Home / Satire: Closing Guantanamo

Satire: Closing Guantanamo

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Guantanamo Naval Base has been ordered to close the detention center that is being used to house suspected terrorists, and to conduct military tribunal trials of the suspects. Presumably the base, located on a rented chunk of Cuba, was ideal because an argument could be made that its location obviated the need to give the prisoners the rights that they would have had they been housed on US territory. Oddly, they were given the same rights that most political prisoners in Cuba get. That should have made the terrorists quite happy because they got almost the same rights that they would have given Americans had they been captured in their part of the world.

Now, the liberal President Obama wants those accused terrorists housed on American territory. Rumors abound concerning considered locations. All are near population areas accessible to rescue and rapid retrieval by terrorist friends/allies. They are also near right wing fanatics who might attempt to assassinate them before trial. Housing on American territory would certainly reduce the chance for prisoner abuse by torture.

I think that the conservative approach would be to house the prisoners on American territory to appease the liberals. There is a spacious island that has the odd distinction of being the westernmost point relative to the rest of the United States, but is geographically the easternmost. The island of Attu in the Aleutian chain (Alaska) consists of 344.71 square miles. It has a US 2000 census of 20 people. All are employed at the United States Coast Guard LORAN station. This tiny military facility could be the starting point for construction of the prison unit. The nature and size of the population would just about eliminate the NIMBY (Not In My Back Yard) phenomenon.

There would be no need to use waterboarding as torture at this facility. Outdoor waterboarding would be nearly impossible because of ambient outdoor temperatures during much of the year. The most liberal thing to do would be to supply recreational opportunities as a substitute for water boarding.

Snow boarding would be a fun activity for these prisoners to learn. Take them to the top of the highest point on the island, preferably a rocky hill, and give them an opportunity to learn a new sport purely by experiencing it without instruction. There would be no need for interrogation of these happy prisoners. All of them would be interviewed by reporters for a new edition of Sports Illustrated – The Al Qaeda Edition. Photos of down hill surv… uh, winners would be published and distributed to all of the residents of the new facility.

Another recreational activity would be an opportunity to participate in the synchronized swimming team that trains on the side of the island that borders the Bering Strait. The strongest terrorist leader could be nominated to be the team member who has to hold his position longest in the routines. He would be permitted to start practice several hours early. It would probably be futile to question those happy campers about anything as their lips would be frozen shut.

How about it?! Should we lobby for the establishment of the new prison for terrorists on Attu Island? Let’s do it and show that we believe in justice for terrorists.

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About Rashi

  • Clavos


    Very perceptive (as always), Stan…

  • STM

    Clav: “That’s why they voted for him, right?”

    Lol. A long way from being convinced eh Clav?

    Only time will tell I guess.

  • paulwhoispablo

    Actually Cannon, most of the Gitmo detainees were sold as bounty to the US Military, I thought you would have known that.

  • Cannonshop

    #14 One could hope…but considering we used the criteria of “American Idol” to elect not one, but three presidents so far, I’m not holding my breath here.

    I still think they should send the Gitmo detainees to Berkeley, although they could probably send a few to live in Central Seattle and Chicago as well. (second thought, or just resettle a bunch in Murtha’s district-that last race was too close, he needs the numbers boost.)

    Send them to places they’ll be appreciated and welcomed, not to places where they’ll have to deal with the families of the people that captured them.

  • “Rumors abound concerning considered locations. All are near population areas accessible to rescue and rapid retrieval by terrorist friends/allies.”

    I wonder if the author realizes that 24 is fiction?

  • Clavos

    I still think he’ll be good for America though. I just hope he’s good for everyone else too.

    Of course he will be.

    That’s why they voted for him, right?

  • STM

    I never bought the hope and change argument. One president is much like another if the truth be known.

    I just thought it was great that America elected a black president.

    I remember the 1982? California governor’s race, when Tom Bradley got jipped at the post – so I never thought it would happen in my lifetime.

    I still think he’ll be good for America though. I just hope he’s good for everyone else too.

  • Clavos

    On that score, Obama’s message of change means diddly squat.

    All the deals between governments will still be done in the backroom, and nothing will change.

    Told ya…

  • NIMBY my eye! Bring them to Michigan! There are thousands of people here with nothing to do. And it’s just as cold as Attu.

  • STM

    However – I suspect what will happen is this:

    The US government, as part of Obama’s buy-American campaign that threatened to cut off one of Australia’s major steel markets (I mean, you guys got us in this deep financial sh.t anyway, and now you’re going to dump us??), will be changed slightly to allow Australian imports of steel into the United States, with other free-trade agreements kept in place … YES, on condition that we take some Guantanamo inmates.

    I can just see it all unravelling as we speak.

    On that score, Obama’s message of change means diddly squat.

    All the deals between governments will still be done in the backroom, and nothing will change.

    And down here, we’ll be playing host to some nice gentlemen who are a bit angry about a few things and whose favoured headgear is the tea-towel.

  • STM

    The US government has asked the Australian government to resettle some of the Guantanamo inmates (seriously) when they are freed.

    I think we said no. I hope we did.

    And I hope there’s no going back on it when the time comes.

  • Cannonshop

    #5 Instead of Cape Cod or D.C., how ’bout we just release ’em in Berkeley, California? We could set ’em up with public housing units, right in the centre of their own kind, among those that love them and share their ideology. Sending them to D.C. would be inhumane to the former prisoners, after all, what with all the Evangelicals in the outside-the-beltway portions of the District of Columbia.

  • Bliffle

    Rather labored satire.

    Satire is a very difficult form of writing and should only be attempted by an excellent writer.

  • Sorry, but Attu would be a terrible choice. The RF energy emitted by the LORAN station there might someday, somehow, be shown to be possibly (maybe) injurious to humans and the confinement facility would just have to be relocated again. Being moved, once again, might be thought by some to be torture.

    Why not get it right the first time? How about Washington, D.C. — it’s nice and warm there during part of the year — and a few more folks thought to be intent upon destroying the U.S. probably wouldn’t matter very much. Or, how about some pleasant offshore platforms near Cape Cod — Senator Kennedy doesn’t want wind farms there, and a confinement facility located barely above sea level would neither harm migratory fowl nor be visible from the shore.


  • Cindy D

    lol even satire makes a point.

  • Satire, folks.


  • Cindy D

    You’re a psychologist? Reminds me of when I looked around at my graduating class and realized that there was no one in it I (or any other informed person, likely) would want to be counseled by.

  • paulwhoispablo