North Pole: Santa Claus warned the children of the world today that Christmas may have to be cancelled due to economic hardship. “Christmas spirit sales are way down this year,” warned the jolly old soul. Santa said he can’t compete against new holidays like the Chinese New Year and still give the elves so many golden Christmas tree ornaments. As a result, in order to save Christmas he is moving toy production to Misfit Toy Island in the North China Sea.
Santa will also be modernizing delivery methods. Comet and Cupid, Donner and Dasher, Vixen and Dancer, Prancer and Blitzen, and, of course, Rudolph will be retired. India Air Delivery will make the rounds instead.
Outspoken elf organizer Hermes, has declared there is another side of the story Saint Nick isn’t telling. Hermes claims that Santa is really hording golden ornaments and decorations for himself. “Furthermore, he has a giant vault filled with gold,” Hermes said. “He is even worse than the Abominable Snowman; he had Rudolph stuffed and his head sold to Bill O’Reilly. Santa sold the remaining reindeer to Taco Bell. He is even crossing good American kids off his list and keeping their toys,” Hermes lamented.
Acting as a spokesman for Santa, Mrs. Claus said, “No comment. Ho, ho, ho.”