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Satire: Bill O’Reilly Has Epiphany While Dining at Taco Bell

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On Bill O’Reilly’s radio show, Mr. O’Reilly talked about an epiphany he had while dining with J-Lo at Taco Bell last week. “I was so impressed. The cashier actually greeted me in English! I think Mexicans are starting to realize that in order to succeed, you need to speak our language.” 

Apparently, Mr. O’Reilly didn’t realize the cashier had actually been born in El Salvador and has lived in America for the past ten years.

Mr. O’Reilly became more impressed when the cashier properly counted 45 cents change for him. “Who says Mexicans don’t value education? They are getting really good at Math!” he said very excitingly.

Bill O’Reilly, who once referred to Mexicans as “wetbacks” in his show, has been accused by some in the Mexican community of being insensitive. Bill O’Reilly denies this, insisting that Marc Anthony, Jose Rodriguez, Gloria Estefan, and Eva Longoria are among his favorite singers.

“There are so many talented Mexican singers trying to sound like an expert. The Mexican community doesn’t need to have thugs like Daddy Yankee represent them!” Before he could finish, Bill O’Reilly revealed his biggest discovery at Taco Bell: many of the patrons were wearing really nice clothes.

“There wasn’t anybody wearing a white t-shirt and baggy jeans. I did not see one gang banger tattoo on anybody there. This is a sign that there is progress in America! The Mexican people carried on with dignity there. Nobody shouted, ‘Holmes, get me a mother-f**en ice tea!’” 

Bill O’Reilly is the hip spokesperson for the conservative right. To prove just how hip he is, Mr. O’Reilly is on a campaign to dine out with people he thinks are the spokespeople for their particular race. Just recently, Bill O’Reilly dined with Al Sharpton at Sylvia’s, a popular restaurant in Harlem. There, he discovered that Black people can actually be civil.

Then, he decided to mingle with another minority, Mexicans. Bill O’Reilly thought he could increase his Mexican audience by dining out with J-Lo at Taco Bell. After somebody told Bill O’Reilly that J-Lo is Puerto Rican, not Mexican, Bill O’Reilly responded by saying, “Well, there’s not really a difference.”

In order to score points with the Jewish community, Mr. O’Reilly will be dining with Madonna at Noah’s Bagels in Manhattan Beach, California in mid October. He will finish his “tour” of duty with the Korean community by dining out with Margaret Cho at PF Chengs.

His spokespeople are having a really hard time trying to contact Apu Nahasapeemapetilon in order to make inroads with the Indian population, but can’t seem to find his actual residence. Mr. O’Reilly enthusiastically stated, “I would love to meet Apu at an Indian casino!” 

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About Daryl D

  • Orvizo

    I’m mexican and I find this piece to be absolutely hilarious-brilliant job! I bet you some people think this is actually true.

  • Mark from Ark

    Hilarious and not far from satire either!

  • http://www.roblogpolitics.blogspot.com RJ

    Funny article, but this line:

    “Bill O’Reilly, who once referred to Mexicans as “wetbacks” in his show”

    isn’t really true. He mistakenly used the term “wetbacks” instead of “coyotes” and then quickly corrected himself.

    Just sayin’, you know, for the record…

  • http://www.futonreport.net/ Matthew T. Sussman

    Bill O’Reilly Has Epiphany Dysentery While Dining At Taco Bell

    Fixed that for ya.

  • http://www.roblogpolitics.blogspot.com RJ

    Meximelts are great goin’ down, but you’ll feel unpleasant afterwards.

    Kinda like a fat chick.

    [ducks]