curious, I clicked the link, and a banner popped up: “CHURCH FOR THE CHURCHLESS.”
Hall – aye – you – yah. Below that is an intellectually written story about how Jesus committed graffiti and how it scared the local villagers into become more “aware” of the Bible, church and especially, Jesus.
If you thought “beware” meant the same as watching out for frothing, angry, and rabid Cujo, well, you were just plain wrong. If you thought God was going to shock your shirt off with a sliver of lightning on your bottom, you were way off base. You might be the only other person on the planet who thought the same things, too.
The article (really a posting of an excerpt from a book) ends up with the usual moral tale: know your Bible, pay your church lots of alms, and above all, graffiti — in the name of religious empowerment — is acceptable. If Jesus did it, so can we.
I’m going to go run around my neighborhood and spray paint “PAOTIE RULES!” on every fence, garage door, car, mailbox, and even windows in the neighborhood. Why not? Jesus did it! Hall – aye – you – yah!
Stoners like to claim Moses smoked the first green herbs. Even Shakespeare is said to have been quite the connoisseur of green silly herbs. So imagine how powerful a marketing tool it would be for Christianity if Jesus was reported to have been a pot-smoking hippie all along.
I’d go to church. I’d go every day, in fact. I would even join the choir though I’m deaf and can’t sing a lick. But it wouldn’t even really matter, anyway, because everybody would be feeling “the Spirit.” Some people might even dance. Others might do forbidden things in secret places with age-appropriate and consensus agreement by both/all/solo parties involved.
Church would become my life. It’d be nice, too, because most everybody would be happy, and feeling love for one another at church. Others might simply feel at peace with the world and snore away in deep bliss. As with most religions, there are a few people who are somewhat “paranoid,”, if you catch my drift.
Hall – aye – you – yah.
Given the way the Government has been lately with its Big Brother mentality, our church would be further separated from the Government. The Government would hate our church, while we would defend ourselves from political dictatorship and censorship. We would fight for our right to practice religion! It’s as part of the American fabric as apple pie, hot dogs, and hot blonde, corn-fed girls that look like a cross between Dog the Bounty Hunter’s wife and Christina Aguilera, as anything else in America.
Hall – aye – you – yah.
Sadly, we don’t know if Jesus really did do those things. We don’t even know for sure that he actually walked on water, and not on the beach during low tide, or if someone in scuba gear propped Jesus up on the water, but not Peter.
I don’t know if there’s a moral lesson to all this, but just imagine the possibilities if Jesus had been a confirmed pot-smoking hippie. I don’t know what else to say. What Would Jesus Do? He’d say, “Beware.” Beware of dogs, too.Powered by Sidelines