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Rocky 5, Week Two: Duke, Temple, Buffalo, Syracuse, Kent State

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It was another banner weekend for deplorable football as last week’s Rocky 5 was winless this week. Four of the five teams obviously were stung by their inclusion in this poll since all the teams but the Terrible Temple Owls lost close games.

Let’s start at the top with the Duke Doormats. They lost their game in typically pathetic fashion, as they had a final-play-of-the-game 28 yard field goal attempt blocked, allowing the Wake Forest Demon Deacons to escape with a win and their dignity. Say all you want about the Blow Devils keeping it close and trying and playing hard and blah, blah, blah … they still lost.

The Pukey Dukies managed to have the lead late in the game and rolled up a bunch of total offensive yards, but have nothing to show for it but another “L.”

Next week they’ll lose to Virginia Tech in Durham.

The Number 2 Temple Turds (Get it? Number Two? Turds? Plus the alliteration?) were embarrassed by the 13th-ranked Louisville Cardinals 62-0. As if it wasn’t bad enough getting pounded by 62, the Temple Bowels could only manage 230 total yards of offense while letting the Cardinals roll for over 670 yards. And Louisville led 42-0 and had accumulated almost 450 yards by halftime.

The Turds actually got the ball down to the Louisville two-yard line after a big 67-yard gain, but promptly – and laughably – fumbled away the ball on the next play. By the second half the Louisville backfield consisted of two cheerleaders and the Cardinals’ mascot.

On the bright side for Temple, nobody was killed. Next week the Bowels will travel to Minnesota to get beat up.

The Number 3 Buffalo Bulls lost a heartbreaker in triple overtime to fellow MAC conference member Bowling Green Falcons by the score of 48-40. In typical sad sack fashion the Bulls lost a fumble in the third OT session, thus dashing their hopes of scoring an upset victory.

The Bulls only managed 243 total yards, but scored a TD on a kickoff return (their first one since joining I-A football) and another on a blocked punt. They also converted on a short field goal after intercepting a pass deep in Falcon territory.

Buffalo allowed Bowling Green to tie the game with 1:30 to play in regulation, and hung tough before living down to people’s low expectations in the third OT.

Next week the Bulls will go on the road to play a pissed off Northern Illinois Husky squad that got peppered by Ohio State last week and were upset this week by the Ohio Bobcats.

The Syracuse Orangemen, the Number 4 Rocky 5er, lost a 20-13 double overtime heartbreaker to the Number 14 Iowa Hawkeyes. ‘Cuse hung tough all game and tied it late, but just didn’t have enough to upset the Hawkeyes who were playing without their starting quarterback.

Frankly, I was thinking about taking the Orangemen out of the Rocky 5 this week as the game was in its waning moments. However, after failing to score a touchdown in the second overtime despite running seven plays from the 2 yard line, Syracuse has earned another week in the bottom 5.

Next week the Orange travel to Illinois to play a team that is looking more and more like they deserve to be in the Rocky 5.

Illinois lost to Rutgers this past week 33-0, could only manage 126 total yards and never got beyond the Rutgers 48 yard line. Losing this game will earn the loser a spot in the Rocky 5. This match up is made even more interesting by the facts that the teams both prominently feature orange in their uniforms. Let's call it "The Rocky 5 Bowl."

Finally, the Kent State Golden Flashes lost an overtime game to Army 17-14. Both teams stink and — no coincidence — both teams wear black and gold. There’s no reason to waste time rehashing the mind-numbingly mundane details of this turnover-laden exercise in football futility. Suffice to say that Kent State sucked like they have sucked for much of the past 40 years and there’s no reason to believe that they will stop sucking anytime soon.

Next week Kent State will lose to Bowling Green and if Syracuse beats Illinois, Kent State will move up a spot.

Besides this potential upsetting of this applecart of atrociousness, there’s no reason to believe there will be many other changes among the Rocky 5, but there’s always the possibility that the list can be expanded since the rest of the worst are doing their best to get noticed.

There were some very noticeable performances of the past week as Indiana defeated Ball State 24-23 and trailed for most of the game, Mississippi State was destroyed by Auburn 34-0 and is scoreless for the season, and the aforementioned Army debacle.

If Indiana loses to Southern Illinois and Mississippi State loses to Tulane you could see two new teams in the mix next week, so stay tuned.

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About Sal Marinello

  • http://www.futonreport.net/ Matthew T. Sussman

    I was listening to the BG-Buffalo game on the radio. I almost went to it. Basically Buffalo made hustle plays on special teams and didn’t turn over the ball once. Well, until the final play.

    Hard to say whether Turner Gill had these guys overachieving against BG, or BG was looking ahead to Kent State. (Yeah, I couldn’t type that with a straight face.)

    Also both teams scored touchdowns in the second overtime yet missed the extra points. Woof.

  • Hairynipples

    The Rocky Five looks a lot like Greg Schiano’s scheduling top five wish list – he has the formula – hype your team like it is a big time Div I program, but play very little competition wise.

    The sad thing is that Rutgers has been doing this for years, but only till the last two has it actually worked. You may actually be advising some of your kids to consider them now.

    FYI – googling Mr. Schiano to make sure you spelled his name correctly doesn’t turn up much on him, but does enlighten the bored web surfer to the extended family of Schiano’s – Lou, Mario, Saviero, Luca and of course the infamous Mike.

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