Tennessee 1-1 at New York Giants 1-1 – 1:00 PM [Sheridan’s odds: Giants by 3]
There are concerns that Vince Young’s ever-so-fragile “psyche” was damaged when he was pulled in the 4th quarter last week.
My question is: How would you be able to tell? Shiny objects no longer hold his attention?
—RJ’s Pick: Tennessee by 2
Pittsburgh 2-0 at Tampa Bay 2-0 – 1:00 PM [Sheridan’s odds: Steelers by 2.5]
The Steelers will start Charlie Batch in place of the injured Dennis Dixon, who had been starting in place of the suspended Ben Roethlisberger, who replaced Tommy Maddox as starter back in 2004, who had become the starter that year after an injury to … Charlie Batch.
—RJ’s Pick: Pittsburgh by 6
Cincinnati 1-1 at Carolina 0-2 – 1:00 PM [Sheridan’s odds: Bengals by 3]
Who would have thought that the Bengals’ biggest scoring threat was Mike Nugent?
—RJ’s Pick: Cincinnati by 7
Cleveland 0-2 at Baltimore 1-1 – 1:00 PM [Sheridan’s odds: Ravens by 10.5]
The Ravens are on track to score just 160 points this season, Joe Flacco has a QB rating of 41.2, and their running game is averaging an anemic 2.7 yards per carry. Yet they are favored by double-digits over a division rival that could easily be 2-0 right now?
I’m not saying the Browns are gonna win (in fact, I almost never say that), but I don’t think the Ravens are going to cover that spread. Hell, they might not even score 11 points!
—RJ’s Pick Especially For Degenerate Gamblers: Baltimore by 1
Dallas 0-2 at Houston 2-0 – 1:00 PM [Sheridan’s odds: Texans by 3]
Relevant facts about the game: This is just the third time that these two Texas teams have met. Tony Romo is averaging 49 pass attempts per game, but has only been sacked once so far this season … Until about a year ago, Tony Romo was giving Jessica Simpson the ol’ in-out … Matt Schaub has a QB rating of 102.6 … The Texans have the top-ranked offense in the NFL, but the worst defense against the pass … I think Jessica Simpson’s ass would make a perfect hat … Sage Rosenfels used to play for the Texans … I still think he should have named his son “Basil” … I understand that Jerry Jones is often displeased with losing … A woman named Nina Shahravan once falsely accused Erik Williams and Michael Irvin of rape … Jessica Simpson’s ass is arguably worth its weight in rhodium.
—RJ’s Pick: Dallas by 3
San Francisco 0-2 at Kansas City 2-0 – 1:00 PM [Sheridan’s odds: 49ers by 2.5]
The “dadgum” 49ers better win this week, or Mike Singletary is going to have a lot more to worry about than a “Yahoo commercial.”
—RJ’s Pick: San Francisco by 4
Detroit 0-2 at Minnesota 0-2 – 1:00 PM [Sheridan’s odds: Vikings by 10.5]
Lions rookie RB Jahvid Best through two games: 5 TDs, 0 turnovers. Vikings RB Adrian Peterson: 1 TD, 0 turnovers.
Lions backup QB Shaun Hill: 2 TDs, 3 INTs, 1 lost fumble, 64.8 QB rating. Vikings QB Brett Favre: 1 TD, 4 INTs, 1 lost fumble, 56.1 QB rating.
Yes, the Vikings are playing at home and have a better defense. I still think a double-digit spread here is too large, especially since the Lions should really be 1-1 right now, not 0-2. If Best plays his … uh, best, and Favre throws a couple picks, this one could go to the road team.
—RJ’s Pick: Detroit by 1
Buffalo 0-2 at New England 1-1 – 1:00 PM [Sheridan’s odds: Patriots by 14]
The Bills have the worst offense in the league, and they have never won at Gillette Stadium. The only way Buffalo wins this one is if Tom Brady gets hit by a minivan. And that’s already happened once this season.
—RJ’s Pick: New England by 24
Atlanta 1-1 at New Orleans 2-0 – 1:00 PM [Sheridan’s odds: Saints by 4]
I’d say Reggie Bush should be embarrassed about having to return his Heisman Trophy. But then, this is a guy who was unashamed to be with Kim Kardashian. And by “be with,” I don’t mean he let her give him a tug job behind the dumpster at Wendy’s in exchange for a fistful of nickels or something. No, he actually dated her. Clearly this is a man who is not at all phased by the prospect of public humiliation. Or chlamydia.
—RJ’s Pick: New Orleans by 8
Washington 1-1 at Saint Louis 0-2 – 4:05 PM [Sheridan’s odds: Redskins by 3.5]
The Redskins played their first two games at home, and they should have lost them both. They can’t run the ball (being last in the league in rushing yards per game), and they can’t stop their opponents from moving the ball, as they are last in the league in yards allowed per game.
That said, Donovan McNabb is playing almost error-free football. And the Rams are horrible.
Oh, I almost forgot to bring the funny:
—RJ’s Pick: Washington by 9
Philadelphia 1-1 at Jacksonville 1-1 – 4:05 PM [Sheridan’s odds: Eagles by 3]
Ron Mexico aka Mike “The Beastmaster” Vick has been named the Eagles’ starting quarterback over Kevin Kolb. This NFL update has been brought to you by the Virginia Beach Society for the Prevention of Cruelty to Animals.
—RJ’s Pick: Philadelphia by 8
Oakland 1-1 at Arizona 1-1 – 4:15 PM [Sheridan’s odds: Cardinals by 4]
It can get awful hot in Arizona this time of year, Al. Please remember to drink plenty of fluids! Dehydration can cause the appearance of premature aging.
—RJ’s Pick: Cardinals by 1
San Diego 1-1 at Seattle 1-1 – 4:15 PM [Sheridan’s odds: Chargers by 5.5]
Psst. A.J. Smith is a dumbfuck. Pass it on.
—RJ’s Pick: San Diego by 2
Indianapolis 1-1 at Denver 1-1 – 4:15 PM [Sheridan’s odds: Colts by 5.5]
Peyton Manning’s QB rating: 121.0. Peyton Manning’s salary: $14,000,000. Peyton Manning’s haircut: $8.95.
—RJ’s Pick: Indianapolis by 13
New York Jets 1-1 at Miami 2-0 – 8:20 PM [Sheridan’s odds: Dolphins by 2]
This will be the first Sunday Night Football game to be aired in Spanish on Telemundo. In recognition of this milestone, the remainder of my commentary on this game will be en español:
Rex Ryan es un pedazo gordo de mierda que huela constantemente de col hervida. Darrelle Revis no se daña realmente; Tony Sparano tiene conexiones de la mafia que amenazaron poner el “Revis Island” subacuático permanentemente, así que él está falsificando su “del tendón de la corva lesión.” Yo estado a Miami, y yo pensamos que el miembro del Congreso anterior Tom Tancredo tenía un punto cuando él la llamó “Tercer Mundo.”
—RJ’s Pick: New York Jets by 4
***MONDAY, SEPTEMBER 27***
Green Bay 2-0 at Chicago 2-0 – 8:30 PM [Sheridan’s odds: Packers by 3]
The Bears defense is best in the league against the run, and Jay Cutler is playing out of his mind. Plus they are at home. Am I thinking upset? Nope. Green Bay is one of the top two teams in the NFL right now, even with Ryan Grant out for the year. Incidentally, look for Brett Favre to get spanked twice by his former team this season. Unless, of course, he “retires” before then.
—RJ’s Pick: Green Bay by 7