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Satire: Another Week With No News

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Dateline: Madagascar

Talk about your small island. It's about two miles wide and three miles long. Palm trees are fighting it out with lizards for their share of land. There are 35 million inhabitants, stacked higher than an elephant's eye. It's a good thing there aren't any elephants on the island, though — they'd likely tip it over. But that's not what's on my mind.

Having read through most of today's Sunday New York Times and Washington Post, and having read the Post all week, your intrepid reporter has come to the conclusion once again that the reason why politics is so intolerably boring is that nothing ever happens.  For clarity's sake, let us define "nothing."

Posturing, blathering, introducing bills that'll never get passed, Supreme Court rulings that defy comprehension or undermine years of precedent, candidates who are only distinguishable by the amount of money they raise — all these things make up a small part of what is "nothing."  Since nothing can never lead to something (although quantum physics has proven this statement wrong, but who listens to them anyway), it's fair to say that, once again, virtually (I'm covering my bets) nothing happened again this week.

At least, nothing covered by the media.  However, as a dedicated investigative reporter known far and wide as one with no regard for the truth whatsoever, I have uncovered plenty of somethings worth reporting for your edification.

Bush Who?  A high-level Republican source told this reporter in the strictest confidence that a group of powerful Republican Senators up for reelection in 2008 are crafting a Constitutional Amendment which would deny that George W. Bush was ever president.  The amendment will say that the United States went leaderless from the time of Bill (Love a Good Cigar) Clinton until election day, 2008.  Word has it that they have the support of the majority of Republican governors and state legislators.

If Elected, Hillary Won't Serve.  Word is spreading through senior Democratic circles that the whole Hillary campaign is nothing more than a thinly-veiled plot to get Bill back in office.  The theory is that she will select Bill as her running mate, win the election, claim some bizarre medical condition that makes it impossible for her to serve, and, voila, Bill's back.

Immigration Illegals Are Disappearing.  A strange virus is infecting illegal immigrants, causing quick, painful deaths.  Said to have been created in a Christian fundamentalist laboratory, this virus only attacks illegal immigrants.  Their scientists predict that, with a kill rate of one million per year, the 12 million illegal immigrants will disappear in 12 years — assuming of course that no more enter the country, but once word spreads as quickly as the virus, who in their right mind would sneak in.  Problem solved.  Yay.

The Iraqi War is a Myth.  Just as conspiracy theorists have proved that hundreds of people were involved in the assassination of John Kennedy, that there never was a moon landing, and that Paris Hilton is really a guy, so too have they amassed evidence that not only did we not invade Iraq, there is no Iraq.  The television and newspaper coverage has all been manufactured by a mass conspiracy among the left-wing (or is it right-wing) owners.  The billions being spent is actually sitting in an off-shore account getting five percent interest and will be used to shore up social security and medicare.  Yay.  Oh, and those dead soldiers?  According to my sources, they're casualties of increasingly demanding training exercises.

Osama Bin Laden is Jewish.  He never was a member of the ruling Saudi parasitic family.  His father was a Saudi prince who fell in love with a Jewess slave and had a child by her — Osama.  Since the religion is passed through the mother, Osama's Jewish, which is why he was thrown out of Saudi Arabia.  His secret plan is not to destroy Israel and the Great Satan, America, but to get revenge on the royal house of Saud.  When he succeeds, the oil revenue will flow to Israel, which has promised to finally build cities and homes for Palestinians — something the Arab rulers of those territories have failed to do for over 50 years.

The Barbi Twins Will Win The Presidency.  Having spent three grueling hours interviewing these two… women, it's become clear that they have an absolutely fool-proof, brilliant strategy for winning both the Republican and Democratic conventions.  I dare not reveal the approach for fear of retribution, but I can tell you that, since they're virtually indistinguishable, they plan to serve as co-presidents.  Now that's something to write home about. 

