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Satire: All Conservative Media Must GO!

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The United States is distressingly full of angry white men, most of them inflamed by the vast hate media now infesting the country.

"The number of angry white men in America is getting larger," said Chip Berlet, senior analyst with Political Research Associates in Somerville, Mass., a think tank that studies right-wing extremists.

In particular, the heterosexual, white, Christian men in America feel they've been pushed out of the way," Berlet said. "Attacking the Holocaust Museum is a no-brainer," he said, "because white supremacists blame Jews for the advancement of black people."

"The idea that blacks are put in positions of power by crafty Jews is central to their conspiracy theory," Berlet said.

Sarah Palin, previously known primarily for hunting endangered species and for her perverted penchant for expensive clothing and makeup from Bloomingdale's to update her "slutty flight attendant look," recently called for an uprising against one of America's most beloved liberal communicators, Mr. David Letterman. Ms. Palin — who masquerades as a woman but is only a non-woman thing in heels — had the unmitigated gall to tell her minions that what she (and other conservative fanatics) strangely perceived as a grievous insult to her young tramp of a daughter should be met with violence against the greatly respected Mr. Letterman! Soon, there will be calls from Faux News, the Washington Slimes and the other purveyors of conservative filth for violence toward all who support President Obama's excellent and necessary reforms of the wickedness known as the United States. That wickedness, for which President Obama has had to spend most of his time in office apologizing, must not be revived.

Any conservative, but seemingly peaceful, slob could be a secret terrorist, insanely angered by the malicious reporting he so adores, and moved to strike without warning; it does not take a village, or even a well organized militia, of evil doers:

"It could be anyone. It could be the guy next door, living in the basement of his mother's place, on the Internet just building himself up with hate, building himself up to a boiling point and finally using what he's learned," said John Perren, head of the counterterrorism branch at the FBI's Washington field office.

This is dreadful!  They must all be put under surveillance and stopped.

When will this travesty end? Is the United States doomed by these conservative cretins? Must the sane majority sit idly by and just watch it happen? NO! We must demand that all who reject the wise guidance and mercy of our President, and that of the mainstream media which quite properly support him, be banished. Then, and only then, can joyous apathy prevail.

Soon after President Obama ascended bodily to the Presidency,  the Department of Homeland Security, responsibly and correctly, pointed out that those most pitiful of all creatures in the United States — they who cling to their guns, their bibles, their religion and their patently false right wing opinions about such trash as the supremacy of the U.S. Constitution — present a clear and present danger to the United States.  Partisans on the right pretended, in their uniquely obnoxious way, to be offended, and claimed that the notion was insulting and absurd. They did so even though President Obama himself had used many of the very same words in his widely acclaimed California speech during his successful campaign for a mandate to ascend to the Presidency! They have sunk far lower than ever before; they are the national village idiot and must be stopped, now. Boy, were we wrong ever to listen to them!

For a lucid analysis of the problem, here's an opinion piece — surprisingly,  from a lamentably popular right wing rag, the New York Times. It is a must read for all sane people interested in saving the United States from certain death and destruction.

There is . . . one important thing that the D.H.S. report didn’t say: Today, as in the early years of the Clinton administration but to an even greater extent, right-wing extremism is being systematically fed by the conservative media and political establishment.


[W]hatever dividing line there was between mainstream conservatism and the black-helicopter crowd seems to have been virtually erased.

Despite the barely veiled racist reference to "black" helicopters, it is refreshing that even a far right smear sheet such as the New York Times has finally mustered the courage to abandon its ludicrous Conservative stance, at least briefly, to tell us this.

The infinitely wise President of Venezuela, Hugo Chávez, may his holy name be praised, has thoughtfully provided guidance: the perpetrators of this vicious right wing treason must be deprived of all opportunity to spew their filth and disorder; they must be severely punished. Tea Parties, formerly known as necktie parties, are symptomatic of the evils which threaten Democracy as we have, albeit only recently, come to know and love it in the United States; even the minds of the very few "moderate" conservatives are warped by them. Indeed, Republicans

have become embarrassing to watch. And it doesn’t feel right to make fun of crazy people. Better, perhaps, to focus on the real policy debates, which are all among Democrats.

