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Satire: Athletes Open Gifts

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Sports figures awoke to wonderful gifts under their respective Christmas trees. Here are a few examples of what they received:

T.O. received four cases of glue to use on his hands during a game.

Latrell Sprewell, long gone from the NBA, received $5.00 from his Aunt Gussie Mae to help him feed his family since the millions he was offered to play was an insult.

Albert Pujols opened up an MVP award presented to him by fans sick of his whining.

Bryant Gumbel was less than pleased to receive a copy of Michael Irvin’s Learning to Broadcast.

University of Miami players opened their eyes only to realize their gifts were stolen by previous Hurricane players.

The Oakland Raiders were thrilled to find the first pick in the draft waiting on them. However, they traded it away for tips on finding the snitch.

David Stern received a Hanukkah gift from NBA players — The Best of NWA.

Barbaro received a note from fellow steroid abuser Sammy Sosa.

Joe Paterno opened a CD of ZZ Top’s greatest hits with "Legs" being the first song.

Scoop Jackson, ESPN Page 2 columnist, received his first dictionary and a new intern to help him understand the order of words.

The Bengals received 12 "get out of jail free" cards. This gift should help them get through next pre-season.

MLS players received nothing because they do nothing.

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About The Critic

  • Chest Rockwell

    “MLS players received nothing because they do nothing.”

    This doesn’t even make sense. Even the Peter Kings and Tony Kornheisers of the sports media world would acknowledge that soccer players do run a lot.

    My christmas gift to you would be a ghostwriter that might make some jokes that are actually funny.

  • J McBride

    The fans don’t think Albert Pujols is whining about not winning a MVP.

    He should have won and everyone knows it.

  • Chest: You are correct. Soccer players do run a great deal and should receive a candy cane as a reward.

    J McBride: Fans are complaining. They just haven’t told you yet.

  • Matt Millen opened his present from Detroit Lions fans, and found a horse head.

  • Ben Wallace got a free ticket to a Chicago concert in early June 2007, since he doesn’t have any other plans that month…

  • Jim Leyland got ten cartons of unfiltered Camels from George Steinbrenner with a note: Smoke more in the new year.

  • TO was given a ball-gag and an autographed copy of Miss Manners’ Guide to Excruciatingly Correct Behavior.

  • Peyton Manning was given Kleenex.

  • No comments on my wit?

    Sigh… :-/

  • Thanks for the timely feedback, MCH!

    Happy New Year!