I went 6-10 last week straight up, and…uh…5-10-1 against the spread (again). That puts me at 22-26 straight up for the season, and 17-29-2 against the spread. For a comparison, check out the “experts” over at ESPN.
Here are my picks for the NFL’s Week Four:
*Thursday, September 27*
Cleveland 0-3 at Baltimore 2-1/8:20 p.m. [Line: Ravens by 13]
Prediction: After a number of questionable calls in the first half, two of the replacement officials stagger on to the field with visible facial bruising to begin the third quarter. Ray Lewis denies any knowledge of what happened, but curiously the uniform he started the game with is never found.
-RJ’s Pick: Baltimore by 9
*Sunday, September 30*
Carolina 1-2 at Atlanta 3-0/1:00 p.m. [Line: Falcons by 7]
Prediction: This one goes to overtime. Before the coin toss, Carolina WR Steve Smith calls heads. When the coin lands heads up, the replacement officials confer for several minutes to discuss whether or not that actually is the heads side of the coin. Once they have concluded that it is, they then debate whether they are supposed to count the side of the coin that is visible, or the side of the coin that’s on the ground. By the time they figure out that it’s the side facing up that counts, they’ve forgotten what Steve Smith had called. At this point Cam Newton completely loses his shit, picks up the football, and throws it as hard as he can directly into the crotch of the referee, like a scene from The Longest Yard. Atlanta is awarded the ball and goes on to win the game. Ed Hochuli, who was watching the game at home, is hospitalized with sympathy pains.
-RJ’s Pick: Atlanta by 3
New England 1-2 at Buffalo 2-1/1:00 p.m. [Line: Patriots by 4]
Prediction: Bill Belichick, apparently not having learned his lesson after making contact with an official last week, attempts to garrote the side judge with a ligature of chain after a phantom pass interference call.
-RJ’s Pick: New England by 8
Minnesota 2-1 at Detroit 1-2/1:00 p.m. [Line: Lions by 4.5]
Prediction: Each team is awarded unlimited time outs, and the game concludes just before midnight.
-RJ’s Pick: Detroit by 10
San Diego 2-1 at Kansas City 1-2/1:00 p.m. [Line: Chiefs by 1]
Prediction: A close game nearly ends in a riot when the Chargers win thanks to a late fourth quarter touchdown followed by a rare three-point conversion.
-RJ’s Pick: San Diego by 1
Seattle 2-1 at St. Louis 1-2/1:00 p.m. [Line: Seahawks by 2.5]
Prediction: This is actually a well-officiated game with no serious complaints. Unfortunately, after the game the refs award the Seahawks two wins and an extra bye week.
-RJ’s Pick: Seattle by 7
San Francisco 2-1 at New York Jets 2-1/1:00 p.m. [Line: 49ers by 4]
Prediction: The Tim Tebow legend only grows as he scores a hat trick, hits a grand slam, wins the slam dunk competition, and loses his virginity to a cricket wicket.
-RJ’s Pick: San Francisco by 11
Tennessee 1-2 at Houston 3-0/1:00 p.m. [Line: Texans by 12]
Prediction: After an excellent punt by the Texans, Tennessee is backed up on their own 1 yard line as the third quarter ends. Unfortunately, the refs keep the ball on the same spot for the 4th quarter, meaning the Titans now have possession at the Houston 1 yard line. It doesn’t really matter, though, as Chris Johnson runs for big losses on each of the next three plays, placing the Titans out of field goal range.
-RJ’s Pick: Houston by 6
Cincinnati 2-1 at Jacksonville 1-2/4:05 p.m. [Line: Bengals by 2.5]
Prediction: The outcome of another game is called into question after the Jaguars are penalized 37 times for 253 yards, and it is revealed afterwards that the game’s referee has a “Bengals 4 Life” tramp stamp and an Andy Dalton sex doll at home.
-RJ’s Pick: Cincinnati by 20
Miami 1-2 at Arizona 3-0/4:05 p.m. [Line: Cardinals by 6]
Prediction: More controversy as the replacement officials use fantasy football rules for field goals, awarding the teams four points for field goals of 40 to 49 yards and five points for field goals of 50 yards or longer. The Dolphins become the first team in NFL history to score negative points as they are shutout and their kicker misses a field goal, giving them a final score of -1.
-RJ’s Pick: Arizona by 15
Oakland 1-2 at Denver 1-2/4:05 p.m. [Line: Broncos by 6.5]
Prediction: A last-second Hail Mary by Peyton Manning is intercepted in the end zone, but the refs record it as a safety, award the Broncos two points, and give them the ball back at midfield. A second Hail Mary is thrown and is actually caught cleanly by Eric Decker for an apparent game-winning touchdown, but it’s ruled incomplete. John Elway is seen openly weeping on the sideline.
-RJ’s Pick: Oakland by 4
New Orleans 0-3 at Green Bay 1-2/4:25 p.m. [Line: Packers by 7]
Prediction: The replacement officials are pelted with large chunks of moldy cheese by still-enraged Packers fans throughout the game. Chants of “kill the refs” are heard after nearly every flag. After the game, the back judge is quoted as saying “It’s still a more positive environment than in Philadelphia.”
-RJ’s Pick: Green Bay by 3
Washington 1-2 at Tampa Bay 1-2/4:25 p.m. [Line: Buccaneers by 2.5]
Prediction: With the game out of hand late in the 4th quarter, Buccaneers head coach Greg Schiano orders his defense to go after the field judge “to force a fumble.” NFL sports writers unanimously rush to his defense.
-RJ’s Pick: Washington by 14
New York Giants 2-1 at Philadelphia 2-1/8:20 p.m. [Line: Eagles by 2]
Prediction: When Giants kicker Lawrence Tynes bounces a field goal attempt off the uprights, the refs order a “re-kick.” Eagles fans respond as you’d expect, and all seven replacement officials are forced to relocate their families to Cheyenne Mountain.
-RJ’s Pick: Giants by 5
*Monday, October 1*
Chicago 2-1 at Dallas 2-1/8:30 p.m. [Line: Cowboys by 4]
Prediction: Monday Night Football viewers are treated to approximately four hours of an increasingly angry and sweaty Jerry Jones barking obscenities at his friends and family while gesticulating wildly, with a little bit of football thrown in.
-RJ’s Pick: Chicago by 2
(Bye Week Teams: Indianapolis Colts 1-2, Pittsburgh Steelers 1-2)
If you’re interested, you can check out the full list of Danny Sheridan’s Odds here.Powered by Sidelines