Tea Parties — and, truth to tell, Republicans and all other Conservatives as well — need to be prohibited, NOW, as were their predecessor necktie parties.

We need a new and improved Fairness Doctrine, which will bring true fairness and justice to the public airwaves, as well as to the ubiquitous and very public internet. We won, we own them, and we must control them! The mere fact that conservatives of all stripes, oppose this salutary change in which we can and must believe, shows only that it is badly needed. Only when it has been restored, with greater fairness and impact than ever before, will the catatonic clamoring of the cretinous, backward (and also backwoods) far right be stopped.

After being tried, convicted and justly punished for their heinous crimes against humanity, those who oppose democracy, justice and freedom, as we have come to know and love them under President Obama, must be deported, never again to mock the name of the United States from her own shores. Yes! We! Can!  Even though no sanely governed country would take them, we must continue to try as best we can to rid the United States of this despicable scourge.

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About Dan Miller

  • Clav?

    That is um, (cough) much…er..hipper, yes indeed. :O

  • Clavos

    I dunno, Cindy.

    Doc’s a pom, sure, but he’s been living in seppoland for a while now, even married a Seppo Sheila — he’s probably at least half gringo by now.

    [I’ve switched from mixed metaphors to mixed slang — much hipper] :>)
    ^ nose, Cindy

  • I agree with Clavos and Dr.D on their assessment of felines. To put it in the proper academic language–cats are like women, dogs are like men; cats are cool, dogs drool. (Dr.D, still have to report you to Chairman Meow. Sorry, can’t be helped.)

    Irene, I always knew you were my hero. (goes to youtube to find out who the magnificent seven are)

    Good satire is NOT playful and teasing. It goes straight for the jugular and, done right, causes outrage among a significant segment of the population who don’t recognize it for what it is.

    I will consider this as evidence. On my first trip to England, I thought the British were these nice, mild people who apologized for being in the way when you ran them over with your car. I discovered they were no such thing. They were all about manners sure, stuck up, repressed, sexless folk that they are (it’s a joke… gulp), but they were the meanest people I ever met, couching all their fiery barbs within the most innocently worded sarcasm. If there is anyone who would know about satire, it is a Brit. Therefore, I find in favor of Dr.D.

  • Or, as the old saying goes:

    Dogs have owners.
    Cats have staff.

  • Clavos

    felines who’ve been planning an overthrow for millenia.

    Those of us who are actually owned by one or more felines know they accomplished that millenia ago.

  • Clavos

    Shoulda turned to the left side of the room before yelling that thing about vet care, Doc.

    You’re not gonna get any support from the right side of the room on universal anything, it’s against our principles.

  • Irene Wagner

    Yes Baronius. I don’t know about other realms, but in conversation it is always better to incorrectly assume the best about people than to incorrectly assume the worst.
    That’s especially important in a medium like this, where satire and old grievances and playfulness and respectful disagreement get all jumbled together, with no clues with intent to go by, other than the words themselves.

    You keep your eye on Dr. Dreadful, Baronius. He’s a liberal, and I don’t think he understands he’s playing into the hands of felines who’ve been planning an overthrow for millenia.

  • I have to disagree with Bliffle’s #7 a little bit. Good satire is NOT playful and teasing. It goes straight for the jugular and, done right, causes outrage among a significant segment of the population who don’t recognize it for what it is.

    In that respect, I think perhaps Dan’s piece is a little too coy.

    For really good modern satire, I would suggest The Onion, the British magazine Private Eye and the Australian TV show The Chaser’s War on Everything.

    Oh, and re Irene and Cindy’s cat discussion:

    [turns to right side of room, cups hands around mouth]


    [takes cover under table]

  • Baronius

    Irene (re: women whining) – I gave up listening to Sean Hannity after hearing him complain about every little thing on Inauguration Day. I did have the occasion of seeing a bit of his TV show recently, an interview with Miss Prejean. Sean, and later his syncophantic panel, whined to high heaven.

