Home / Satire: An Unabridged List Of People Who Watched The Pro Bowl

Satire: An Unabridged List Of People Who Watched The Pro Bowl

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That sound you heard of two pins dropping? That was the ratings spike the NFL enjoyed as their tropical All-Star masquerade, the Pro Bowl, received its highest ratings since the year 2000. That means 2008 was a benchmark for this century. The league can now boast viewership never before seen since 9/11, as well as a blueprint to success from which the NFL can only further profit.

Don’t believe the NFL improved their ratings? But we have visual proof this happened.

Now that the family of NFL Pro Bowl television fans has ballooned to a hefty 11 — and we’re not talking about ratings shares — it’s about time we get to know them all:

Karl Traczyk — Spokane, Washington

Compulsive gambler who tries to compensate for his NFL regular season losses by going heavy on prop bets. Tanked it this year on the Neilsen ratings over/under for the first time since 2000.

Geoffrey Beitel — Elmira, New York

His sister was a cheerleader in the halftime show. He was unable to locate her on the telecast.

Marc Giarrusso — Los Angeles

Professional awards show seat filler.

Jim Pendergrast — Waynesburg, Pennsylvania

In love with Steelers Pro Bowl tackle Alan Faneca. Like, literally in love. Sorts-through-his-garbage in love.

Ryan Krantz — Coshocton, Ohio

Did a live blog for his sports blog, Ryan’s Rowdy Rantz. The live blog makes no mention of the latter part of the third quarter or any of the fourth.

Erick and Joanne Spearing, Texarkana, Arkansas

Police were dispatched to the Spearing residence after reports of a domestic disturbance. The Spearings are notorious in the neighborhood for losing the remote control, then arguing about whose fault it was.

Colleen Joslin — Maryville, Missouri

Women’s Studies major at Northwest Missouri State. Having heard about the Super Bowl, she watched this game in an honest attempt to see what all the fuss over football was about. Is now turned off from football forever, and is now slightly bi-curious.

Akili Smith — San Diego, California

Every year he notes the winner of the game MVP and mails them a free subscription to a porn magazine. Unless, of course, it’s Jeff Garcia.

Toby Elliott — Mount Vernon, Illinois

Five-year-old cancer patient who was promised by Bears kick returner Devin Hester that he would score a touchdown in the Pro Bowl. Uh-oh.

Name Unknown — Phoenix, Arizona

Has been dead for perhaps five years. Left the TV on.

NOTE: All names and biographies are fictitious, so if this really does describe you then you might want to strengthen your Internet firewall, now shouldn’t you?

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About Suss

  • When the DVR numbers come in next week, this number will climb to 16 as Peter King had five TiVos set to record the game in case four of them failed. After all, it could be Brett Favre’s last game.

  • I’m hesitant to believe Peter King knows how to set up a single TiVo, let alone five.

    Then again, if he had difficulty with it, he’d have written an NFL column about it.

  • CallmeMaddy

    Nice 🙂

    Alan Faneca? Ha! He wishes.

  • I had fun watching it. A no pressure, no blitz game……….