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Satire: Anti-Video Game Lawyer Speaks Out About Rockstar’s Table Tennis Game

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To: People Who Really Don't Give a Shit

From: Hack Stompsem, Ace Attorney at Law

Re: Rockstar Games Latest Release Filled with Sexual References

I, Hack Stompsem, have spent an exorbitant amount of time studying Rockstar's supposedly family friendly video game, Rockstar Games Presents Table Tennis. This game carries an 'E' rating, which is, of course, nothing more than a sham because you should blindly believe everything I say.

It comes as no surprise to me that Rockstar has created a title with balls and paddles. These are hardly just a means to play a game. Besides, no video game has ever been about anything other than violence or sex. I have research that I won't include in this letter because you should blindly believe everything I say.

It's also funny how Rockstar has used a nearly unreadable small font on the game box to prevent parents from seeing who makes this game. Instead, they chose to make the "Table Tennis" stand out. This is proof that Rockstar knows how to manipulate a broken system.

Things go sour in Table Tennis early. The most glaring problem, one pointed out by countless websites I read (but won't include links to because you should blindly believe everything I say) is that the player on the bottom portion of the screen can play the game easier than the player on the top. In other words, there's less work to do on the bottom, an obvious, blatant, and completely ignored sexual reference by the ESRB.

[ADBLOCKHERE]It's really no surprise then that both the female and male players wear skimpy clothing. The men wear shorts so short, their testicles should be hanging out. In fact, I saw this happen, but I won't provide proof because you should blindly believe everything I say. The females, on the other hand, not only wear tight fitting clothes, but when they celebrate, their shirts move up to reveal their belly buttons. Belly buttons! In a video game!

What kind of country do we live in where kids can purchase video games with accurately rendered belly buttons? Rockstar claims this is because of "cloth physics." That's a load. I've been on 60 Minutes four… no wait, three… no, actually it was one time, but you should still blindly believe everything I say.

Things continue to go downhill for Table Tennis. As I previously predicted, video gamers can shoot the ball into the faces of their opponent if the ball is hit hard enough. The only other type of person who would do this would be a hitman. I'm right, because you should blindly believe everything I say.

One more thing of note is the vibration feature of the Xbox 360 controller. This "device" actually vibrates before the player violently hits the ping-pong ball, giving them feedback that is sure to send them into a murderous rampage. There is no repercussion for hitting the ball that hard. I've sat with the families of hundreds of broken ping pong balls, took their money, lost the case in court, kept their money, said I won over on Gamepolitics.com, and let me tell you, they take this all very seriously. You can believe me too, because you should blindly believe everything I say.

I demand a multi-trillion dollar study on the effect this game has on our children immediately. Bring back all the soldiers from Iraq, leave the people in New Orleans homeless, forget the immigration problems, and completely ignore the thousands of starving people around the world. There is a video game on store shelves being sold at Best Buy in Dead Horse, Arkansas, that features exposed belly buttons, the paddling of balls, and Nazi-like video gamers are playing this RIGHT NOW!

Please, think of the children, and remember to please blindly believe everything I say.

Sincerely,

Hack Stompsem, Ace Attorney at Law

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About Matt Paprocki

Matt Paprocki has critiqued home media and video games for 13 years and is the reviews editor for Pulp365.com. His current passion project is the technically minded DoBlu.com. You can read Matt's body of work via his personal WordPress blog, and follow him on Twitter @Matt_Paprocki.
  • http://kingkrool.thenoodleman.com/ Kevin Cortez

    Hahaha! Good work Matt! That was some funny stuff. I love the “Hack Stompsem,” name as well as the “please blindly believe everything I say.”

    I applaud you. :)

  • LEO

    I met Thompson once, a pure weirdo. Talks with his hand onhis chin when his mouth is moving, wears a black coat with a purble tie and brown shirt, and he can’t stop telling me I should stop playing games and start studying, he told me this in the middle of the summer! I Know this because sadly, my mom is mt.Asshole’s assistant, and she agrees with him! I have to sneak games into the house! I play bully(which is a great game) once and My mom fources me to talk to mr asshole for an hour!

  • Tyler

    Dude, leo that really sucks for you, and while i know shes your mom, i think people like her should die. Theyre the menace to society, not video games.