Home / Satire: Chevron’s Waterbelly Faints Under Scrutiny, Grodomier Steps In

Satire: Chevron’s Waterbelly Faints Under Scrutiny, Grodomier Steps In

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“…So, we simply could not afford to pay our station managers their bonuses! We feel just terrible…” Albert T. Waterbelly said, his facade of deep concern looking particularly shopworn this day.

Yes, Chevron, that darling little sister of the Oil Whores announced to their managers this week that management had changed the “status level” of all their retail gas station/stores — in January — which directly affects the local manager and assistant manager’s bonus.

When pressed for the reason for this, after Chevron posted another mind-numbing quarterly profit, company spokesman, Albert T Waterbelly stated: “You don’t understand how the oil industry works! You see, we just barely made that $4 billion profit! It costs us nearly $2 a gallon to refine that oil!”

A reporter pointed out that Chevron owns everything from the oil pump to the gas pump and every step of the process – from pumping it out of the ground, to transporting it, to refining it, to transporting it again to the stations, and the stations themselves. The reporter askd just how was it “costing” Chevron that $2.00 a barrel? Waterbelly, perhaps in an effort to aid America’s energy crisis, farted loudly and moved on to another reporter:

“Yes, you!” He said, trying subtly to wave off the natural methane cloud huddling behind him.

“So how is it Chevron can insist that it can’t pay its managers what amounts to 0.000000177% of it’s total operating budget while it can turn around and pay that total amount on Chevron-sponsored parties this past year?”

Waterbelly’s protuberant lips began to quiver. He tried to leave the stage but a large poking stick thrust out and stuck him good. He edged away from it and tried to regain his composure. But before he could do that another reporter spoke up.

“And, we keep hearing how companies, such as Chevron are ‘beholden’ to the ‘stockholder’. But when you have a CEO that – alone – holds somewhere around 500,000 shares isn’t he the most important ‘shareholder’?”

Before Waterbelly could pry apart his now ferociously parched lips, another reporter asked:

“So, what you’re no doubt going to say is that somehow, this David J. O’Reilly, Chevron’s CEO, somehow, in some mysterious way, works so hard that he deserves to be paid over 400 times more than Chevron’s station managers, the men and women that daily captain Chevron’s fleet of retail stores, where, let’s face it, Chevron made that stunning 49% profit increase this last quarter? That somehow he works so hard he deserves to be paid an hourly wage of $6,971 while his average worker at these stores makes $8 per hour at best?”

At this point, Waterbelly fainted. He was replaced immediately by Chevron’s new spokesman, Marvin A. Grodomier, who ignored these questions and began reading from a prepared statement: “Chevron owes its shareholders…”

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About Marlowe

  • marlowesbeef

    The sad truth is – the above is mostly true. Chevron posts $4 billion in profit yet CUTS manager’s bonus across the U.S.

    P. Marlowe

  • FLASH UPDATE (from a leaked memo):

    We hoped to cut bonuses entirely from our management packages (except those mission-critical executive bonuses, of course).

    Then we realized if we had no bonuses to slash, that would leave us with no way to randomly penalize station managers who fail to meet vaguely defined performance targets. Without that, we’d be hard pressed to maintain our corporate culture of fear. Plus, how else can we reward weasels for coming up with minor technicalities and ratting out the few surviving decent human beings in our workforce?

    Station manager bonuses are such a flexible source of random penalties and rewards, we couldn’t just get rid of them. Corporate HQ is really happy with the present cuts, however, as we think the money we’ve saved by screwing over our station managers will neatly cover the cost of another executive retreat and team-building exercise in Tahiti this year.

  • marlowesbeef

    Ah… A fellow travler! Wait! What’s that you’re reading?! The READER’S DIGEST?

    P. Marlowe