    There’s a fine line between calling attention to a foul and whining about it. For example, I’m always willing to point out when the press is distorting things, but I hope I do it to (a) tell the true story and (b) point out that the press does spin things, without (c) demanding extra points for being put upon.

    The entire movement of political correctness is founded on taking offense at something when offense was not intended, which is basically an act of pride. Fighting that tendency is going to require not taking offense, even sometimes when offense is intended.

  • Irene Wagner

    Ruvy, Corrie ten Boom recounts an incident in The Hiding Place that occurred in the house from which she and her family were helping to hide Jews and smuggle them out of the country during the Nazi occupation of Haarlem.

    Corrie had gotten up in the middle of the night to use the bathroom.
    While she was up, an enormous crash drew the rest of the family to Corrie’s bedroom, where glass from schrapnel that had busted the window lay in shards all over her bed. Everyone was stunned for a bit. “There is no safer place to be,” determined Corrie and her sister “than in the center of God’s will.”

    Safety isn’t a geographical place, Ruvy.
    It’s a spiritual one.

    I live in America now. Maybe I’ll be exiled, or flee, or be martyred here. Until that happens, I’m going to enjoy the wide open US sky above me.

    *rides off into the distance while the theme to “The Magnificent Seven” swells in the background*

  • I’m so glad I don’t live in America. It used to be a wonderful country to live in. Not anymore….

  • Irene Wagner


  • Very wry and too close to the truth.

    Sometimes satire can be scary.

  • Clavos

    How did you manage to talk your parents into letting you have a lawyer for a pet?

    Every kid should have a lawyer for a pet, keeps ’em off the streets (the lawyers, not the kids).

  • Arch Conservative

    The article was too overdone to be considered satire. A more accurate classification would have been “Private thoughts from the mind of King Barry.”

  • The only pet I had as a child was…Dan (Miller)


    How did you manage to talk your parents into letting you have a lawyer for a pet?


  • Irene Wagner

    …The only pet I had as a child was…Dan (Miller) thanks so much for letting me use your satire to share this…was a goldfish I named Sally, whom my mother flushed down the toilet, presumably dead…
    and I wasn’t really that sad, but a cat is different.

    Baronius, this is The View going on right now, OK? You use the word “whining” in the same sentence as a reference to female politician, you gotta be ready to face the music! LOL

  • Irene Wagner

    Well sometimes people need time to grieve after pets die, so maybe that’s where your husband is now? MissKitty is the first pet I’ve had as an adult, so I don’t know what that would be like.

  • Irene,

    but i still talk cat language to her

    I can imagine you talking cat language too! 🙂 (multilingual)

    But, my husband IS a cat lover. Our last two adopted him! He named both of them–blackie and tabbie. (lol egads!, I know…shhhh don’t ever tell on me! He named a third one ‘pussycat’–ran out of colors I guess. lol, just happy she didn’t end up being ‘fluffy’ or something.)

    He even carried heated towels to tabby across the street before he was brave enough to come inside. He just forgets that it’s not a stranger whose litter box we’ll be cleaning. It will be a family member.

  • Baronius

    Dunno, Irene. I can only say that to my ear, that pitch sounds in the whining range.

  • Clavos

    I say the latter, and she has reason.

    Letterman’s smarmy and supercilious.

    Never liked him.

  • Irene Wagner

    I don’t know Baronius. I guess I don’t think like politicians do, so I can’t figure out if Sarah Palin was feuding with Letterman as a sore loser or a justifiably enraged mama bear.

  • Irene Wagner

    Eliot Spitzer is a sort-of inspiring leader, then, for not rising to the bait!

  • Baronius

    And while we’re on the subject of whining (ok, while I’m on the subject of whining), Carrie Prejean isn’t an inspiring leader. She’s a beauty pageant contestant who got screwed over. The inspiring part of a got-screwed-over story is after you take the hit, when you move on.

  • Baronius

    I still think that Letterman line was a Spitzer joke, not a Palin joke. Not that Letterman really tells jokes any more. He’s fallen into that Johnny Carson thing where he mentions a topic that could have a funny joke written about it, and the audience thinks that there was a joke. As for Palin, she already has the support of the “everyone’s unfair to us” conservatives, but there are a lot of people who became conservative because they’re sick of the whining of liberals, and she’s probably not winning them over.

