Here are my picks for the NFL’s Week Two:
***SUNDAY, SEPTEMBER 19***
Pittsburgh 1-0 at Tennessee 1-0 – 1:00 PM [Sheridan's odds: Tennessee by 5]
Can the Titans contain the Beast of Three Nouns (Men. Den. & Hall.)? Can Ben Roethlisberger manage to stay out of college bars? Can Vince Young finally master the alphabet? At least one of these questions will be answered on Sunday.
–RJ’s Pick: Tennessee by 3
Miami 1-0 at Minnesota 0-1 – 1:00 PM [Sheridan's odds: Minnesota by 5.5]
Old quarterbacks never die; they just fade away … while occasionally using their cell phones to send obscene photos involving Crocs.
–RJ’s Pick: Minnesota by 8
Arizona 1-0 at Atlanta 0-1 – 1:00 PM [Sheridan's odds: Atlanta by 6.5]
Cardinals vs. Falcons? Meh.
Here are some much more entertaining birds to watch:
–RJ’s Pick: Atlanta by 1
Baltimore 1-0 at Cincinnati 0-1 – 1:00 PM [Sheridan's odds: Baltimore by 1.5]
The Bengals have a great passing game but a suspect defense. The Ravens have an excellent defense but a mediocre offense. That was my attempt at serious football analysis.
–RJ’s Pick: Baltimore by 4
Kansas City 1-0 at Cleveland 0-1 – 1:00 PM [Sheridan's odds: Cleveland by 2]
Matt Cassel was truly amazing last week: 10-for-22 passing for an incredible 68 yards! I know who’s getting my Pro Bowl vote for AFC quarterback this year.
Jake Delhomme had to be disappointed by his performance last Sunday. Tampa Bay’s defense limited him to two interceptions instead of his usual five. Despite this setback, Cleveland managed to lose anyway. Delhomme is unlikely to start against KC due to an ankle injury, so look for Seneca Wallace to be the go-to turnover machine for the Browns this week.
–RJ’s Pick: Kansas City by 2
Chicago 1-0 at Dallas 0-1 – 1:00 PM [Sheridan's odds: Dallas by 7.5]
The Bears should have lost last week, and the Cowboys should have won. Equilibrium will be restored to the NFL universe this week.
–RJ’s Pick: Dallas by 14
Philadelphia 0-1 at Detroit 0-1 – 1:00 PM [Sheridan's odds: Philadelphia by 6]
Poor Calvin Johnson. The last time someone got screwed that hard was Jodie Foster in the pinball scene from The Accused. In the future, Detroit Lions receivers are advised to hold on to the ball for at least two trimesters, just to be sure.
This week, both starting quarterbacks are going to sit. Kevin Kolb is out with brain damage and Matthew Stafford is out because he’s always out. So the Eagles will start PETA spokeman Michael Vick, and the Lions will start Shaun Hill, whose numbers get worse every season.
–RJ’s Pick: Detroit by 1 [The over/under on the number of mutilated pit bulls found in the visitors' locker room after the game: 13]
Buffalo 0-1 at Green Bay 1-0 – 1:00 PM [Sheridan's odds: Green Bay by 13]
Buffalo still has a team? Didn’t they move to Canada or something?
–RJ’s Pick: Green Bay by 19
Tampa Bay 1-0 at Carolina 0-1 – 1:00 PM [Sheridan's odds: Carolina by 3.5]
Carolina’s passing game last week: 14-for-35 with three interceptions. And remember: Jake Delhomme is no longer on the roster!
–RJ’s Pick: Tampa Bay by 4
Seattle 1-0 at Denver 0-1 – 4:05 PM [Sheridan's odds: Denver by 3.5]
How long before the Seahawks are disqualified from the postseason for recruiting violations?
–RJ’s Pick: Denver by 2
Saint Louis 0-1 at Oakland 0-1 – 4:05 PM [Sheridan's odds: Oakland by 3.5]
The Raiders suck.
Okay, fine. The Rams suck more.
–RJ’s Pick: Oakland by 6
Houston 1-0 at Washington 1-0 – 4:15 PM [Sheridan's odds: Houston by 3]
Arian Foster > Steve Slaton. The Texans could be really good this year.
–RJ’s Pick: Houston by 7
New England 1-0 at New York Jets 0-1 – 4:15 PM [Sheridan's odds: New England by 2.5]
First, a joke: 53 New York Jets walk into a bar. The bartender is a gorgeous Latina who is wearing an outfit that appears to have been spray-painted on. Every Jets player treats her with the utmost respect, maintaining eye contact at all times and leaving a generous tip. A pleasant time is had by all. Later, she is sexually assaulted in the parking lot by Rex Ryan. (Rimshot!)
Seriously though, if this chick doesn’t cause you to act a little bit silly, then you are most likely dead. Or gay. Or blind. Or a dead gay guy with no eyes.
Now on to some football. Wes Welker is a mushroom cloud-laying moth********.
–RJ’s Pick: New England by 6
Jacksonville 1-0 at San Diego 0-1 – 4:15 PM [Sheridan's odds: San Diego by 7]
David Garrard was outstanding last week. Philip Rivers looked pretty good, too. I think this will be a close, high-scoring game.
–RJ’s Pick: San Diego by 3
New York Giants 1-0 at Indianapolis 0-1 – 8:20 PM [Sheridan's odds: Indianapolis by 5]
The Manning brothers meet!
Let’s hope the outcome is a little less gay than that.
–RJ’s Pick: Indianapolis by 3
***MONDAY, SEPTEMBER 20***
New Orleans 1-0 at San Francisco 0-1 – 8:30 PM [Sheridan's odds: New Orleans by 5.5]
A good reason to go to bed early on a Monday night.
–RJ’s Pick: New Orleans by 24