My fellow Americans. I come before you today with a message at once joyful and solemn, uplifting and with dire warnings, free of rancor and filled with rage, and with ample quantities of Yin and Yang.
It is a message of love for all my fellow Americans, legal and illegal, a message that I hope will ring down through the ages as the commencement of a new beginning, a beacon lit high on the hopes of those who would make this country something other than it is, a strobe light in a drug-filled dance hall.
For too long, this country has been overrun with scalawags, scoundrels, and sympathizers. Fellow travelers. Traitors adorned in the red, white, and blue mantle of patriotism. Pickpockets and used-car salesmen. Deer in our gardens. Coyotes eating our small dogs, cats, and children. This all must stop, and I say it must stop now.
But you and I–the true believers, the followers of the path of George Washington, Thomas Jefferson, Millard Fillmore–we know that it will not stop while the Republicrats and Democans kill us with arsenic-laced crocodile tears and then dance on our unmarked graves. Nor will it stop while the libertarians demand the right to cavort in sexual congress with anyone and anything, while independents fiddle as the precious wood in their fireplaces burn, and while extremists on the left, right, and in the middle continue to spew their rhetoric of ideology and spam across our once-pristine landscape.
When no one respects the law. America can no longer be the world’s policeman. As much as we would want, it is simply beyond our power to end the bloodshed, chaos, and anarchy in Lithuania. Monaco will just have to protect its own borders. The Swiss will no longer be able to count on our unwavering support against the snow monsters hurling avalanches on the rich, the famous, and the illegal American immigrants hired to run the T-bars on the slopes. Tibet is high enough–we should not be using American know how to keep making Mt. Everest higher. The thousands of illegal American immigrants with shovels racing against time to beat the Chinese who are trying to build the world’s highest mountain could be put to better use.
However, with U.N. support, it is perhaps within our power to be the world’s crossing guards. We should be able to prevent jaywalking and ignored traffic signals. But we cannot do it alone. If those illegal immigrants really want to do something useful, they could offer themselves at great sacrifice to position themselves at every street corner of the world, saving little old ladies, children, and business people on their cell phones from walking in front of cars, trucks, and motorcades.
Let us turn now to our own beloved shores…while we still have them. Personally, I’m buying a lot of property about ten miles inland from some of the toniest spots in America, so when global warming raises the sea level, I’ll be sitting pretty. But that’s because I’m smart. And this country needs someone smart to lead it out of the morass of despair into the garden of delight.
Millard Fillmore once said, “Mare’s eat oats, and does eat oats, but little lambs eat Ivy.” But did he do anything to protect Ivy, that poor young waif tied to the railroad tracks being eaten by those vicious lambs? Did he even propose a commission to study the problem? No. And you wonder why so few girls today are named Ivy. If we call ourselves a just nation, then we must protect the Ivy’s of this country. You can start today by eating more lamb chops. But it’s only a start.
This country is being overrun, literally swallowed up, buried in heaps of old people. Who told them to get old? Is it our responsibility because they didn’t listen to reason and stay young? Teddy Roosevelt once said, “show me an old person, and I’ll show you someone who’s lived a long time.” There is so much to learn from those profound words, yet we seem incapable of learning.
Which brings me to children–whiny, greedy, self-centered, it’s-all-about-me primitive beings whose sole purpose in life is to take money out of our pockets and spend it on themselves. Primitive tribes used to take newborns to the highest cliff they could find. The tribal leader would say a few words and toss the infant into the ravine miles below. If the kid survived, it could join the tribe. If not, hell, God’s will. Think how much more peaceful our country would be if we adopted that simple ritual.
My fellow Americans of all colors, shapes, and sizes, I humbly and with great pride offer myself as your next President. It is not too early to start voting now. And remember the words of the late, great Richard Daley of Chicago, “vote early and vote often.”
I thank you, and God bless the America we hope to build and curse all those who would stand in our way so they languish for an eternity in the fires of hell.
Contributions gratefully accepted…that is if I can ever figure out how get Paypal or something on BC where I get all the money.