Dick Cheney experiences the thrill of victory.
By Dylan Jameson
TURIN, Italy (PoopyCaca.com) – Vice President Dick Cheney killed seven spectators and injured dozens more as he shocked both the political and sporting worlds, winning a bronze medal in the biathlon, the Winter Olympic sport that combines cross-country skiing and rifle marksmanship.
After days of unanswered questions following his shooting of Harry Whittington, the 78-year-old millionaire attorney, at a Texas ranch, Cheney sought to improve his public image and showcase his recently maligned skills as a rifleman by re-emerging as an Olympic champion.
But Cheney’s public relations plan misfired badly, creating more controversy and leaving the White House to defend the vice president’s increasingly irrational behavior.
First, Cheney angered U.S. Olympic officials when he cited “executive privilege” to claim a spot on the U.S. biathlon team, knocking out biathlete Jay Hakkinen, a 29-year-old from Kasilof, Alaska, who has trained for this event his entire life and hoped to win before his blind mother died of cancer. Sadly, she was among those shot and killed by Cheney.
Then came the tragedy of the competition itself. Cheney’s astoundingly poor shooting skills left seven dead and an estimated 47 people injured, many critically wounded.
And while Cheney did not hit any of the intended targets during his round, the vice president was awarded bonus points for killing and wounding spectators, judges and other competitors, due to archaic biathlon regulations, which trace their roots back to 8th century Viking sports.
“A technical reading of the rules does award points to those marksmen who kill or wound others, but those regulations have not been imposed for hundreds of years, for obvious reasons,” said Steve Sands, executive director of the U.S. Biathlon Association. “Unfortunately, Mr. Cheney took advantage of those rules, which remained on the record only for historical purposes.”
The International Olympic Committee is also investigating whether Cheney’s use of special skiing equipment gave him an unfair advantage.
Cheney, who has a weak heart and is often winded from climbing a flight of stairs, wore a parka outfitted with a built-in defibrillator that sent electric shocks to his heart as needed. He also used skis with an electric motor that moved him along the course with no physical exertion required, much like the players that vibrate across the playing field of table-top electronic football games.
As Cheney made his way to the medal stand, he took the criticism in stride, telling the crowds who booed him: “Go fuck yourselves,” as he hoisted his bronze medal over his head, with the aid of several Secret Service agents.