Guantanamo Naval Base has been ordered to close the detention center that is being used to house suspected terrorists, and to conduct military tribunal trials of the suspects. Presumably the base, located on a rented chunk of Cuba, was ideal because an argument could be made that its location obviated the need to give the prisoners the rights that they would have had they been housed on US territory. Oddly, they were given the same rights that most political prisoners in Cuba get. That should have made the terrorists quite happy because they got almost the same rights that they would have given Americans had they been captured in their part of the world.
Now, the liberal President Obama wants those accused terrorists housed on American territory. Rumors abound concerning considered locations. All are near population areas accessible to rescue and rapid retrieval by terrorist friends/allies. They are also near right wing fanatics who might attempt to assassinate them before trial. Housing on American territory would certainly reduce the chance for prisoner abuse by torture.
I think that the conservative approach would be to house the prisoners on American territory to appease the liberals. There is a spacious island that has the odd distinction of being the westernmost point relative to the rest of the United States, but is geographically the easternmost. The island of Attu in the Aleutian chain (Alaska) consists of 344.71 square miles. It has a US 2000 census of 20 people. All are employed at the United States Coast Guard LORAN station. This tiny military facility could be the starting point for construction of the prison unit. The nature and size of the population would just about eliminate the NIMBY (Not In My Back Yard) phenomenon.
There would be no need to use waterboarding as torture at this facility. Outdoor waterboarding would be nearly impossible because of ambient outdoor temperatures during much of the year. The most liberal thing to do would be to supply recreational opportunities as a substitute for water boarding.
Snow boarding would be a fun activity for these prisoners to learn. Take them to the top of the highest point on the island, preferably a rocky hill, and give them an opportunity to learn a new sport purely by experiencing it without instruction. There would be no need for interrogation of these happy prisoners. All of them would be interviewed by reporters for a new edition of Sports Illustrated – The Al Qaeda Edition. Photos of down hill surv… uh, winners would be published and distributed to all of the residents of the new facility.
Another recreational activity would be an opportunity to participate in the synchronized swimming team that trains on the side of the island that borders the Bering Strait. The strongest terrorist leader could be nominated to be the team member who has to hold his position longest in the routines. He would be permitted to start practice several hours early. It would probably be futile to question those happy campers about anything as their lips would be frozen shut.
How about it?! Should we lobby for the establishment of the new prison for terrorists on Attu Island? Let’s do it and show that we believe in justice for terrorists.Powered by Sidelines