  • Irene Wagner

    but i still talk cat language to her. she purrs about once a month.

  • Irene Wagner

    duchess. dang.

  • Irene Wagner

    I never realized how extensive this colony was, Cindy, til she sent a neighborhood-wide email plea for help. And guess who enlisted my aid? My formerly cat-hating husband. So, take heart. (I’d have preferred he’d enlisted HIS OWN DANG AID catching feral cats, but if it means a basket of kittens in the house for a few weeks 🙂 my ultra-cat-loving kids and I, (not particularly partial to cats, but the one who actually ends up bagging the poop) are happy. We only have one cat, a mean old dutchess who is an example of what happens when a feral kitten is adopted TOO LATE to socialize. Any kittens we get ready for adoption will have to stay upstairs while she’s in the basement, lest she tear them apart.

  • Oh, Irene, how cool that you are helping (your neighbor) help maintain a feral colony. I am big on that sort of thing. Your neighbor sounds likable. 🙂

  • rofl @ Irene. You should write satire.

    I love felines. I do want one or three. Unfortunately I need a consensus to actually get any. 🙁

    So far the answer is : “Not ready yet.”

    How can someone not be ready to get a cat? It’s beyond my imagination.

  • Irene Wagner

    “All Conservative Media must GO!”
    Dan (Miller), when I saw your title, I thought someone was going out of business.

    But if that were the case, one would have to infer that the media is for sale. And that’s (satire) just silly.

  • Irene Wagner

    Zingxing, it takes two to make it outtasite, but it’s the female who has to wear the maternity clothes, in the broad daylight, under the limelight.

    Letterman’s humor hurt more because I’m a WOMAN than it did because I’m someone who might be identified as a “conservative.”

    PS – Cindy — The other day a comment of mine to you was a casualty of the system malfunction. It was in appreciation of your wolf urine warning! Sorry not to have tried again sooner–I’ve been busy helping a neighbor catch one of the many feral cats in the neighborhood, although I am beginning to wonder if her determined efforts to spay them (and socialize their kittens :)–want one?) are actually causing the squirrel population to go up…

  • 3

    (admiration noted)

  • Bliffle

    IMO, this article is too heavy-handed to succeed as satire. Imo satire should be teasing, not bludgeoning, in order to engage the readers sense of play and fun.

    The article is neither playful nor funny. But I think it’s possible to write a good satire given the material.

    For me, the possibility of humor around this subject has been diminished by the recent shooting at the Holocaust Museum following so soon upon the murder of Dr. Tiller.


  • zingzing

    i concur.

    (but, obviously, my response was supposed to be ironic… in its “you are what you is” kind of way)

  • Zing, thanks for saying it’s funny. However, it was not meant to be, at least not to any greater degree than the various linked articles of which it is an attempted parody. I don’t think they were intended to be funny; maybe I’m wrong, since I’m just winging it.

    I totally agree that it’s still pretty troubling to watch you right wingers going bat shit insane Amen, brother! I well remember when a right wing guy named Hinckley tried to kill President Reagan. The conservative press, of course, hid this by claiming that the guy was just a nut who wanted to impress some female movie star. But we know better!

    Oh. Did I mention the kindly Professor Ayers who, back in his right wing fanatic phase, went around setting bombs? We all know that he was right wing fanatic!

    They are all the same! They gotta go!


  • Clavos

    Tango anyone?

  • zingzing

    as funny as this is, it’s still pretty troubling to watch you right wingers going bat shit insane. i mean, there was a time when you stoically puffed your pipe and didn’t fuck your women, but now, you’re shooting people in the face and dropping your pants on the internet.

    it’s like someone pushed the “obama” button and you guys lost your hardon for killing foreigners and started killing americans.


    it takes two to make a thing go r ight. it takes two to make it outtasite.

  • Dave,

    You hear wrong.

    Panama, being a sanely governed country, won’t have them. I think they have been deported to the Republic of Texas, where they are indistinguishable from the rest of the population.


  • I hear we’ve already started deporting them to Panama…