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Satire: Al Gore Opens Mouth, Increases Carbon Footprint

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Speaking today to COOL-IT (Communists for Only Onerous and Lofty Industrial Taxation) in Nome, Alaska, former Vice-President Al Gore criticized US failure to adequately address climate change. Mr. Gore warned of future consequences of inaction while emphasizing that we have already felt the effects of a lamentably low suicide rate. Gore mentioned the extinction of species, the melting of the polar ice caps, and his loss of Florida in the 2000 presidential election. Said Gore,

“Florida is a very hot state – even in November. And members of lower-income socio-economic groups – who are most likely to vote Democrat – often can’t afford air conditioning. Now, if you’re sitting around in a pool of your own sweat drinking Thunderbird, what are the chances you’ll be motivated to vote on election day?”

Mr. Gore then became especially passionate, asserting that this accords with Republicans’ general disregard for the environment. Pounding his fist on the finely-crafted mahogany and teak podium, he continued,

“The Republicans know well about vote suppression through climate manipulation. It is a fact that for every degree the temperature rises, voter turnout decreases by 3 percent.”
As evidence, Mr. Gore cited a volume of studies and research papers showing that the temperature in Democrat stronghold Miami-Dade County was higher than in the more Republican panhandle on election day. “This cannot be coincidence,” Mr. Gore insisted.

Sharpening his rhetoric, Mr. Gore invoked race. Alluding to his belief that most of the disenfranchised voters were minorities, he accused white Republicans of engaging in “. . . a systematic, apocalyptic climate war against blacks.”

He called this plan “Helter Swelter.”

While applause from COOL-IT was robust, attendees seemed to grow increasingly uncomfortable with each passing word, shifting in their seats, sweating profusely, intermittently fanning themselves, and undoing the buttons on their olive-green jackets.

Although the Nobel Prize winner is often accused of being aloof and scripted, Mr. Gore took note of the discomfort and used it as a teaching moment.

“This just tells us that no one, no matter how educated, rich or well-connected in the party, is immune from the effects of climate change,” said Mr. Gore. “It’s so bad that, honestly, it just seems like every time Tipper and I talk, she complains how the house is way too hot.”

Then, as if mimicking the temperature, the audience rose to their feet and gave Mr. Gore a standing ovation for his most effective line of the evening.

“I feel your heat,” said Mr. Gore.

Obviously energized by the crowd, Mr. Gore expanded on his election thesis, stating there was “no doubt” in his mind that he would be president today if only the world were a colder place. He further stated that if he had been living during the Cryogenian Period, he would have been king of the world.

Then, seemingly lost in thought, Mr. Gore stared blankly into space and plaintively opined, “Then they’d be dating time from my birth.”

This comment seemed confusing and disturbing to the audience and drew the most tepid response of the symposium.

But Mr. Gore quickly got back on track, and the audience once again warmed to him as he returned to the issue of environmental destruction perpetrated by the Republicans, big business and the John Birch Society.

Mr. Gore especially shone when he exhibited his vast knowledge of the science of climate change. Addressing the fact that icecaps on Mars are melting as well and temperatures on Pluto have also been rising, Mr. Gore said,

“This just underscores how the Bush administration is bent on destroying not just the ecosystem of the Earth, but of the whole Universe.”

The former vice-president did not take questions after his speech, but defended himself when he was approached by reporters and asked to respond to deniers who question his motivations and credentials. Mr. Gore emphasized his long history of combating rising temperatures.

“When I was a boy, I was always the first one to run to the Good Humor truck, and my favorite comic book character was Mr. Freeze. And, really, I was never a beach person,” said Mr. Gore. “Just ask anyone who knew me back then – anyone. They’ll all say that if Al could be described in one word, it would be “cold.”

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About Selwyn Duke

  • http://republicrat sean

    If Al Gore is so Eco friendly, why does he still operate an open air zinc mine on his homestead property? Seems the real “Inconvienient truth” is just how anti-environment Al really is. You can’t drive a prius from a 20,000 sq ft home to a private jet and fly all over the world and be green.

