When George W. Bush was still president, the Republicans were using government to take over people’s lives and supporting evil corporations, the liberals were the radical dissenters protesting for America, and all was right with the world. In fact, the status quo became so boring that the leaders of the Democratic party and the Republican party knew they had to shake things up. “People stop paying attention after the same old thing has been happening for years. You can only invade so many countries before nobody cares anymore” said one anonymous Republican aide.
Taking a cue from professional wrestling storylines, leaders of both major parties agreed to implement a double heel/face turn, inspired by the double heel/face turn of Bret Hart vs. Stone Cold Steve Austin at Wrestlemania 13. At this momentous event, bad guy Stone Cold Steve Austin fought good guy Bret “he Hitman Hart. During the match, Austin fought so valiantly that the crowd followed behind him, and began cheering Austin and booing Hart.
“Like pro wrestling, politics is a circus,” continued the anonymous Republican aide. “If you don’t like the acrobats, you’ve got the elephants. If you don’t like the lions, you’ve got the clowns. There’s something for everyone, whether you’re a hatefilled racist (referring to neo-Nazis), or a hatefilled racist (referring to Reverend Jeremiah Wright), or a hatefilled racist (referring to anti-immigration voters,) or a hatefilled racist (referring to citizens who continue questioning Obama’s birth certificate), or a hatefilled racist (referring to affirmative action supporters). Something for everybody!” And just like wrestling, politics needs to repackage the same old storyline into something new, charismatic, and exciting.
“We first realized the connection between wrestling and politics once we noticed that Obama talks a lot like The Rock” one presidential aide said. “One night I was up listening to one of his speeches, you know, to give him feedback. But because I was so sleepy, my mind started fudging together words that I heard. Instead of ‘The Rock says’ I started hearing ‘Barack says.’ And every time he referred to the people, and the crowd chanted his name, I started to expect Obama to tell the Republicans to ‘know their roles, and shut their mouths.’ I mean, come on, the guy has his own catch phrase that his fans love to chant. ‘Yes we can! Yes we can!’”
The author of this article is obliged to note that the Presidential aide he interviewed was NOT in fact the actor who played Kumar in Harold and Kumar, nor was he on drugs at the time of listening to the speech.
In order to generate incredible amounts of attention, leaders of the Democratic party met with leaders of the Republican party secretly to pull off the heel/face turn. This agreement resulted in success beyond their wildest dreams.
In a couple years time, the conservatives were the crazy radicals, protesting in the name of America. In return, the Democrats became synonymous with “the man” or “big brother,” pushing unpopular moves such as universal healthcare, and government bailouts of evil corporations. Now the Democrats have their very own president who likes to mess around with foreign countries, just because he’s powerful enough to do it, as Obama bombs Pakistan with soulless machine drones, and makes insensitive jokes about it, much like his predecessor George W. Bush.
“Just like in wrestling, where a new name or a new mask represents a heel/face change, we decided to invent another name for conservatives – the Tea Party,” continued the Republican aide. “And just like in wrestling, if you make the new, charismatic guy the champion all of a sudden, people start to pay attention. That’s why we chose Obama over Hilary. A female head of state? The world’s already had Margaret Thatcher. But a black president? No one saw that one coming!” said an anonymous Democratic party leader. “Best of all, it worked.”
One thing has remained the same, however. The American people are still sheep, easily manipulated by the media.
Hey America. Do you smell what Barack is cookin’?