Talk about your small island. It's about two miles wide and three miles long. Palm trees are fighting it out with lizards for their share of land. There are 35 million inhabitants, stacked higher than an elephant's eye. It's a good thing there aren't any elephants on the island, though — they'd likely tip it over. But that's not what's on my mind.
Having read through most of today's Sunday New York Times and Washington Post, and having read the Post all week, your intrepid reporter has come to the conclusion once again that the reason why politics is so intolerably boring is that nothing ever happens. For clarity's sake, let us define "nothing."
Posturing, blathering, introducing bills that'll never get passed, Supreme Court rulings that defy comprehension or undermine years of precedent, candidates who are only distinguishable by the amount of money they raise — all these things make up a small part of what is "nothing." Since nothing can never lead to something (although quantum physics has proven this statement wrong, but who listens to them anyway), it's fair to say that, once again, virtually (I'm covering my bets) nothing happened again this week.
At least, nothing covered by the media. However, as a dedicated investigative reporter known far and wide as one with no regard for the truth whatsoever, I have uncovered plenty of somethings worth reporting for your edification.
Bush Who? A high-level Republican source told this reporter in the strictest confidence that a group of powerful Republican Senators up for reelection in 2008 are crafting a Constitutional Amendment which would deny that George W. Bush was ever president. The amendment will say that the United States went leaderless from the time of Bill (Love a Good Cigar) Clinton until election day, 2008. Word has it that they have the support of the majority of Republican governors and state legislators.
If Elected, Hillary Won't Serve. Word is spreading through senior Democratic circles that the whole Hillary campaign is nothing more than a thinly-veiled plot to get Bill back in office. The theory is that she will select Bill as her running mate, win the election, claim some bizarre medical condition that makes it impossible for her to serve, and, voila, Bill's back.
Immigration Illegals Are Disappearing. A strange virus is infecting illegal immigrants, causing quick, painful deaths. Said to have been created in a Christian fundamentalist laboratory, this virus only attacks illegal immigrants. Their scientists predict that, with a kill rate of one million per year, the 12 million illegal immigrants will disappear in 12 years — assuming of course that no more enter the country, but once word spreads as quickly as the virus, who in their right mind would sneak in. Problem solved. Yay.
The Iraqi War is a Myth. Just as conspiracy theorists have proved that hundreds of people were involved in the assassination of John Kennedy, that there never was a moon landing, and that Paris Hilton is really a guy, so too have they amassed evidence that not only did we not invade Iraq, there is no Iraq. The television and newspaper coverage has all been manufactured by a mass conspiracy among the left-wing (or is it right-wing) owners. The billions being spent is actually sitting in an off-shore account getting five percent interest and will be used to shore up social security and medicare. Yay. Oh, and those dead soldiers? According to my sources, they're casualties of increasingly demanding training exercises.
Osama Bin Laden is Jewish. He never was a member of the ruling Saudi parasitic family. His father was a Saudi prince who fell in love with a Jewess slave and had a child by her — Osama. Since the religion is passed through the mother, Osama's Jewish, which is why he was thrown out of Saudi Arabia. His secret plan is not to destroy Israel and the Great Satan, America, but to get revenge on the royal house of Saud. When he succeeds, the oil revenue will flow to Israel, which has promised to finally build cities and homes for Palestinians — something the Arab rulers of those territories have failed to do for over 50 years.
The Barbi Twins Will Win The Presidency. Having spent three grueling hours interviewing these two… women, it's become clear that they have an absolutely fool-proof, brilliant strategy for winning both the Republican and Democratic conventions. I dare not reveal the approach for fear of retribution, but I can tell you that, since they're virtually indistinguishable, they plan to serve as co-presidents. Now that's something to write home about.
As you can see, something did happen over the past week, but you'll only be able to read about it here. The mainstream media is to lazy or frightened to cover these dramatic stories. Stay tuned. There's a lot more truth to be uncovered.
In the meantime, remember that maxim handed down by the ancient Irish Kings:
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