  • Doug Hunter

    It’s only partly about being eco-friendly any more. The people pushing this now are invested in green technology, carbon trading companies, etc. They are setting up mechanisms by which they can harvest several hundred billion in ‘carbon taxes’ and distribute it amongst themselves.

    The only catch is they must scare you into giving up your money and your rights for essentially nothing (and they’re succeeeding). In the end the public will get what they’re ignorance deserves and the rich will continue to be that way.

    My advice, invest in green companies and if you can get inside information find out how you can score some carbon credits (buying an old mine or near defunct energy company and shutting it down for profit perhaps?)

  • Clavos

    “It’s only partly about being eco-friendly any more. The people pushing this now are invested in green technology, carbon trading companies, etc. They are setting up mechanisms by which they can harvest several hundred billion in ‘carbon taxes’ and distribute it amongst themselves.”

    Only the ideologues ever were “about being eco-friendly.”

    It always has been about two things: money and politics, and not necessarily in that order.

    Even most of the “scientists” have feet of clay.

  • STM

    Ah, yes, one of Selwyn’s posts. Anyone know the latest cricket/rugby/rugby league/soccer/baseball/basketball/american football/australian football/gaelic football scores??

  • http://pointlessannointed.blogspot.com/ Colin

    Hi Stan,

    Liverpool got through to the last 16 of the Champions League and Welsh rugby ace Gavin Henson has been questioned by police after going booze-hell crazy on a train from Reading to Cardiff, and then broke his hand in training – divvot!

  • Bill Mathisen

    My home town is Nome town which sits on the shores of the FROZEN BERING SEA. Sittng in Nome where it’s a balmy 3 above right now laughing and sweating my ass off. I’ll be looking forward to some Global Warming in May when the Bering Sea stars to thaw out once again. There’s Power and Money in Fear and there seems to be a lot of it being generated lately. When Al and his minions have the Money, the Fearful will try to grant him more Power by electing him. That will be very bad for my State.

  • STM

    Colin: I can’t believe how rugby players get up to all kinds of mischief, most of which involves fisticuffs, and then injure themselves at fu.king training.

    My old coach used to warn us of the dangers of booze, however – explaining that alcohol intake means you have a much longer recovery time and affects your training. My personal view is that your head is so muddled, you forget what you’re supposed to be doing and run into a) people (well, forwards, so not really people in the acepted sense); b) goalposts, and c) divots in the grass.

    Never bothered us though! But we did get some awful smackings. A 68-3 belting when a try was only worth three points comes readily to mind, against a Maori team who looked like they wanted to BBQ us on the hungi. I only touched the ball once, and that was a catch from their half-time kick-off.

    But afterwards, we all increased our recovery time by about three weeks. Happy days!

  • Zedd

    Doc,

    Did you see the Doctor Who episode with K-9. I’m such a geek. I was sort of misty eyed.

    Also I love the tie in with Torchwood. Did you see the episode with Queen Victoria and the jab on the royals? Funny.

  • http://drdreadful.blogspot.com Dr Dreadful

    Yeah, Zedd, saw both of those episodes. It was nice to see Sarah Jane and K-9 again. She’s getting her own spin-off show, The Sarah Jane Adventures. From the title, I’m guessing it’s aimed at kids. No idea if we’ll be getting it over here in the colonies.

    I also just watched the Christmas special from a couple of years ago which was David Tennant’s first outing as the Doctor. I loved the Hitch-Hiker’s Guide to the Galaxy reference where the Doctor is running around in his pajamas and dressing gown and says something like, “I feel like Arthur Dent. Lovely man.” As if he’d met him.

    I’m sure Douglas Adams (who wrote not a few episodes of the original show) would be chuckling in heaven, if he’d believed in it!

  • Maurice

    I realize that good satire must parallel the truth in order to be funny. This article is so close to the truth it could probably be filed as “NEWS”!

    Good job to a good writer!