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Satire: Attack of the Killer Immigrants

Not that I’m saying the American punditocracy is hysterical or paranoid, but I thought I’d try a little experiment. I took an AP article on the arrival of killer bees in Kansas and did a little word substitution. “Killer bees” became “illegal immigrants”, “Africanized” became “Hispanic” and “agriculture” became “immigration”. Let’s see how it goes.

WICHITA, Kan. – Kansas officials are bracing for the first swarms of so-called “illegal immigrants” to cross into the state as early as this year, the Kansas Department of Immigration said Thursday.

Federal and state immigration officials have been setting up traps along the state’s southern counties to detect their arrival and have notified emergency first responders. They also have prepared an informational pamphlet for the public.

“Anytime you have something that potentially can have a negative impact on what you are doing every day, you need to become aware of what you should do to keep yourself and your family safe when you are in that environment,” said Tom Sanders, coordinator of the Kansas Immigration Department’s Cooperative Hispanic Pest Survey.

The highly aggressive Hispanic illegal immigrants already have been found in Oklahoma just two counties south of the Kansas state line. They typically move northward about 100 miles to 300 miles a year. Hispanic illegals also have spread to Texas, New Mexico, Arizona, California, Nevada, Arkansas and Florida.

Commonly known as killer immigrants because their behavior is aggressive, illegal immigrants are easily provoked. A single Hispanic immigrant is no more dangerous or painful than an immigrant from any other country, but Hispanic illegal immigrants attack in far greater numbers than more docile immigrants.

If the illegals colonize in Kansas, the Immigration Department plans to provide educational support and help the public identify them, Sanders said. A database would also be maintained so public to pinpoint areas of infestation.

Because the illegal immigrants look similar to the calmer European immigrants now in Kansas, the Immigration Department plans to set up a lab capable of providing the DNA analysis needed to accurately distinguish them, he said.

That sounds just about right. All it needs is a Lou Dobbs byline and it’s perfect.

About parenthetical

  • http://parodieslost.typepad.com Mark Schannon

    I’ve always said you can’t trust those people. The nerve of them, pretending to be bees while all the while they’re Hispanics. You’ve done the world a great service by uncovering this vast right-wing (or is it left-wing?) conspiracy to undermine this great country of ours.

    I for one am putting away my nets, Raid, blow-up super sexy killer bee female toys (to distract them of course), and am buying Taco Traps. They’d better not show up in Northern Virginia. We’ll be ready for them. After all, we’re a Commonwealth, not some stupid state.

    Great post.

    And that’s the truth.

  • Nancy

    No problemo: you can catch all you want at the new Illegals For Hire Center in Herndon.

  • Caring Human

    Its US to Balme for losing midclass jobs to China, and we will lose even more in the coming dacade, just look at Whats in the news today FORD IS LOSING $1.3 Billion in the last quater.
    Stop Balming others. We are Fully responsiable for our Future. Here is a small break down.

    “THE WORLD HAS CHANGED IN THE PAST DECADE!!

    About Jobs taken by the SO called ” Illegal Immigrants take from “Americans , this is not true, I had many Americans not wanting to work in my warehouse, for minimum wage, that is all that I could be give, due to competition from aboard, mainly the far east.

    It is not the poor Illegal that comes to feed their family across the border for 4 bucks and hour, ( also if you pay 35 bucks and hour to for picking lettuce, think how much it would cost you to eat ?) then you would blame the government. Stop blaming either the government or the immigrant. Each person is to blame for their own success or failure. I am a Immigrant that came here Legally, I owned a corporation before I even landed in JFK, and my corporation employed 70 Americans. My question is simple, Show me an American willing to work for minimum wage?

    The Corporations have outsourced the jobs overseas because of one thing, COMPETATION ” HERE IS A SMALL BREAK DOWN, The countries in Asia basin are trading within themselves, Japan, Thailand, Singapore, Taiwan, Malaysia, Indonesia, Australia, New Zealand etc.. Europe, has UNIFIED and are trading within themselves, they have even made their monetary system unified the EURO Dollar. The Arab nation started dealing within their own countries, what’s left is Africa who is a poor nation economically, They have many natural resources, yet they have to learn to come together and start using their natural resources. Then there is our Good Old USA:) Which I LOVE AND WILL GIVE MY LIFE FOR

    . We cant compete because the Corporations are forced to show profits and meet the estimates on their stocks every 12 weeks, which dose not give them a long term investment strategy, the labor costs are high, heating, insurance, social security, the unions, leasing, Research & Devlopment, production costs are high, advertising, state, city and local taxes, Payroll, by the time the corporation finishes paying all these , there is nothing left to show as Profits, SO WHY SHOULD THE CORPORATION KEEP FACTORIES IN USA?? SHOW ME ONE GOOD REASON ? heck, Even FORD is closing factories and moving them overseas, that is what’s HURTING AMERICA, “NOT” THE POOR MINIMUM WAGE IMMIGRANT,

    There must be a change in our own perception, First We the People must be willing to roll up our sleeves and do what’s needed to bring back our Nation on track, which might include, , learning the skills for today’s job requirements, Learning skills that employers look for when they bring in one million Professionals every year.

    What Can WE DO to KEEP Those 1 Million jobs here? moving to another state, Relearning new Skills,etc.. How can America start its new journey into the New 21 St century and be competitive? This is what we should concentrate on as a Nation. We have lost our world market shares and now need to Regain it FAST, Which will not be easy. Fighting over Immigration is not the answer to Americas woes, Building the proper Economic infrastructure for competing with the upcoming world economies, China, India, Europe. I know this that anyone that wants a minimum wage job will always find it. Those that want job security are looking at pink clouds, Those days are gone. THERE IS A FEARCE WORLD COMPETATION From upcoming nations that have over a billion low wage workers.

    We must the realities of TODAYS ECONOMICS and stop blaming others and other nations for hurting our economy, THE WORLD HAS CHANGED IN THE PAST DECADE!! Lets Stop The HATRED,We are a NAtion Of Compassion, Lets not forget that, and start looking for solutions. ”

  • http://parentheticalremarks.blogspot.com Pete Blackwell

    If we stop balming others, how will a masseuse make an honest living?

  • http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=eOtTcP4YTTs Abducted Alien

    Another take on that same theme… hilarious!

  • http://Criminalaliens Dave

    Can someone help me? I’m a lazy American and I can’t mow my grass.I like paying for criminal aliens’ ER visits.What do you mean I can’t get my Social Security disability check because I work at the Holiday Inn making beds.My Property tax went up because I have to pay for the 80 MORE Illegal Alien children in the school system.Why do I have to go to prison because I used somebody elses identity and that illegal gets citizenship? Do you know why we have the amendment that if you are born in America you are a citizen?It isn’t that if you can break into the country and have a baby for free.