 

As you can see, something did happen over the past week, but you'll only be able to read about it here.  The mainstream media is to lazy or frightened to cover these dramatic stories.  Stay tuned.  There's a lot more truth to be uncovered.

In the meantime, remember that maxim handed down by the ancient Irish Kings:

In Jameson Veritas

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About Mark Schannon

Retired crisis & risk manager/communications expert; extensive public relations experience in most areas over 30 years. Still available for extraordinary opportunities of mind-numbing complexity. Life-long liberal agnostic...or is that agnostic liberal.
  • Ruvy in Jerusalem

    Sorry to drown your wall of weird in a factoid, Mark.

    Remember good old Sheikh Zaki Yamani of OPEC fame?

    You may have noticed his absence from the names of the Saudi thugs running around pulling Bush (junior or senior) by the pecker…

    That’s cause Sheikh Zaki Yamani does have a Jewish mother. This was très embarrassing for the mighty Wahhabi – who have retired the man to his estate with general instructions to keep his mouth shut.

    Life is funnier than comedy…

  • Ruvy in Jerusalem

    Oh, and Mark, I’m glad your little hideaway allows you to get away from the news… Maybe out in Madagascar/West Virginny there ain’t none But out in my neck of the woods… Well, let’s take a look at some. All morning long the house has been shaking from supersonic jets passing high in the stratosphere…

    Haaretz reported that Lebanese sources told a Nazareth newspaper that Syria is planning to evacuate its citizens from Lebanon and close the border by mid-month, Israel Radio reported Saturday. Syria had advised students in Lebanon that it would facilitate their return to Syria, and the continuation of their studies there.

    Debkafiles reports in several articles that Syria is ramping up for war this summer. One article that I was unable to reproduce here was that about Syrian troops crossing the Lebanese border into the Beka’a – a strategic point that allows them to move in any direction they wish. Debka speculates that this war would be to avoid a UN slapdown – but Debka is usually good on reporting the facts and terrible on analyzing the reasons into the future…

    The IDF is busting its butt to prepare for a war in the north. But all of its efforts appear to be in the too little too late category.

    Barry Chamish released a video in which he described what he believed would occur. He talks about three days of events in his video (really an audio piece). He has a nasty habit of being right in a lot of his predictions. So, I e-mailed him asking him if he could delineate what he believed might occur on the fourth day… He replied “TOO painful. Barry.”

    Have fun reading the news, kid. Have a great Monday, Mark…

  • http://parodieslost.typepad.com Mark Schannon

    Ruvy,

    That’s why my long ignored blog is called “Parodies Lost,” because reality is so much stranger than anything I could create. I hadn’t heard of Sheik Machmed Goldberg before. It’s gotta be a blow to the family. My condolences.

    The news from your part of the world continues to confuse and bewilder me. Who are the Syrians going to attack and why??? I wonder if this isn’t taking advantage of the US weakness due to our Iraq Idiocy.

    I’ll read those articles you linked later. Your message was depressing enough.

    Keep your powder dry & your head down, my friend.

    In Jameson Veritas

  • Ruvy in Jerusalem

    The answer is in the last link.

    The Syrians are planning to attack this nation in one way or another, and it has little to do with what the United States wants or doesn’t want. Not everything goes according to Washington’s strengths or weaknesses.

  • Baronius

    Nice read, Mark. Fans of “The Simpsons” will be aware the the denial of Bush can be achieved without a Constitutional amendment. A judge can order it. The Supreme Court backed the judge’s decision in The State of [unspecified] v. Tamzarian.

  • bliffle

    “The Syrians are planning to attack this nation…”

    Aargh! The syrians, the palestinians, the Iraqis … we’re surrounded by enemies! Better just nuke the rest of the world!

  • Baronius

    Bliffle, you’re not completely wrong.

  • http://LesPaulisanexcellentguitarplayerwithanadmirablegraspofgoodjazz. bliffle

    Let’s drop the big one now, ’cause they don’t like us anyhow. Except for australia: don’t wanna hurt no kangaroo.