The I-35 westbound bridge over the Mississippi River in Minneapolis collapsed, sending rush hour traffic tumbling into the river below. Rescue crews rapidly descended on the location only to be blocked by the media and onlookers stumbling over one another to get the best pictures of the carnage to upload to YouTube.
Back in Washington, DC the rush to find someone to blame has already begun. Taking to the floor of the Senate, Senator Dick Durbin said, "You would most certainly believe this must have been done by Nazis, Soviets in their gulags or some mad regime — Pol Pot or others — that had no concern for human beings." Senator Kerry blamed Republican politics saying, "What you see here is a harvest of four years of complete avoidance of real problem-solving and real governance in favor of spin and ideology."
House Speaker Nancy Pelosi released a statement saying, "While George Bush was passing tax cuts for the rich and pursuing an unwinnable war in Iraq, he left our infrastructure crumbling."
Vice President Cheney released a statement from an undisclosed location rebutting the claims of some Democrats saying, "This is a stark reminder that we live in a post-9/11 world where Al Qaeda can cause a tragedy like this. We should all be reinforced that we are fighting a global war on terror."
The linking of the bridge collapse to the war on terror only increased the rage on popular left-wing hate blogs like the DailyKos where one commenter said, "At least when Mussolini ruled with fascism in Italy, the trains ran on time. With HitlerBushCo and his fascist regime, we can't even keep bridges standing."
It wasn't just the partisans who were quick to lay blame on the Bush administration. Recently fired professor Ward Churchill cited America's imperialist policies and called those who were injured or killed in the collapse "little Eichmanns". National Organization of Women President Kim Gandy noted the lack of media coverage on the women victims and said that "this tragedy is a stark reminder that the Bush Administration has again and again failed women." Planned Parenthood is offering free abortions and contraception for those affected by the collapse.
Louis Farrakhan suggested that the bridge was blown up to kill the minority population. Reverend Al Sharpton and Jesse Jackson have already announced plans to travel to the area highlighting that the slow response to the tragedy was due to racism and the overwhelming majority of victims were minorities. Comedian Chris Rock was quick to rebut this claim saying, "There are no black people in Minnesota. The only black people in Minnesota are Prince and Kirby Puckett."
Fred Phelps, a pseudo-Christian minister, laid the blame elsewhere, suggesting that the bridge collapse was divine punishment for homosexuals and support for gay marriage in the United States. This has sparked outrage from the various GLBT support groups.
Plans for a relief bill are underway headed by Republican Senator Ted Stevens to provide aid for the area and to rebuild the bridge. Porkbusters was quick to point out that the relief bill was already loaded with earmarks including money for a "bridge to nowhere" in Alaska. When this was pointed out, Senator Stevens said in protest, "If the Senate decides to discriminate against our state and take money only from our state, I will resign from this body." Senator Trent Lott said he is tired of hearing from Porkbusters.
Senator Ted Kennedy was unavailable for comment due to intense irony. Ann Coulter has already penned her next four columns making Chappaquiddick jokes.
Note to readers: Yes, this is biting satire. Yes, there are people who have lost loved ones and any decent person should have them in their prayers/thoughts (and I do). My motivation in writing this is the fact that about 8am EDT tomorrow, the politicians and pundits are going to start the blood-letting.
You know it's going to happen, it always does. There is a certain segment of the population that descends on human tragedy to chuck corpses at their political opponents. And it's not just the left, or the right. Pundits will try to tie this to "their issue". People will make it a partisan issue. And you know some asshole has a video that he made instead of trying to help someone that's going to go up on YouTube. Ann Coulter will probably not be able to write a column without bringing up Chappaquiddick for a month.
It's sub-human, it's sub-primate, and I'm ashamed that these people drive our news cycle. That's why I wrote this, to point out the complete absurdity of it all, in the hopes that if at least a few don't change, that most of you simply turn off the TV because all the televised media (and most of the print) is a waste of time anyway.